


There's Something About Marinette

by ThoughtWarfare



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Akumatized Marinette Dupain-Cheng, Bonus Chapter, Chloé Bourgeois Redemption, Comedy of Errors, Dramedy of Errors, F/M, Halloween, Mild Horror, Misunderstandings, Romantic Comedy, Silly, well i guess it's more of a quasi-redemption, yes you read those relationship tags correctly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-01-03 22:45:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 49,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12156339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThoughtWarfare/pseuds/ThoughtWarfare
Summary: Ladybug <3 MarinettePass it on.





	1. Cute

In retrospect, she might have been a bit heavy-handed with the whole 'talking about my own secret identity' thing.

"I need to make sure Marinette is okay," Cat Noir was saying after their celebratory fist-bump. Not far away, the latest akuma-victim was being led away by paramedics for either counseling or the chance to sign a best-selling book deal about being turned in an unwilling magical monster. "I passed her on the way here, and instead of running away, she said she was sticking around to help evacuate civilians. Brave girl, huh?"

Now, Ladybug was in complete agreement. Marinette was indeed a brave girl, but not because she had lied about working crowd control during a supervillain attack. No, Marinette was brave because Marinette was Ladybug, and Ladybug fought supervillains every day. Granted, she had an invincible power-enhancing supersuit to help with that, but it took a whole new level of bravery to go out in public in something that tight.

Ladybug could hardly _say_ that to the partner who didn't know her secret identity, though.

So she tilted her head in a carefully calculated gesture of adorable confusion. "Who is that?"

"Marinette." Cat Noir's mask twisted the way that it always did when he was giving someone a truly epic quirk of his hidden eyebrows. "You know her. You sent me to her house that time."

Truly, the _worst_ part of being a magical superhero was the Secret Identity. It kept Ladybug-slash-Marinette from doing her homework on time, made her miss whole classes, regularly got her in trouble with her parents, and was responsible for the series of word vomit excuses that had surely convinced her friends that she was suffering from some kind of stress-induced hallucinations. But the hardest part was easily trying to keep track of her own lies. She used to take a dim view of liars and hypocrites before she became one, but then, she supposed that was the usual story.

Ladybug felt that her best bet at this point was to play it off. "Oh, right. That girl. Yeah, you better go find her." Then she realized that sending Cat Noir to go find herself wouldn't work out very well if there was no Herself to Find, since the Herself in question was Here and not There. "No, wait, don't go! Uhhh- _I'll do it!_ "

Cat Noir hesitated. "Are you sure?"

"Like you said, I know her. We’re tight." Wait, should she have said that? Should she be implying that her secret identity liked her superhero identity, or would it be more plausible of 'Marinette' didn't think much of 'Ladybug' because of 'that incident' or something? Pushing past it, Ladybug blurted, "No wasting times with cute girls for _you,_ Kitty."

She smiled, expecting Cat Noir to do his flirting thing, perhaps saying that she's the only cute girl he's interested in, but instead he just stared at her. "Cute? Marinette?"

Why? Why did she feel the need to throw that in there? Was there a way to bring this conversation to a stop? "Sure. Don't you think so?"

Cat Noir relaxed and stroked his chin with a claw. "Well, uh, I guess she does have a cute... well, everything. Yeah, she's cute."

"Yeah. Really cute." For some reason, Ladybug felt her cheeks heating up. She wasn't used to hearing other people call her cute, even if Cat Noir probably said that about every single girl in Paris.

True to form, Cat Noir skipped over and stroked her cheek. "Are you blushing?"

"N- no."

"Are you sure?"

"N- _yes._ "

There was enough force in her voice that he snapped his hand back and gave her a wary look. "If you have a problem with Marinette, I can just go take care of it myself-"

" _No!_ No problem! Why would I have a problem with Marinette? She's great! Right?"

"Yeah, she is pretty great. She's creative, popular, and so friendly and giving and- my Lady, are you okay?"

She couldn't tell what expression might be on Cat Noir's face, because she was covering her own face in her hands and completely overheating. Why was it so flustering to hear her goofy partner talk about her like this? Alya called her awesome all the time. "I'm fine. Just fine. It's just- this is a weird conversation for me."

There was no reply.

Eventually, Ladybug peaked out through her fingers. "Cat?"

He was staring at her. "Oh, uh-" He shook himself and smiled. Or tried to smile. He was doing a thing where he was pulling his lips away from his teeth in a shape that was kind of smile-ish if you squinted. "Sorry, my Lady. I just- uh- right, no cute girls for me. I'll- uh, get out of your way, then. Have fun!"

And then, one extending silver rod later, he was flipping over the rooftops out of sight.

Well. Hopefully she hadn't just given away her secret identity.

Ladybug finally lowered her hands and fanned her still-warm cheeks. Good thing she got Cat Noir to leave. She wouldn't want him to find Marinette while she was still blushing like this, and mistake her humility for a crush or something.

That would be silly.

* * *

" _PLAGG, WHAT DO I DO?!_ "

Plagg had long been of the mind that he was not paid enough to deal with this garbage. That he wasn't paid at all, except in life-affirming Camembert, was beside the point. "When in doubt, you can't go wrong with eating."

Adrien continued to pace across his ludicrously-sized bedroom, as he had been for what Plagg calculated was roughly 'forever.' More worryingly, the boy wasn't showing any signs of getting his priorities in order and stuffing his face with cheese. Or getting Plagg any cheese, either, the ingrate.

"I just-" Adrien groaned. "I kind of suspected that Ladybug had a crush on someone. There have been hints. Little things she's said. But- but I never- the way she was blushing- it didn't- it's _real_ now that I know who it is! And the Who isn't Me!"

Plagg couldn't hide a snort. "So? You humans live for hundreds of years! Crushes last for- what, a few months at best? Just wait it out." That was the problem with humans; no sense of math.

Adrien finally stopped his pacing. "What are you _talking_ about? No human lives for much more than a hundred years, if that! And crushes can lead to love, and love is forever, and most importantly, _Ladybug's crush is a girl_ and I am _not!_ What if-" Adrien actually whimpered as he sank to his knees. "What if she _only_ likes girls?"

Plagg almost regretted having to ask, because this would surely delay the arrival of more Camembert, but his human seemed to be having some kind of nervous breakdown, and it was probably for a profoundly stupid reason. "I think I missed something. When did we learn that Ladybug is buggy for a lady?"

Adrien let out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. "Marinette! Ladybug is crushing on _Marinette!_ I should have realized back during the Evillustrator incident, with that completely random aside about Marinette being cute! But the way she was acting today proves it!"

Some people- not necessarily a certain bright red fellow kwami, but _some people_ \- thought that Plagg was stupid. Which was completely untrue. Plagg just preferred to not pay attention to anything he couldn't eat, but that didn't mean he didn't _notice_ things. Take, to name a completely random example, the fact that Ladybug smelled just like the cookies from the 'Tom  & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie.'

Plagg had definitely noticed that.

He just didn't usually care.

Thus, Plagg could have ended what would surely be a hilarious misunderstanding right then and there. He even wanted to, for a change, if just to make his own life easier.

But rules were rules. Out a Chosen without permission and the Guardian would hunt you down and show you just how durable kwami were. Oh, sure, the Guardians _pretended_ to be nice people, but there was that incident a while back with Trixx and Guardian Tomás and an unfortunately revealed identity, and now the humans referred to the Guardian's response as 'the Spanish Inquisition' and considered it so horrible that they mentioned it only in weird sketch comedy.

No, Plagg wasn't going to tell Adrien that his precious Ladybug was really the insecure cookie girl.

Still, there were no rules against... _nudging_ things in a more sane direction. "Look, kid, pull yourself together. You know both Ladybug and Marinette. Are you sure _this_ is the right reaction?" Come on, kid, think about it! Compare those hairstyles! Remember those voices! Think back to how they both smell!

Adrien looked over at Plagg.

And Plagg saw a look in the kid's eyes that usually only came out when Gabriel Agreste was delivering an ultimatum.

Adrien breathed in, and breathed out, and when he spoke, his voice was even. "You're right. I'm disgracing Ladybug."

Plagg wasn't sure he liked this change. "I wouldn't go that far-"

"This is upsetting, but if I truly love Ladybug, then it's her happiness I should be concerned about."

"Um, what?"

Adrien nodded. "Thanks, Plagg. I needed an intervention."

"Um-"

"You must be hungry. Let's get you some cheese."

Plagg shut his mouth. This might very well be a disaster in making, but at least there was food on the way. "I think I need a double-helping of Camembert. You know, for dealing with your freak-out so capably."

It would probably work out by itself.

Right?

* * *

The first Nino heard of it was in homeroom, when he got a text from Alya.

She was sitting right behind him, of course, and even at her most attentive seemed to have trouble with the concept that teachers had the authority to keep her from acting on her every impulse. Normally, she would just lean forward and whisper whatever was on her mind.

That she was texting meant that she considered this a Top Secret matter, and the only topic that she considered classified was the crush that Marinette certainly _didn't_ have on Adrien, oh no, torture me if you want but I'll never say different.

Nino glanced at his phone, making sure to angle it so that Adrien wouldn't accidentally catch it.

'DID U C???'

Nino texted back a question mark. He had seen plenty of things this morning, such as Alix and Kim's origami-folding competition. (Kim barely squeaked to a victory.) But he doubted that Alya was excited about papercraft.

His phone buzzed with a new message: 'UR BRO!! ADRIENETTE 4 LYFE!!'

Ah.

That.

Nino took his time tapping, 'HE CARRIED HER BOOKS. NBD.'

Moments after he sent it, a pencil bounced off the back of his head.

Well, Nino would be the first to admit that wasn't the most romantic soul.

True, it had been _odd._ Adrien considered Marinette a friend, and somehow seemed completely oblivious to the fact that his very presence caused her such besotted anxiety that one time she began spontaneously speaking fluent Russian, and she didn't even know Russian. A friend didn't normally offer to carry his buddy's books, and yet this morning Adrien had greeted Marinette with a model smile, told her how nice she looked this morning, offered to carry her books for her, and then had helped Alya and Nino peel Marinette off the floor after she collapsed and said something in what sounded like Portuguese.

Nino frowned.

He had just realized that Adrien had given a _model_ smile to Marinette.

Adrien _never_ used his professional smile- the one he used while working, the one he offered to his father- with his friends.

Why wouldn't Adrien smile genuinely at Marinette?

The bell rang, and before Nino could even consider following up on his worry, Adrien immediately spun around in his seat, 'smiled' at Marinette, and said, "We have trig next. Did you do the homework? You can see mine, if you want."

Nino ignored Marinette's blush, her recalibration of her speaking ability, and her subsequent admission that she wouldn't mind checking her work against Adrien's answer to number three.

Instead, he was staring at Adrien.

What was this all about?

Nino's phone buzzed. A glance at the screen revealed Alya's text of, 'SPARKS FLY!! FINALLY!!" A glance at Alya revealed her manic grin.

Nino wasn't so sure.

Not that he didn't want his two friends to find happiness together, but something about this was wrong.

The feeling persisted through trig class, through Adrien's later attempt to talk to Marinette about a comic book he had recently downloaded, through more classes and more of Adrien lavishing attention on Marinette, and finally up to the beginning of lunch.

This time, Adrien had whipped up to stand beside Marinette's seat and offer her his hand. "Would you like to get some lunch with me? I feel like we don't talk enough, and I'd like to fix that."

"Uhhhhhh," Marinette said.

"She sure would," Alya clarified.

"Great." Adrien smiled his _model smile._ "My treat, of course."

"Eeeee," Marinette said, as she let Adrien help her to her feet and lead her away.

As soon as they were out of earshot, Alya let out a higher-pitched version of Marinette's Eeeeee. "Can you believe this! It's finally happening! And I didn't have to do anything!"

Nino still couldn't make sense of it. "I don't know, does Adrien seem... off?"

Alya snorted. "Compared to Marinette? Or you? I'd say he's handling his crush pretty well."

Sure. Maybe that was it. Adrien had spontaneously realized that he liked Marinette, and was using his modelling skills to hide his nervousness.

Sure.

It made perfect sense.

Probably.

But Nino had a feeling that it wasn't that simple. Nothing was, with his man Adrien.

Still, he wasn't expecting what happened when they all returned from lunch. He and Alya had gotten back before their friends, having just taken their lunch on the school steps. Marinette had walked into the classroom first, bright and bubbly and talking about some fashion show she was looking forward to.

And Adrien-

Adrien looked like his cat had just died or something.

"-really talented," Marinette was saying.

Nino leaned towards them. "Dude, you okay?"

Adrien's eyes wavered.

"-and her charity work is so inspiring," Marinette was saying.

Nino glanced at Alya and hissed, "Something's wrong."

"-want to help even half as many war-orphans someday, but of course I'm not hoping for more wars or anything," Marinette was saying.

Alya shrugged. "What could possibly be wrong?"

"-mal shelters need funding, too, and you don't need wars to get stray cats," Marinette was saying.

Then Adrien burst into tears with a cry that echoed through the classroom, and ran away babbling something about, ‘too good.’

"Told ya," Nino said into the silence. Then he went running after his friend.

But somehow, Adrien had managed to disappear into thin air, and Nino didn't see him again all day.

* * *

Marinette had been upset about Adrien all night. She had no idea what had happened to him; they had seemed to have such a nice lunch together, and Adrien was so polite and kind!

Maybe it had something to do with his father. Maybe Marinette shouldn't have talked so much about the fashion industry.

Well, she would make it up to him. She came up with a plan to wake up early so that she could grab a box of fresh croissants, a token of apology to Adrien that would hopefully have him feeling better.

She had been so worried about it that she barely slept all night, and then overslept.

Of course.

What resulted was a mad dash that had her parents convinced for a moment they were being robbed, and then Marinette was tearing down the street with her backpack on upside down and a box of croissants in her hands.

Then she tripped.

Of course.

But instead of smashing down into the unforgiving but all-too familiar sidewalk and crushing her box, Marinette found herself suspended in the air-

-suspended by a pair of strong hands that felt all too familiar.

She looked up into the animalistic green eyes of Cat Noir.

"Uh, hi," he said.

Marinette blinked. "Hi. And thanks."

Then Cat Noir seemed to realize where his hands were. "Oh! Sorry!" He lifted her into a standing position and then drew back like the contact had scalded him. "You okay?"

Marinette checked her croissants before he nodded. "That was good timing. I'm glad you were slinking around." She smiled at him. Even when she wasn't Ladybug, her partner had her back.

Cat Noir didn't return her smile.

He was wringing his hands together.

Marinette's smile faded. "Cat Noir?"

"Y- you should be more careful," he managed. "You have- have people who- who _care_ about you. Care a lot. Important people."

Marinette blinked. "I know."

His eyes went wide. "You do?!"

"Um, I thought I did? Am I missing something?"

His hands flew to his mouth. "I shouldn't have said anything." He turned away and grabbed his staff as if about to flee, but then he turned to look at her one last time. "Please, take care of yourself. You're a special person, Marinette. Maybe more special than you know."

Then his staff extended and carried him away into the sky.

Marinette blinked again. "What was that about?"

Tikki poked her head out of Marinette's purse. "I don't know. He seemed very nervous about something." The kwami's voice turned sly. "He almost reminded me of you around Adrien."

Marinette giggled, and got herself moving again. "Not anymore! I had lunch with Adrien yesterday and didn't stutter once! I'm getting better!"

"You are," Tikki acknowledged as she dipped back into the purse. "Good job, Marinette!"

"Yeah." She just hoped she could make Adrien feel better. It was almost unfair that he had to be having such a rough time just as Marinette got the chance to spend some time with him, and-

-unfair-

-Cat Noir was stuttering like Marinette-

-and then there was that conversation she had with him as Ladybug, the other day.

Oh.

_Oh._

She skidded to a stop at the foot of the school's stairs, put her box down, and peeked into her purse. "Tikki! I just figured out something about Cat Noir that's really dangerous."

The kwami's eyes went wide, and fear dripped from her voice as she squeaked, "What is it?"

Marinette looked to the right. Then she looked to the left. Then she said, "I think Cat Noir is _crushing_ on me!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry once i got this idea i had to write something for it


	2. Obvious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets more complicated. Obviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i've been watching season 2 and i'll incorporate it when i can but this stuff can all be contradicted at a moment's notice. we're just gonna roll with it.

Chloe found it hard, sometimes, being such a good and giving person.

For example, she was on her way to lunch - at a five-star restaurant, of course, and she was even going to treat Sabrina to a ~~bowl~~ cup of soup - when she noticed her precious Adrikins peeking out from behind the lamppost near the entrance to the school. She didn't want to be late for lunch, which should already be cooking so that she wouldn't have to wait for it when she arrived, but Adrien was her best friend, and she couldn't let the situation stand.

She waved for Sabrina to wait, and then walked over to the lamppost. "Adrikins, you're doing it all wrong. _Honestly,_ considering how many stalkers you usually have, I'd expect you to know these things. If you want to spy on someone, you have to stand behind something that's wider than you. Don't feel bad, though. I made the same mistake myself a few times when I was just getting started. Not that I stalk anyone, of course. It's just that sometimes people don't want to say their most devastating secrets in front of me for some reason, so I need to deny the world the sight of me for a few moments."

Adrien sniffled from behind his lamppost, but didn't look at her. "I- I had a better hiding place before. But it ran out of cheese."

Huh?

Adrien had been lucky enough to miss classes this morning (probably another photo shoot), but he had obviously not been able to enjoy the time away from the plebeians who infested this school. Therefore, Chloe would have to restore his happiness - as well as his sanity - because Chloe was his friend, and being nice was what friends did. "Adrikins, are you okay? Are you crying? Do you want to come with me to lunch? Do you want to skip afternoon classes and go shopping?"

Adrien sighed and leaned his head against the (ew, dirty!) lamppost. "I'm okay, Chloe."

She snorted. "Obviously not. You're getting smudges on your face. Tell me what's wrong, and I'll find a way to make it better. Or I'll have Daddy find a way to make it better. Something like that."

Adrien didn't say anything.

Chloe groaned. "Ugh, can't we just get on with it? We all know you're eventually going to tell me anyway. Delaying is just going to make this all more tortured and stupid. Spill, Adrikins!"

At last, he looked over at her. "I- I kind of have a- a crush on- on someone."

Gasp!

(Chloe gasped.)

She hadn't expected _this_ to be Adrien's problem!

Oh, sure, she knew he was madly in love with her, and of course she was open to gracing him with her fondest regards, but she wasn't looking to be tied down just yet. She was sure that she and Adrien would be married, someday, and have 2.5 beautiful children. (Chloe didn't quite know what the ".5" was supposed to represent, but she had read that everyone had 2.5 children, and she was good at doing what everyone else did, only better.) But right now they were still young, and Chloe had so many things she needed to do before getting involved with all _that._ Like accepting the daily praise of her classmates. And staying on top of the latest fashions. And preparing to make Paris into a breakaway kingdom with herself as divine ruler-for-life.

But Adrien, clearly, didn't have his desperate emotions on her timetable.

Still, maybe she could salvage this situation. She said, "A crush, huh?"

Adrien sniffled again. "And- and I think my crush- I think she- she likes someone else."

Wait.

What?

Adrien thought Chloe was two-timing him?!

What a load of-

"And I think," Adrien said, "that my crush likes Marinette."

Wait.

What?

_What?!_

Chloe did _not_ like Marinette, for any definition of 'like' that any human could possibly imagine. Obviously. Marinette was little and pathetic and people liked her when she clearly didn't deserve it and her clothes were stupid and her hair was stupid and her dreams of becoming anything other than a chimney sweep were stupid and just because all the boys had fallen madly in love with her at one point or another didn't mean she was anything special. Obviously.

So why was Adrien confused on that point?

Chloe opened her mouth to ask Adrien if some model friend had given him any weird sugar to snort up his nose when he continued, "And it makes so much sense. I knew Marinette was great before, but now that I've realized all this, I've been paying more attention to her, and she's just- she's _amazing._ I respect my crush even more for being interested in a girl like Marinette."

Wait.

What?

_What?!_

Wut.

Adrien respected Chloe _more_ because she had the hots for little Marinette?

But Chloe _didn't_ have a crush on Marinette.

 

 

Did she?

 

 

Chloe was dimly aware that Adrien was still talking, saying something about, "...even wears her hair like Ladybug..."

_Ladybug._

Chloe really liked Ladybug. Ladybug was a superhero, and so clever and powerful and pretty and confident- Ooh, that confidence _especially._ Ladybug had the presence of a true ruler, a true master of people. Chloe squirmed at the memories.

And Adrikins was right.

Now that Chloe thought about it, Marinette's hair was kind of like Ladybug's wasn't it? And they were both kind of petite. And fiery. (Huh. Marinette had become rather fiery this year, hadn't she?) Marinette could be mean, but Ladybug could be, too. Meanness got things done. And when Ladybug wasn't being mean to Chloe, it was kind of hot. Er, _intimidating,_ not hot. And Marinette had become class president this year, which was _stupid_ because Chloe deserved to be the president, but that meant that Marinette was a leader. Like Ladybug. And Chloe.

But Chloe didn't like Marinette. Didn't like her, didn't _like_ her. Obviously.

 

 

 

Right?

 

 

 

But Adrien thought so. Adrien was smart.

Huh.

Well, obviously, Chloe couldn't help Adrien right now. She needed time to-

-time to-

-to think about things?

Maybe?

She left Adrien behind his little lamppost, fully intending to go to lunch, but somehow she just wound up circling the school eight times until she tripped over Sabrina.

* * *

Tikki was very impressed by Marinette- as an artist, as a person, and as a superhero.

But that didn't mean the girl wasn't a few cookies short of a baker's dozen.

"I mean, I guess it kind of makes sense," Marinette was saying as she nibbled at her lunch in the kitchen of her home. Tom and Sabine were downstairs running the bakery, which was good, because Marinette was still preoccupied with the conclusion she had reached this morning. "It turned out that Cat Noir has real feelings for Ladybug, and _I'm_ Ladybug. But it's not like we've talked all that much. How would he know I'm like Ladybug? But I'm _not_ really like Ladybug much, am I? Not in ways that he would notice, anyway. No, this makes no sense at all. Right, Tikki?"

Tikki held back a sigh as she swallowed a mouthful of cookie. "Marintte, you've been muttering about this all morning. You missed taking notes in all of your classes. Is this really something you need to focus on?" After all, that boy was _already_ responsible for so of Marinette's romantic anxiety even when he wasn't wearing that costume that Plagg thought appropriate for a teenage supermodel-

Marinette gasped. "I just realized! What will this do to Ladybug and Cat Noir's partnership? If he's thinking about me during Akuma-attacks and letting himself get distracted by complicated plans to ask me out as romantically as possible-"

"You're really the only one I know who does that," Tikki put in.

"-then he could get hurt and maybe die and then they'd have to bury him in a big public ceremony that would be on TV and everyone would see the tombstone and it would say something like, 'Here lies Cat Noir, he was brave and a hero but he died because Marinette Dupain-Cheng was too much of a sexy beast for him,' and everyone would see including Adrien and he'd get the completely wrong idea about me and we'd never get married and _without my partner I couldn't defeat Hawk Moth and he'd get my Miraculous and then I wouldn't have a husband or a Miraculous and I'd-_ "

And that's when Marinette ran out of breath and started choking.

Tikki tried to face-plant, but just ended up smashing her own head with her cookie.

Really, Marinette was a very confusing human. Tikki considered her a true tactical genius, able to harness the full power of the Lucky Charm spell with the most arcane strategies. Not all of the past Ladybugs had been so good (alas for one particular young lady whose strategy for every single Lucky Charm was to throw the object at her opponent's head; she died shortly after receiving a red-and-black polka-dotted feather), and Marinette especially had a knack for non-linear warfare. And yet she could be so _dumb_ about the most obvious things.

Maybe it all went together. Human psychology was complicated.

Tikki put her cookie down. "Marinette, you need to calm down. We don't know that Cat Noir has a crush on you. And even if he does, he hasn't let his little crush on Ladybug get in the way (much) of being a hero. I'm sure it will all be fine."

Marinette looked at her with hopeful eyes. "Really?"

"Really." Tikki took a bit of her cookie and nodded.

Marinette smiled-

-and then her eyes went wide again. "I completely forgot about Adrien! I still don't know why he freaked out, and I was going to bring him croissants- wait, what happened to the croissants?"

Tikki polished off her cookie. "You ate them all this morning while mumbling about Cat Noir, remember?"

"No." Marinette's eyes went wider. "Wait, what if Adrien _knows?_ "

Tikki blinked. "Knows what?"

"About Cat Noir falling in love with me! What if he knows, and he's been crushing on me all this time like I have been for him, and he's upset because he thinks we can't be together because I'd pick a gorgeous hero in black leather with a fantastic butt over the nicest supermodel I've ever met!" Marinette stood up and raised her fists with obvious resolve. "Tikki, for the sake of my future children, I need to dump Cat Noir in front of Adrien!"

Oh, for-

Tikki knew Marinette could be smart.

She just wished it was more consistent.


	3. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to let ya all know that i love ya. i accidentally smashed my phone last monday but all the wonderful comments i got from you guys kept the day from being a disaster. thank you so much!

People thought that Alya had a problem.

Alya did not share that opinion.

The 'problem,' at its root, was that she _believed._ Most people thought they believed in things, but really, it was more that they confirmed the existence of those things while trying not to be noticed in turn. It was like encountering ~~Chloe~~ a classmate you didn't particularly like outside of school: don't make eye-contact and get out of there as fast as legally possible.

Alya, however, had belief, and she knew it. It was a true belief, the kind of belief solid enough that you could grab it and use it to hit someone over the head (which people sometimes accused her of literally doing, the jerks). It was a belief that didn't bow down to such petty things as rules or civilization or personal safety or even the angry glares of cranky teachers.

And the things Alya believed in were some of the most important things in the world.

She believed in herself. She believed in Ladybug. She believed in Truth and Justice. And she believed in Marinette.

Sometimes, Marinette required a lot more blind faith than the others.

As Alya waited at the front steps of the school, Marinette was returning from lunch break. As usual, Marinette managed to trip and nearly kill herself as she stepped up onto the curb, but unusually, this was because she was doing something actively dangerous, instead of merely existing. (Although now that Alya thought about it, ‘existing’ was probably the most dangerous possible thing to do. That had such a faux-wise sound to it that she made a mental note to work it into a blog post soon.) Marinette was looking up as she walked, shielding her eyes from the sun and scanning the rooftops.

And Alya knew Marinette was looking specifically at the rooftops because she herself spent a lot of time looking for lurking/spying/resting/guarding/smooching superheroes. That specific angle of searching, that specific craning of the neck, was unmistakable.

As Marinette stumbled towards the steps, Alya reached out to steady her friend and said, "Ladybug or Cat Noir?"

"Ah!" Marinette somehow managed to trip straight out of Alya's grip. "I don't- I'm not- this is- what?"

Alya smirked. "Were you looking for Ladybug or Cat Noir?"

"C- um, no, I'm not looking for either one. Why would I do that? Ha, ha. Ha. (ha.)"

"Come on, girl, what else would anyone in this city be looking up for? We have our own super-powered guardians of Truth and Justice!" Alya felt a warm glow as she put her passion into words. Real superheroes! Right here in Paris! Their adventures were practically centered on Alya's school! And their career started the _day after_ she first started school here!

The only sign that could possibly be more clear was if an old prophet dude in a robe appeared standing on a cloud in a shaft of light, proclaiming that Alya was right about everything, forever. But her Ladybug blog was really popular on tumblr, and that was pretty much the same thing.

Marinette climbed her way back to her feet (Alya happily letting herself be used as a ladder) and said, "I was... uh, looking for- um, looking _out_ for... pigeons?"

Alya didn't dignify that with a response.

Marinette sighed. "Okay, I wasn't looking for pigeons."

Alya nodded. Marinette was terrible at keeping secrets.

(She felt a chill 'dramatic irony' wind brush the back of her neck, but she was used to it. It seemed to be a common hazard in this neighborhood of Paris, for some reason.)

Marinette bit the bottom of her lip. "I- I'm not sure if I can talk about it. Things are- are complicated, and-"

That's when Chloe stomped up to them and threw a bright red shawl around Marinette's shoulders.

Alya looked at Marinette.

Marinette looked at Alya.

They blinked at each other simultaneously.

(Best friends had great coordination like that.)

Alya broke the silence first. "Chloe, what are you doing?"

If she had heard Alya's question, the words had done her usual thing of entering through one ear, looking around Chloe's brain and realizing that they were terribly over-dressed for this kind neighborhood, and slinking out the other ear while looking over their shoulders for pursuit. The class bully was, at the moment, running her hands through Marinette's pigtails. Then she sniffed Marinette a few times. She even moved over to stare in Marinette's eyes for a moment. Finally, she leaned over to give a very intense examination to Marinette's rear end from a weirdly close angle. After several disturbing moments of that, Chloe grunted and stood up to arrange the shawl on Marinette's shoulders.

Marinette cleared her throat. "Chloe, why did you throw this- this-" She stroked the shawl. "-this fantastic bit of fabric on me? Wow, how much did this cost? It feels like fantastic!"

"It should. It's vicuna wool," Chloe said tonelessly. She crossed her arms over her chest and hummed. "Look at me like you're the cleverest person on the planet but somehow missed something important and you don't get that I'm trying to tell you and you should totally give me your full attention. And do it while pretending you're in denial about how hot I am."

Marinette, understandably, just blinked.

Alya, for her part, took out her phone and started recording. With luck, this might escalate into something that would get Chloe arrested. Or at least suspended from afternoon classes. Chloe was an enemy of Truth and Justice, after all, and Alya had complete faith that the bully would eventually get everything she deserved. Sooner or later. Hopefully, it would be before the revolution came and Chloe's father was thrown out of the mayor's office and into a guillotine.

Chloe huffed. "No, no, no! Completely wrong expression! You're just the worst actor ever!"

Marinette scowled.

Alya zoomed her camera in on Chloe.

And she had a perfectly blinding view of Chloe breaking out into a delighted smile. "Yes, that's it exactly! That's- that's-" She lost her good cheer in a moment, and just stared at Marinette. "Huh."

This was getting too weird. Alya had been hoping for justice and thwarted evil, not... whatever this was. "Chloe, unless you're lending Marinette that shawl, I think you need to leave her alone now. We have to get to class." She bent her legs at the knees, lowering her center of balance, and prepared for Chloe to make a fight out of this.

Instead, Chloe nodded, stepped over to Marinette, and quietly started unwrapping the shawl.

And when her eyes met Marinette's, she literally jumped in place. Her cheeks went red, and she snatched the rest of the shawl before breaking out in a run.

Alya still had no idea what that was about, but she was going to count it as a win for Truth and Justice, anyway. "Well, whatever prank that was leading up to, I think we nipped it in the bud. Come on, best bud, we need to get to class."

But Marinette was staring in the direction of Chloe's retreat, her face as white as her shirt.

Red cheeks on Chloe, white face on Marinette. What was this?

Alya immediately moved to grab her friend and make sure she didn't fall over. "Are you okay? You don't look good!"

Marinette blinked. "She- Chloe- she knows I'm- that I'm-" And then she blinked again, looked at Alya, gasped, and shook her head. "-Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm head over heels for vicuna wool."

Really?

Alya said, "Really?"

Marinette nodded. "Yup, I just love the stuff. Not that I can afford it. But if I could, I'd just spend all my time running my hands over it."

Really?

Alya said, "Really?"

Marinette nodded.

Well, Alya knew that Marinette _did_ get pretty freaky about fabrics. She practically made an outright fetish of whatever material was currently being featured in Gabriel Agreste's latest works. Although, Alya sometimes wondered if that was really about the fabric, or if Marinette still hadn't gone through enough of puberty yet to realize that she was probably more interested in the way the fabric stretched and rubbed over Adrien's body in the modeling photos.

"Okay then," Alya said. "Come on, let's get to class. I wouldn't put it past Chloe to be trying to make us late."

As they ascended the stairs and passed into the main courtyard, Alya continued, "But I was thinking, personally, that with that specific shade or red, she might have gotten it stuck in her head that _you_ are _Ladybug._ Ha! Can you imagine anything more ridiculous?"

That strange 'dramatic irony' breeze blew by again, and it must have been a particularly strong one, because at that precise moment, Marinette took a bad step and crashed face-first to the floor.

* * *

In the girls bathroom, Chloe was hyperventilating. And she really wished she could stop, because public restrooms were _not_ pleasant places for heavy breathing. This one smelled like farts.

But she couldn't stop.

Because seeing Marinette in red had evoked feelings of Ladybug, and those feelings had made Chloe's heart go thumpety-thump to something like a plebian dance beat. It was inspiration and excitement and comfort and confidence and safety and the knowledge that no one would ever leave and not come back again.

It was love.

That was what Chloe felt for Ladybug. And seeing that Ladybug-red shade against Marinette's face had brought all those same feelings on.

It was amazing. It was terrifying. Chloe didn't know what to do about it. She had the usual strong urge to exert control by making unreasonable demands until people gave in to stop the screaming, but she doubted that would fix anything this time. It never did, when Ladybug was involved.

Chloe had a type.

And Marinette had a really cute butt.

Chloe _liked_ Marinette.

She also _liked_ Ladybug.

So what was she supposed to do?

 

 

 

Well, first things first, she needed to let Adrien down gently. The poor boy had lost his mother not long ago, and now the one beautiful and powerful girl who might understand him was unavailable. Maybe he could take Sabrina as a consolation prize.

But, really, _was_ Chloe unavailable? She liked both Ladybug and Marinette, however that had happened, but that didn't settle things. There was no doubt in her mind that Ladybug and Marinette both would jump at the chance to jump her, but what was Chloe supposed to do with _two_ cute girls? Was that even legal? Given the choice, she'd rather Ladybug over Marinette, but how would that work if every time Chloe looked at Marinette and thought of red tights she cheated on Ladybug in her heart?

Wow, this love stuff was complicated.

Maybe Adrien could help. After all, even if she was utterly breaking his heart and ruining his plans, he was her friend. And maybe he could take Marinette as a consolation prize, if things worked out nicely.

Surely, he would be content with that?

And Chloe could be generous when her friends' contentment was on the line. Usually.

* * *

Across the city, the man who was sometimes known as Hawk Moth shifted his attention away from a report on this quarter's earnings and reached out with his mind. There was a familiar feeling, a kind of dramatically-ironic breeze combined with a certain unique kind of dread.

He smiled.

It was a _Chloe_ day.

He wondered who she'd be corrupting for him, and what kind of a supervillain he was in the mood to make...


	4. Power

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's like these kids are TRYING to miscommunicate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rating has been bumped to teen for violent humor.

**Power**

Marinettte was almost relieved when she got to classroom to find that Adrien was still missing, because it meant she could have a nervous breakdown without worrying about whether or not he'd find it attractive.

Chloe knew she was Ladybug!

Chloe 'I Paid For My Self-Worth On Credit' Bourgeois knew that Marinette 'My Name Is A Bread Pun Because My Parents Are Bakers LOL' Dupain-Cheng was the one and only Miraculous Ladybug.

Marinette made a sound that was approximately 42% giggle and 57% sob (and 1% hoot like a barn owl) as she plopped down in her seat next to Alya. This was the kind of thing that could ruin your day, if your day hadn't already been ruined by waking up late, finding out that her partner had somehow fallen out of love with Ladybug and fallen in love with her pinker and much less masked civilian identity, and accidentally eating a whole box of croissants after said Cat Noir-related discovery so that now her stomach was going gurgle-gurgle-guggle-glub. She still hadn't addressed the problem of Cat 'Has a Friggin Pigtail Fetish Apparently' Noir being madly in love with her, never mind making sure it didn't ruin her chances with Adrien.

She still needed to break Cat Noir's heart in the name of true love.

But first there was the matter of Chloe. As Miss Bustier said something about handing out an exam that would make up 42% of their final grade, Marinette looked across the classroom to her tormentor's seat. Chloe wasn't there, leaving her seatmate Sabrina to once again to vicariously live the life of the rich and famous by completing test assignments and then putting Chloe's name on top of them.

Was Chloe out there right now telling the world that the Miraculous Ladybug was just an aspiring fashion-designer with a stupid bread-pun for a name? Was she making a deal with Hawkmoth to hand over the Ladybug earrings in exchange for a skin suit made from Marinette's remains? Was she at home putting on her Ladybug cosplay in anticipation of standing in front of a mirror for hours and running her hands over her own spandex-clad body?

(Marinette really wished that Chloe would get some curtains on her penthouse's windows. Patrolling superheroes did _not_ need to see that kind of thing.)

Well, no matter what, Marinette was sure that Chloe would cause trouble. Either the horrible bully would spurn her former admiration for Ladybug and ruin everything out of sheer hatred of Marinette, or she would embrace the Ladybug hidden in Marinette and extend her regular hero worship to all hours and aspects of Marinette's life. It was up in the air which would be worse.

So what was Marinette to do?

Change her name and appearance, and start a new life as an aspiring interior decorator from Spain?

Bribe Chloe to stay quiet by promising to make herself available for selfies at any time of the day?

Discover some new kind of Miraculous mind-wiping Jedi Mind Trick powers? (Or maybe the flashy thing from the 'Men In Black' movies? That would be neat, especially if it worked on parents and secret-identity-happy best friends.)

Kill Chloe to preserve the secret and dump the body in the river?

Hmmmmmm-

No.

No.

_No._

Superheroes did not murder people who discovered their secret identities. That would be wrong. Even if it was Chloe.

Right?

Right. Superheroes protected civilians. No matter what secrets they uncovered. Or how horrible they were to everyone around them. Or how screechy their voices were. Or how clingy they got with Adrien.

Right.

Marinette could not kill Chloe because Adrien would not approve.

-er, because killing people was wrong.

Although-

No.

Asking Cat Noir to do it for her as a way of proving his love would be wrong, too.

Right?

"Okay, class," Miss Bustier said. "Time to hand in those really important tests that make up 42% of your final grade."

Marinette blinked and looked down at the blank test in front of her.

Oh.

Well, it looked like she'd be bribing the teacher with free cookies again. At least this time it wasn't for missing classes without a (good, non-superhero) excuse. As class president, Marinette of course didn't condone bribing school staff, especially when Chloe did it, but for now it was at the bottom of her list of planned reforms.

Hm, maybe Chloe would accept cookies as payment for not telling the world who Ladybug really was?

 _Poison_ cookies!

No. Stop that.

* * *

Once classes were over, Nino went through his normal exit routine- talk with Alya, consider kissing her, listen to the next planned update to the Ladyblog instead, hit his locker to 'accidentally' forget to take his textbooks home, spin up a tune on his phone, and restore his headphones to their right and proper place over his ears.

Today it was a bit different, as he had to stop talking to Alya for a moment to avoid getting run over by a Marinette who had apparently become an Olympic sprinter at some point during the afternoon. Maybe she had another bathroom emergency. The poor girl seemed to really be suffering from that this year. He hoped it wasn't a female problem, because he wanted to support his friends but had a deep existential dread of learning anything about female biology. He still hadn't quite figured out how he would make that work while also having a girlfriend, but he had never been the type to worry much about the future.

Nino made his way out of the school and checked his phone for messages. He was hoping to hear from Adrien, and was really worried about the kid (yes, Adrien was two months older, but it wasn't the years, it was the mileage, as an obscure archeologist once said) after that disappearing act he pulled yesterday. Something was wrong, and Nino wanted to help. But first, he had to get in contact with Adrien again. And all of the new messages in his inbox were related to deejaying, and none of them were from Adrien.

(Sometimes Nino wondered if he should get a hobby and expand his interests a little. He loved deejaying, but he had room in his life for all kinds of creative and enriching experiences. Sometimes it felt like he was a minor character in someone else's story, but he had dimensions! He had a life! He most definitely had a cosmic significance that went beyond merely being a repetitive note in someone else's narrative!)

And then as Nino passed a deli its door flew open and someone emerged to bump right into him, and that 'someone' just happened to be Adrien carrying a bag full of wheels of Camembert cheese.

Oh, how convenient!

"Dude," Nino said. "What happened to you? Why are you buying cheese? Why did you run away crying the other day?"

Adrien's mouth worked up and down until he found his voice. "I- uh- important business came up, and- um, it requires lots of cheese, and- uh, something about cats?"

A thought occurred to Nino. "One of your model friends didn't get you to try snorting some white powder up your nose, did they?"

"Um, no?" Adrien blinked. "Why do people keep asking me that?"

"Well-"

"Sorry, I have to go," Adrien blurted. He tried to sidestep-

But Nino raised his arms to block the way. "Dude, you're not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong. I'm your friend and I'm trying to be here for you, but how I can I be There if I'm Here and you're Not?"

Adrien's brow furrowed. "That's- that's a pretty logical question." He sighed, his shoulders slumping as he slowly emptied his lungs. "Yeah, you're right. I- something is wrong, and- um, would it be okay if- if we talked about it? That's something people do, right?"

Nino breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "Yeah, _friends_ do that. Come on, bring your cheese and tell me all about it."

They crossed the street to a little park and found a bench. A few pigeons approached and gave calculating stares at Adrien's bag of cheese, but he hissed at them and they fluttered away.

Nino wondered if that was a modeling trick. "So, what's going on? You've been acting weird around Marinette, then you ran away from her crying, and now you're going missing to buy kilos of cheese at a time."

Adrien took a heavy breath. "I guess- I guess it starts with the fact that I'm in love."

Nino's jaw dropped.

Then he lifted it back up with a grin. So Alya was right! Adrienette had spontaneously left the harbor and set on a world-wide voyage! But then he thought about it a little more. "Okay, so that explains some of the weird, but I'm still not getting the crying and cheese parts. Unless- oh, man, you have to wait a bit before springing something like that on a girl."

Adrien blinked. "Okay? Um, well, I was going to say that there's a complication. I- I might not be able to be with the girl I like. I can't- I need- I don't know what to do! I'm _trying_ to do the honorable thing, but-" He shook his head and shrugged. "It's impossible."

Nino scowled as he tried to work all this out. The problem couldn't be that Marinette didn't like Adrien back. If anything, Marinette liked Adrien a little too much. (Nino still regretted that time he had to lie to the cops to save Marinette from a restraining order. Why couldn't she just get her crush's face printed on the backside of her favorite pair of jeans like a normal teenage girl?) And the way Adrien was acting, all repressed and barely able to communicate, usually went with the dude's troublesome home life. So maybe Adrien's dad didn't approve of Marinette? Maybe Mister 'Birthday Parties Are a Marxist Conspiracy' Agreste thought she was either a gold-digger or else a certifiably insane super-fan? (Or both?) And Adrien needed the cheese to-

Um-

Bribe-

-someone who Mr Agreste respected-

-to-

-intervene-

-because-

-some people-

-really-

-liked-

-cheese?

Nino shook his head. "Dude, I'm not really clear on it all, but I think you're giving the situation too much power."

Adrien blinked. "I'm what?"

"It's all about power balance, dude." Nino nodded. He was warming to the subject. He knew about more than sick dance beats! He was _wise._ "Look, whatever is going on, you're obviously hurt and terrified. And nothing is going to work out while you're like this. Maybe it's a bad situation, yeah, but you can try to change it. And the only way that can happen is if you take back the power for yourself. I want to hear you say it: 'Nino, I know I can do something about this.' Come on. Say it."

Adrien looked skeptical, but he said, "Nino, I know I can do something about this."

Nino nodded. "Now say, 'Nino, I can make my own decisions.' Go!"

Adrien straightened in his seat. "Nino, I can make my own decisions."

"Right! More! 'Nino, I am going to try to get what I want, because what I want is okay.' Try it!"

"Nino, I'm going to try to get what I want, because-" Adrien slumped a bit. "Because what I want is okay?" He waited as though expecting something to happen, and when whatever happening didn't happen, he sat up again. "Because what I want is okay."

Nino clapped. "There! Take the power back! Now that you've got it, you're going to decide what to do about this. You're in love and you want to be happy, so how are you gonna make that happen!"

Adrien smiled and stood up. "I am going to use the cheese I just bought and then trying talking this out with the right people!"

Nino stood up and slapped Adrien's back. "That's my boy! So what are you waiting for? Go, man, go!"

Adrien nodded, hefted his bag of cheese, and ran off.

When Adrien was gone, Nino allowed himself to frown. He still hadn't worked out exactly how the cheese fit into things. Ah, well, it probably wasn't important.

He just hoped that Adrien succeeded in winning acceptance for his love. Trying didn't guarantee victory, but it was good for Adrien to start living for himself. After all, even if it didn't quite work out, what was the worst that could happen?

Nino thought about it, shuddered, and wondered if he was too late to catch up to Adrien.

* * *

Marinette had escaped school as soon as the final bell rang. After asking Tikki to remind her to bring more bribery cookies for Miss Buster, she transformed into Ladybug and set out to find and silence Chloe.

 _Non-violently_ silence Chloe.

Of course.

Because the other kind would be wrong.

Of course.

She was swinging to Le Grand Paris hotel, almost there, and slowing down to avoid another mind-breaking look into the windows of Chloe's penthouse, when the siren call of superhero duty echoed over the Parisian rooftops:

"Ohhhhh my Lady~~!"

Cat Noir was here.

Ladybug turned in mid-swing to find him standing on top of an apartment complex and waving to her. He was smiling, so there _probably_ wasn't an akuma, but this was a still a good opportunity. She could tell him that she had no intention of ever going on a date with him and please don't let it get to Adrien Agreste that the male half of Paris's super-team found pigtails to be some kind of freakish turn on.

Ladybug shifted her swing and was making her way over to her soon-to-be-heartbroken partner when she remembered that she wasn't Marinette.

Well, yes, she was Marinette. But she didn't look like it right now. Despite the pigtails. And the mask that really covered nothing of her face.

Come to think of it, shouldn't she be putting more work into this 'secret identity' thing?

She was still pondering that when she landed on Cat Noir's rooftop, and so he got the opportunity to open the conversation by saying, "My Lady, I need to tell you that I'm in love."

Ladybug blinked.

Then she smiled.

How convenient!

She leaned towards her partner so that their noses were almost touching. "Is this about Marinette?"

Cat Noir's jaw dropped and he backed away. "Oh, uh, you know that I- uh-"

"Oh, I _know._ " As if it was all that hard to miss. She giggled at how obvious he was, but then sobered. This wasn't going to be an easy conversation. "But there's a complication."

Cat Noir blinked. "There is?"

"Yes." She reached out and took her partner's hands in her own. She didn't like to see him hurt, and she would do her best to be supportive whenever she wasn't actually breaking his heart. "I can't get into it, but you really need to talk to Marinette. She has something _very important_ to tell you. I want you to listen to her, and to try to understand. Okay?"

Cat Noir just stared at her. His eyes narrowed, but there was no wariness in his expression, no hostility. He was really thinking over what she was saying.

Then his eyes went wide. His face went red. His jaw dropped.

Ladybug looked at him. Did he realize-

"M- my Lady," he managed. "I- I'm so sorry. I- I'll talk to Marinette as soon as possible. I- I-"

He seemed so worried. Ladybug smiled and reached out to pull him into a hug. "It's okay, Kitty. It's no one's fault. But I expect you to be a gentleman, okay?"

"Of course." He hugged her back. "I'm sure something can be worked out. Don't worry about it, My Lady."

Oh, good. Well, hopefully this would make Marinette's side of things easier.

Ladybug released him from the hug. "I trust you. Now, I'm on a secret mission. And you need to think about what to say to Marinette. Visit her tonight, after it gets dark. Okay?"

"Okay! You can count on me!"

Ladybug nodded her gratitude, and then tossed her yo-yo to swing back in pursuit of Chloe.

To silence her.

Non-violently.

Of course.

* * *

When Plagg was released from the Cat Noir transformation, he was surprised to find that he and Adrien were back in the boy's bedroom. And, even more surprising, the kid looked just awful.

So the planned love confession didn't go well, huh?

Well, either way, Plagg had earned his cheese. And it's not like teenage romantic drama was ever resolved this easily, anyway.

"So," he said, "where's my cheese?"

But Adrien didn't move to produce any delectable Camembert goodness. "Plagg, there's a new problem."

Oh, bother. New problem? But they already had so many old problems! What could possibly be the trouble now? Well, any number of possibilities, really. Just thinking about the sheer probability involved got Plagg hungry. And, when it came down to it, it was much more fun to think about cheese than trouble. "Sounds like something that can give an immortal finite god an appetite. I think we should-"

"Ladybug just told me that she knows that _I_ know she's hot for Marinette, but she also found out that Marinette is in love with Cat Noir!"

Plagg just looked at Adrien.

Adrien looked back with an expression on his face that said he was barely fighting back against a tidal wave of panic.

_REALLY?!_

Plagg, of course, knew that Marinette liked Cat Noir. He knew it better than Marinette, because Cat Noir was Adrien, and whenever the cookie-girl was around Adrien she stank of heat-musk. So of course she liked Cat Noir. Plagg just wasn't aware that she _knew_ it. He must have missed a new development in this whole comedy.

(To Plagg, 'comedy' meant that the story ended with at least one wedding. He was vaguely aware that a new definition for the word seemed to be in play in modern society, but he wasn't interested enough to bother learning it. He figured it was close enough that he was still right in his assessment, anyway.)

Good thing he didn't really care.

Besides, this would probably all still work out, right?

So he said, "Sounds like something you urgently need to address. And I'm going to need a lot more cheese if I'm going to help you."

With that, he felt a chill 'ironic foreshadowing' breeze across his back, making his fur stand up. Kwami were unusually sensitive to such things.

But more cheese was incoming, so he figured he could safely ignore it. For now.


	5. Lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladybug gets a clue. But just one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rating has been bumped to teen for violent and mildly risque humor.

Chloe sat on her bed and once again typed Adrien's number into her phone. Once again, the phone rang and rang and rang like the cellular hussy it was, but no Adrikins picked up.

"Gah!" Why wasn't Adrien answering? She had been trying to reach him all afternoon, but the phone would always ring and ring and ring and then shunt her to voice mail as if she was some kind of peasant and didn't righteously deserve to be exempt from all rules and difficulties because of how nice she was.

She tapped to end the call and then threw the phone across the room.

The butler (Jean-Davet or something like that) caught the phone and put it on his tray with the others. "Mademoiselle's friend is still not answering?"

"No, he isn't!" Chloe wished she had another phone to throw. She was having a romantic crisis here and needed to talk to Adrien. She needed his advice on whether to commit herself to the seduction of Ladybug, or to settle for Marinette, or maybe somehow work both of them into her life. And, because she was a terrific friend, she needed to confirm to Adrien that he shouldn't waste any more of his life pining for her beauty, brains and intelligence, and should go about getting over her or something. "Bring me another phone! All of those must be defective!"

Jean-Marceau (or whatever) glanced at his try full of phones. "But Mademoiselle has already tried calling on eight different devices. Even the old iPhone 5c."

Chloe huffed at the reminder that she owned one of those stupid things (however she had gotten it). This was why he was Help, and not important like her. "Well, Adrikins didn't pick up when I called from _any_ of them, and my love life is much more important than whatever he's doing. Clearly he would pick up if he could, so the problem must be with the phones! Bring me another one! _Now!_ "

Jean-Tristian (or something close to that) bowed his head. "As Mademoiselle desires." He took his tray of stupid broken phones and left.

That left Chloe alone in her bedroom with nothing to do but think about cute girls with pigtails who looked sexy in red.

She immediately hopped off her bed with another, "Gah!"

Maybe she should call Sabrina and find out what the other girl had messed up while covering for her in afternoon classes. Surely, Sabrina had done something wrong, because she was Sabrina after all, and shouting about it would make Chloe feel better. She was set to give it a try when she realized she had thrown all eight of her phones at Jean-Jean (close enough), and so had nothing to call with.

"Gah!"

Why wasn't the universe just handing her the tools with which to sort out her life like it was _supposed_ to?!

That's when Ladybug landed on Chloe's balcony and tapped on the glass door.

Ah, there it was. The universe was just running a little late. Stupid universe.

Chloe went over to let the hot superhero girl in tights into her bedroom.

She froze as the full implications of the situation dawned on her. Ladybug was _here._ And Chloe had at last realized that she was _in love_ with Ladybug. And was maybe considering cheating on Ladybug in a tawdry fling with Marinette Dupain-Cheng of all people.

Chloe wasn't quite sure of the social obligations of such a situation. Did this call for a formal outfit or something more causal? Should she ~~serve snacks~~ have the butler bring some refreshments? Should they sit down or remain standing?

To cover her confusion, Chloe went over to the glass door and slid it open. "Hello, Ladybug. Can I help you?"

Ladybug put her hands on her hips. "I'm here about something very important. I think you know all about it."

Oh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Oh._

This had come to _that_ point, already, had it? Well, it made sense. Everyone loved Chloe. Even Ladybug. Especially Ladybug.

Chloe nodded. "Just give me a minute." She slid the door shut-

-and then ran to her wardrobe, grabbed the required items, and dashed into the bathroom. She changed as fast as possible, checked her makeup in the mirror, flattened some strands of hair that had escaped from her ponytail, and then winked at the mirror. Looking good! (As always.)

Chloe couldn't hold back a little giggle. This was- well, it's not that she wasn't looking forward to it, but- it was rather _new_ and she was still getting used to the idea and- and-

Chloe was nervous. Maybe a little terrified. Those were very unfamiliar feelings for her, so she did what she always did when dealing with something she didn't understand- beat it up, wrap duct tape over its mouth, throw it in a dusty closet somewhere in the back of her mind, and forget that it was ever real.

Ah, that was better. 'Nervous' and 'terrified' were no longer concepts that she recognized. What did those strange words mean? She didn't know! She'd never even heard of them before! Ha, ha! Ha. (ha.)

Okay. Back to the business at hand. Chloe took a deep breath and emerged back into her bedroom. She returned to the balcony's door, where Ladybug was waiting, and slid it open. Ladybug moved to enter, but Chloe leaned against the sliding door, blocking the way, and gave Ladybug a heavy-lidded stare.

Then Chloe purred, "Hello, _lover._ "

Ladybug screamed.

* * *

Ladybug slapped her hands over her mouth, stifling the rest of her terrified shriek. Why was Chloe calling her 'lover' and posing seductively in the doorway while wearing a golden robe that was _not_ long enough on her and showed off thin smooth legs?! Was this some kind of game? Was Chloe making fun of her?

Well, if she knew that Ladybug was Marinette, and knew that Marinette was caught in a love triangle with Adrien and Cat Noir-

No, Chloe wasn't that observant. Chloe couldn't even remember what day of the week it was without Sabrina's hand signals. Chloe might have figured out Ladybug's secret identity (stupid pigtails!), but the rest of the situation had to be way too far beyond her. (It might even be beyond Ladybug.) Chloe was just-

-being Chloe?

Ladybug lowered her hands. "Um, sorry for screaming. I was just- surprised? Yeah. So, uh, we have some things to talk about. Do you think I could come inside- ?"

Chloe licked her lips. They were as pink as Ladybug's bedroom and as shiny as the rear of Cat Noir's costume. "Don't let me stop you." And then she didn't move out of the doorway.

Ladybug indicated the general situation (minus Chloe's bare legs) with a wave of her hand. "You're- uh, kind of physically stopping me from entering? I guess I could pick you up and throw you…"

Chloe looked down, looked at the door she was leaning against, and snapped back to stand straight. She took a step back out of the doorway, and then another. Her gaze flicked back and forth between her feet and Ladybug's, and then she took one more step backwards.

Apparently satisfied, she slumped back into a pose that was somehow all leg and cooed, "Please, come in."

Gulping, Ladybug crossed the threshold.

Chloe smiled, and spun to lead the way deeper over to the tiny cluster of not-so-tiny chairs near her bed. She wasn't doing her normal 'Chloe walk,' Ladybug noticed, with its tiny stabbing click-click-click steps that no doubt were the terror of so many local insects. (Since beginning to spend a not-insignificant amount of her life in polka-dots, Ladybug had developed an affinity for things with too many legs and too little fashion.) Instead, Chloe was barefoot, and she was putting a _lot_ more hip action into the general proceedings. The motion set the hem of her robe swishing this way and that like a bedazzled golden mop, not that Chloe had probably ever encounter a mop in her life, gold-plated or otherwise, the brat.

This was easily the oddest confrontation over discovered secret identities that Ladybug had ever experienced, and not just because it was the only one. She had the feeling she might be more prepared for what she was walking into here if she had spent more time watching those stupid movies about the spies in tuxedoes who inevitably ended up being dangled over sharks. Ladybug was pretty sure that Chloe didn't have a shark hidden anywhere in the penthouse bedroom (... _reasonably_ sure), but at least she'd know if a short golden robe was the standard uniform for supervillains indulging their control-issues.

Chloe finally came to a stop when she reached one of the big plush chairs in front of her bed, but instead of sitting in it, she draped herself across the top. Or, rather, _tried_ to drape herself. There was the typical 'swsssssss' sound of silk eschewing the siren call of friction and instead having a torrid affair with gravity, and Chloe slid right off to thump to the floor. She bounced back to her feet, once again did the draping thing-

- _once again_ tumbled off to the floor with a swssssssssssssss-

-and then hopped back up to sit on the chair's arm. "So, Ladybug. How did you want to... _begin?_ "

Oh, yeah, Chloe was just having fun lording over her least favorite classmate, wasn't she? The dynamic really shifted when you knew who was under the superhero mask.

And there was nothing Ladybug could do about it. Well, except ~~murder~~ manslaughter, but that was wrong, and anyway she had promised Tikki that she wouldn't.

Ladybug averted her eyes from Chloe and found herself looking at the lamp on the nightstand next to Chloe's bed. Wouldn't it be great if television was right and knocking someone on the skull with a solid object could produce a funny coconut-clunk and convenient amnesia? "Chloe, I- I came to work out how to go forward from here. Obviously, I- well, Paris needs me. I can't- it's important that I'm able to do my job. I-"

Ladybug was dimly aware that, at the edge of her vision, Chloe was nodding. "I understand. My daddy has many responsibilities, too. And I, of course, will eventually come into a rulership of my own, so I can hardly tie myself down with one concern, no matter how good it looks in tights. I promise I won't take up too much of your time."

Well, that was unusually considerate for a blackmail scheme. Ladybug looked back over at Chloe-

And found that her blackmailer was now leaning back on the chair to lift her bare legs into view.

Ladybug got out a squeak before she slapped her hands over her mouth again. She swallowed, and then removed her hands to say, "Thank you, Leggy- _I mean Chloe-_ but what is it you want, exactly?"

Chloe lowered her legs again-

-and continued lowering them, because that was a _lot_ of leg-

-and said, "Well, come over here and I can show you."

Ladybug hesitated. There was no telling what kind of humiliation Chloe would subject her to, but there was still the option to ~~hide Chloe's body in the next batch of chocolate eclairs NO STOP THAT~~ conk Chloe humorously on the head with something hard to conveniently induce limited Marinette-related amnesia. Hm, desperate times...

Ladybug walked towards Chloe, taking her yo-yo in hand behind her back. She started doing calculations about force and angles and how quickly she could get out of here. She noticed Chloe leaning forward, and adjusted her calculations for the new position and wait was Chloe pursing her lips?

No-

Ladybug readied her yo-yo as she considered the mystery.

-Chloe was-

Ladybug lifted the yo-yo as her face came close to Chloe's.

- _puckering up_ -

Ladybug froze.

-the robe and the lip gloss and the legs and the wiggling walk-

She blurted out, "Chloe Bourgeois, are you trying to seduce me?"

And then Chloe mashed her lips against Ladybug's!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ladybug was being kissed by Chloe!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmmmmmmm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Ladybug was being kissed by Chloe!!_

It was a lot like that time Marinette had tried to vacuum up a wet mess in the bakery, and a highly unlikely but retrospectively amusing series of events ended up with the vacuum stuck to her face. Chloe was certainly putting a lot of effort into this. But why was she kissing Ladybug? Was this part of the blackmail? Was this because she had discovered Ladybug's true identity of Marinette? Was this _in spite_ of discovering Ladybug's true identity? Was this how rich people opened business negotiations? How did Chloe get lip gloss that tasted like fresh strawberries? What if Cat Noir passed by the windows and saw this? _What if Adrien found out?_

Ladybug pulled back with a soggy pop and broke the kiss. Chloe still had her lips pursed, but her eyes snapped open.

Ladybug had no idea what to do.

Then she realized that she was still holding her yo-yo high.

One bop to the head-

-a funny little coconut clunk-

-Chloe might even say, "Ouch," in a squeaky voice-

-and even if Ladybug used too much strength, concussions weren't _that_ serious-

-right?

And at that moment, the door opened a butler walked in. "I have brought Mademoiselle a new set of phones for each of the major carriers-"

He stopped.

He looked at Chloe and her pursed lips.

He looked at Ladybug and the yo-yo above her head.

She hid the weapon behind her back and threw herself into Chloe's lap like the good friends they most certainly were not. (Chloe meep'd.)

The butler gave a single crisp nod. "Pardon the intrusion. I will take my leave." The door closed behind him with a click of the latch.

And with that click, Ladybug's entire world shattered like an old iPhone 5c dropped from balcony. The butler had nearly seen her commit assault on a civilian while said civilian was trying to suck Marinette's lunch up out of her stomach. What was Ladybug doing?! What was wrong with her?! Why would she do something like that (where there were witnesses)?! (No, stop that.) What kind of a superhero was she?!

Ladybug wanted to throw up. And it had nothing to do with the lingering taste of strawberry lip gloss on her tongue.

She said, "I'm so sorry," and ran for the balcony. She managed to find the door on her third SPLAT (stupid glass doors) and swung away.

As she left, she distantly heard Chloe sliding off the chair with a swsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss of her golden robe to hit the ground with a thump.

* * *

An hour later, Chloe posted a selfie of herself with wide eyes, shining lips, and a golden robe in disarray. It was tagged #firstdate and #ladybug.

(Also: #wow and #adrikinsansweryourstupidphone.)

* * *

Ladybug was halfway across the city before she realized that she lived in the _other_ direction.

Stupid Chloe!

Stupid Chloe's kiss!

Stupid Chloe's legs!

Stupid secret identity causing so much trouble!

Well, at least it couldn't get worse.

She got home as the sun was setting, stumbling to a landing on her balcony, and managing to mumble, "Spots off."

The polka-dotted supersuit collapsed into an infinitely small point and then popped back out into the shape of a reddish-pink kwami. Tikki hovered in front of Marinette and said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Um, sure." Marinette touched her lips. What if she still had Chloe-saliva in her mouth?

Tikki nodded. "Thank you. As you know, my perceptions are diminished while you're Ladybug, and my memories of your adventures aren't always reliable."

"Uh, huh." She wondered what Chloe used to shave her legs.

"So did you really make out with Chloe Bourgeois?"

Marinette laughed. She laughed some more. She laughed as she grabbed her pigtails and yanked.

And then an all-too familiar voice said, "What's so funny?"

_Cat Noir!_

Marinette gave Tikki a moment to dive into her jacket, and only then did she turn around to see Cat Noir perched on the railing of her balcony. That's right, she'd told him to come visit tonight, hadn't she? Because he was in love with her, and she needed to tell him that Adrien already had first call on her heart and assorted body parts. Because, apparently, everyone in her life but the love of her life was falling in life with her. (For life?)

Marinette giggled. She managed to get out a, "Hello, _lover!_ " And then she got back to the good old reliable maniacal laughter.


	6. Audible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Funny thing: it turned out that no one was being pessimistic enough about the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rating has been bumped to teen for violent and mildly risque humor. honestly i forgot it was 'general audiences' when i made that "skin suit" joke a few chapters back.

Sometimes, Tikki regretted being immortal and indestructible.

She had lived for thousands of years, experienced all kinds of losses as humanity - and the individual humans she loved - kept moving on in an eternal cycle of death and rebirth. It was hard to survive when so much else had already succumbed, but unending life also had its benefits and Tikki appreciated the chances to continue meeting new and wonderful people, to see things that couldn't even have been imagined when she was created, such as music videos.

But tonight, she mainly wanted to put herself out of the misery of watching Marinette and Cat Noir completely talk past each other.

"Hello, lover!" Marinette laughed like a ticklish twelfth-level dark mage, apparently still a bit loopy from the ambush launched by the creature Tikki privately thought of as 'the Chloe-fiend.'

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh," went Cat Noir, which was really the only possible thing to say in this situation. "Were you maybe expecting someone else?"

"Of course I was expecting y-" Marinette cut herself off as she, thankfully, remembered that it was _Ladybug_ who had told Cat Noir to drop in on Marinette. Good girl! "I mean, I was expecting- not expecting- anyone, because what kind of a high school student hangs out on a third-story balcony expecting lovers to drop by?" Then she gave a much more artificial giggle than before, followed by a real giggle that did not sound entirely sane.

Oh, this was going to be a complete disaster, wasn't it?

As Marinette struggled to get to her feet, Tikki took the opportunity to escape from her hiding place in her human's jacket and sneak over to conceal herself behind one of the potted plants at the edge of the balcony. With the sun setting, even her bright coloration should blend in with the flowers.

Now she could see what was going on, and hopefully this wouldn't be one of those things that could drive a person (or a kwami) mad purely by being witnessed. She had already dealt with enough multi-dimensional elder gods in her long career, thank you very much, and the ones summoned due to teenage antics were the worst kind. (And also the squishiest.)

Now that she could see, Tikki realized that Cat Noir actually looked nervous, perched on the railing and looking down at Marinette's nervous breakdown. He was trying to smile, and almost but not entirely succeeding, while his eyes had the distinctly tense appearance of the hunted. (Smart boy.)

So, either Marinette was right that he was in love with her, or something very stupid was going on.

"Well, uh, I'm glad I caught you here." Cat Noir climbed down from the railing, transitioning more into a pose like a chagrined door-to-door salesman. (Did they still have those? Or had they been wiped out during the Crusades?) "I brought you a present." He reached into one of his pockets, retrieved the gift in question, and held it out to Marinette.

Tikki was trying to get a look at what it might be, but Marinette solved the problem by saying, "It's a cookie."

"Yeah."

"In plastic wrap."

"That's to keep it fresh, from what I've heard."

"And the expiration date says it will be edible for another two years."

"Yup."

"And it's been decorated with Ladybug-themed icing. Um, do you know that I live in a bak-"

Cat Noir cleared his throat. "So, er, I heard something interesting today. About you."

Marinette's face immediately turned red. "I didn't make out with Chloe!"

Tikki smacked herself in the forehead.

Cat Noir blinked. "Okay, duly noted. Um, on a- a related note, I was wondering what you thought of- of me?"

Oh! Was Marinette _actually_ right? Was Cat Noir now in love with her civilian persona? Instead of Ladybug? _In addition_ to Ladybug? Then what was with the Ladybug cookie? And would Tikki be allowed to eat it?

Tikki was starting to wonder if this notion of Ladybug and Cat Noir keeping their identities a secret from each other (a policy enacted for very good and logical reasons as this Cat Noir so far spent approximately 47% of their missions being mind-controlled by the enemy) was perhaps outliving its usefulness.

_She_ knew who Cat Noir really was, of course. But she couldn't tell without Adrien Agreste's permission, or the Guardian's, or a majority of the United Nations Security Council, even if it was to stop a multi-angled demi-god from being summoned by a critical mass of bad teenaged assumptions. Rules were rules, and Guardians were real hard-butts about the whole matter. Even _Plagg_ didn't mess with that. Trixx had, once, and now multi-tailed foxes only existed in legend.

Marinette, meanwhile, was losing her blush. "What I think about you? Uh, well, I mean, you're- Ladybug really needs you, you're her partner, and you've saved the city- like, more than five times? And you've saved my life- maybe about five times? So, uh, thank you?"

Cat Noir smiled. "Oh, you're welcome. That's very nice of you. When most people give their opinions of me, they start by joking about how good my butt looks in black leather, and I find that to be a bit objectifying. And also creepy, considering that I'm a teenager."

"Oh, your awesome butt goes without saying," Marinette quickly replied, too quickly to have put a single micron of thought into it. Her brain caught up with her mouth a half a second later, and her face immediately went back to a shade of red that Tikki usually only saw in the mirror. " _NO I'VE NEVER LOOKED AT YOUR BUTT WHY WOULD I SAY THAT HA HA HA!!_ "

Tikki held back a groan.

Cat Noir immediately looked away from Marinette. "I'M SORRY I DID NOT HEAR WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE SO LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT IT."

Marinette put on something that was probably meant to be a smile but had more in common with rigor-mortis. "I DID NOT SAY ANYTHING I WAS JUST CLEARING MY THROAT (COUGH, COUGH) AND CERTAINLY DO NOT HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT YOUR BUTT."

Yes, the ability to self-terminate was sounding pretty good to Tikki, right now. Probably to Marinette, too.

"OKAY GOOD." Cat Noir glanced at Marinette, and then decided that the night sky was a better place to put his gaze. "On a completely unrelated matter, uh, I was just thinking about how I consider myself unavailable for dating."

"Oh?" Marinette tilted her head in obvious confusion. "But I thought-"

"Yup," Cat Noir continued, "I'm in love, you see, with a very special girl, and I couldn't date anyone else while she was in my heart. So, uh, you understand what I'm saying, right?"

Wait, was he talking about Ladybug or Marinette? Or both? ('Both' as in him thinking they were two separate people and not being able to confine his fantasies to one girl, not 'both' as in Ladybug was just Marinette wearing spotted tights and an inferiority complex. Tikki was really starting to question this business about secret identities.)

At first, Tikki thought that Marinette was just standing there silently with her jaw hanging open at Cat Noir's maddeningly vague pronouncement. But a sound was rising from somewhere beyond the depths of what even kwami considered the audible range, a sound that had Tikki looking around to see if any five-dimensional seafood was shimmying its way into this world, a sound that soon resolved itself into the whistling of air through Marinette's throat.

The girl was going, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..."

It rose in pitch, briefly becoming a normal sound before disappearing again. And then all the neighborhood dogs started barking in annoyance.

Thankfully, Cat Noir chose that moment to interject with, "So, uh, now that we've settled that, have you considered how good Ladybug looks in tights?"

Marinette suddenly inhaled, choked, and went into a wracking coughing fit.

Tikki frowned. What was this tangent now?

Cat Noir nodded. "Yup, any girl who dated Ladybug sure would be lucky. And not just because ladybugs are symbols of luck. Anyone who dated me wouldn't be unlucky, after all. Especially if it was Ladybug. Well, actually, considering her preferences, maybe it _would_ be unlucky for her." He frowned. "I don't _think_ I'm unlucky. I'm not, right? It's really more of a 'destruction' thing I have going on with my powers. Unless we're equating entropy with bad luck? To be honest, no one ever really explained the theme to me."

Marinette pounded her chest, breathed again, and said, "What are you _talking_ about?"

Cat Noir froze. "Er- just thinking out loud. So, uh, are we good then? No hard feelings?"

Marinette blinked. "Um, sure, no hard feelings about whatever. But, well, I have to tell _you_ something."

Ah, here it was! Marinette was about to refuse Cat Noir's affections! Tikki dearly hoped that this wouldn't be one of those cases where fanatical pursuit of Adrien led to disaster. Marinette was such a nice human, usually, but Tikki had been reading up on these new legal things called 'restraining orders' and she was pretty sure that her Chosen was gunning for one. Never mind that her focus was so narrow that she might be able to trample someone and only get it ruled as 'manslaughter. '

That was the problem with having a tactical genius as Ladybug. Yes, it worked out quite nicely while fighting supervillains in tacky leotards. But tactical genius wasn't something that could be turned off. Most teenagers, when they came to that inevitable point in their early explorations of romance where they fantasized about dangling their latest crush over a pit of sharks in order to extort their affections, abandoned the idea for simply not being practical.

Someone as clever as Marinette, however, could _actually make it happen._

Most people wouldn't even know where to get a live shark, never mind enough to fill a pit, but Tikki truly believed that Marinette had the right stuff to figure it out. Or, rather, the wrong stuff. And that was terrifying.

So Tikki was just a _tiny bit_ worried that Marinette was about to thoughtlessly and ruthlessly crush the spirit of her superhero partner, all as part of some strange plan to marry his secret identity.

Yes, it was definitely time for these children to reveal themselves. Before someone summoned a malevolent quantum calamari.

Cat Noir seemed just as worried as Tikki. He swallowed, backed away from Marinette, and took a fortifying breath. "Go ahead."

Marinette looked at him.

She opened her mouth to say something.

Cat Noir cringed.

Tikki frowned. That was troubling body language. Did he really love Marinette and expect to be shot down? Had Marinette already traumatized him by not falling for his pun-heavy pickup lines? (Not that Tikki would blame the poor girl. Such puns used to be a disemboweling offense in certain ancient societies.) Did he truly lack that much confidence?

Marinette shut her mouth. Then she sighed. "You know what cheers me up? My friends."

Cat Noir uncoiled himself. "Oh?"

Marinette nodded. "They're great. Even if I'm- I'm not as close to some of them as I would like, just having them in my life makes everything better."

Tikki wanted to applaud. Marinette wasn't just tearing the kitty's heart out and feasting on it while it was still warm! Who would have thought the girl had it in her?

Wait, that didn't come out right-

"So," Cat Noir said, "are you saying you- you want to be my friend?"

Marinette's eyes widened. "I- uh, well, to tell you the truth, I already consider you a friend. Not one I'm super close with, of course-"

"Huh." Cat Noir was staring at her. "Thanks."

"No problem. And, well, getting back to my point, there's this one friend I have. Adrien Agreste. He and I aren't that close, but I know he's a really great guy. So kind! And even if we don't get closer, having him in my life makes me happy. Do you- do you understand what I'm saying?"

Cat Noir turned to look at her, his head tilted. "You want me to tell Adrien to spend more time with you?"

Marinette's eyes lit up. (Figuratively. She wasn't that close to being a supervillain. Yet.) "Oh- well, if you're offering-"

Tikki started smacking her head against the stem of the flower she was hiding behind.

Marinette snapped her mouth closed, and then shook her head. "No. No, I'm not asking you do that, Cat. I just- I was using Adrien as an example. To tell you something. I'm very fond of him, you know. Do you get what I'm saying?"

Cat Noir stared at her.

Then his eyes went wide. "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I _get_ it!"

Marinette brought her hands together almost as if she was praying (and hopefully not to a multi-tentacled elder god). "You do?"

Cat Noir nodded, and then hopped back up onto the railing. "I do. I _think_ I do. And it's given me a great idea. Great for _everyone._ "

Marinette blinked. "Okay? Good?"

Tikki wasn't so sure of that.

But Cat Noir grinned. "Well, good talk, but now I have to go do superhero stuff. See you later, Friend!"

Tikki smacked her head against the flower stem again. Who actually called their friends 'Friend' in this day and age? Being the result of time-displacement _would_ explain some of the oddities she'd noticed about the Agreste household-

And then Cat Noir was climbing and jumping his way off into the night.

Tikki emerged from behind the plant. "Did I understand all that right? Cat Noir was okay being put into what humans call 'the Friendzone?' He almost seemed happy."

Marinette shrugged. "I have no idea what even half that conversation was about, but he's not heartbroken and I think he's not going to be asking me out anytime soon, so I'm counting it as a win."

Tikki clapped. "Yay! We won!" And no otherworldly deities had been summoned! The first round of drinks was on the kwami!

Then Marinette's phone rang.

The girl took it out of her pocket, screeched, and jerked so suddenly she nearly threw the thing off the balcony. "It's Adrien!"

Oh.

Tikki sighed.

Never mind about the round of drinks. But make hers a double.

* * *

Plagg couldn't help but wonder about this. "Maybe you shouldn't be calling her so soon after Cat Noir left? A delay of about- oh, the amount of time it would take to get me some cheese would be better, don't you think?" They were hiding in an alley, so maybe by the time they got back home, Adrien would have completely forgotten about his stupid plan.

Adrien frowned as dialed his phone. (From what Plagg had seen on the screen, that Chloe creature had left a hundred and sixty-two messages and sent 999+ texts, but Adrien didn't seem to care.) "The sooner I use the respect Marinette has for me to hook her up with Ladybug, the sooner My Lady can be happy with the love of her life. And then I can move on to being friends with the two greatest girls I know. Everyone wins." He smiled that strange smile that could curdle milk into cheese. "This is the best way. The only way."

The phone rang. And then it clicked. "A- A- A- Adrien?"

The girl's stuttering was so high-pitched that Plagg's sensitive ears could detect it echoing from its true source just a block away.

"Hi, Marinette," Adrien said. "I called because I love-" Someone a block away must have just sounded a dog whistle, judging from the screechy sound that suddenly came into being. "-having you as a friend, and I was just thinking how great a couple you and Ladybug would make. The next time you see her, you should totally ask her to seriously date you with marriage as a long-term goal. Okay, I gotta go. Bye!" He ended the call, and then looked at Plagg. "There, now I've done everything I can."

Yeah, the kid had done it, all right.

From a block away, he could make out the screeching echoes of, "I'M GOING TO DIE WITH MY ONLY KISS COMING FROM CHLOE 'TEN KILOS OF HELLSPAWN IN A FIVE-KILO BAG' BOURGEOIS!!!"

Yeah, they were all doomed, weren't they?

* * *

Hawk Moth smiled as his butterfly corrupted his newest victim. Not only had it proven to be a Chloe Day after all, but now he had gotten the last pesky straggler in that one class of kids. It was nice to finally put together a complete set (minus one, but Adrien didn't count for obvious reasons).

"Hello, Heart Baker. I am Hawk Moth."

Through his mental link, the voice of the akumatized Marinette Dupain-Cheng came back clear and strong. Except her response wasn't quite what he was expecting: "Oh, wow, I've been akumatized? I didn't know I could _be_ akumatized! You'd think this is something that would have been brought up!"

He decided to stay on script as best he could. "Even the most positive and loving person will fall into darkness eventually. You have so much love to give to the right person, but only receive it in turn from the people you wish would be content with friendship. _Heart Baker_ , it's time for you to balance the scales of love!"

Heart Baker's response was decidedly lacking in evil growling: "Why am I a baker? My _parents_ are bakers, but I'm really more into fashion. Shouldn't I be something with a sewing needle? Maybe a nice scarf?"

Hawk Moth frowned. "Listen, in your former life, your name was a stupid bread pun, and punny names are the foundation of many classic, well-respected supervillain themes. You were also clutching a cookie (in plastic wrap) that my little akuma landed on to bring you my power. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but this was never really my choice. I'm just making the best of it. I would have relished the chance to work with a fashionista, but there's no changing the past. Well, I lie, there is, but only after we murder a pair of teenaged superheroes, and fixing your villain theme is _not_ going to be my top priority at that point. _So._ " He took a calming breath. "In exchange for giving you the power to set right the proper flow of love, I want you to-"

"Can you read my mind?"

Oh, for-

"Yes," Hawk Moth lied. "I can see your every thought. Right now, you're thinking that I can't really read minds. Satisfied?"

"Absolutely," Heart Baker said with obvious evil glee.

Well, all right, this was more like it!

"Um," Heart Baker continued, "you want me to bring you the Miraculouses, right? And you can see through my eyes?"

"Yes, and yes." Hawk Moth took a breath and tried to figure out where in the script he was supposed to be. "So, bring me the Miraculouses, and-"

"And as long as I'm still pursuing the Miraculouses, you won't take my powers away or mess with me, right?"

Hawk Moth sighed. No wonder this girl had taken so long to become corrupted. She obviously lagged behind the rest of her class in the intelligence department. "Loyal and effective subordinates are given full creative control of their projects. Disloyal minions are punished. And I'm always available to provide mentoring as you embark on your career of magical terrorism."

"Great! Thanks, Hawk Moth! Chuu~!!" Then, through Hawk Moth's magical pscycho-link with his newest minion, he detected Heart Baker closing her eyes for a long moment. When she opened them again, she looked across her tiny little balcony to where Le Grand Paris rose up in the distance. "First, off to Chloe's to teach her a lesson about only sticking her tongue in mouths where she's been invited!"

Ah. Gross, but back on track. Hawk Moth nodded with relief.

The girl's dimness aside, he had a really good feeling about this one. Plus, he was quite proud of the costume. He couldn't wait for the world to see this one.


	7. Creepy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe's love life goes to Hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains references to cyber-bullying.

Chloe was so surprised when Adrien answered his phone that she didn't immediately know what to do. Entire millennia had passed, it seemed, since she had used a phone for its intended purpose. What was a phone, anyway? HOW DO I MAK CALL????

She sat in the overstuffed chair near her bed and stared at the alien, ancient device that had existed since before the Age Of Having Made Out With Ladybug. It buzzed with a tinny echo of Adrien's voice saying, "Hello? Chloe? Are you there? Are you on mute? Hello?"

She tried putting the phone up to her ear, and that seemed to make the sound better. She wasn't quite sure what the other end was supposed to be doing, but when she turned the phone around, it wound up positioned right near her mouth, almost as if it was waiting for her to say something. She tried, "Hello?"

"Chloe," Adrien's voice came back. "Uh, look, I'm sorry about not responding to your messages. There's been more trouble with- with that stuff we talked about. Did you need something?"

Her immediate thought was that yes, she needed something, the need was great, and that something was Ladybug's sweet icing-flavored lips. She had been dealing with such delicious thoughts for a while now, ever since she recovered from that kiss and the subsequent flame-war she had ignited on the internet by informing the world of her successful seduction of Ladybug.

The stupid peasants online had been trying to ruin her mood with their jealousy. Most were asking for proof that she had actually dated and/or kissed Ladybug, as if was less than completely plausible she had realized at lunch today that she liked girls and had gone on to seduce Ladybug before dinner. Others were taking her word for it, but doing so by calling her all kinds of horrible names simply for having the gall to act on an attraction to another member of the human race, the haters.

Still, at least Chloe was used this kind of thing. She was a _celebrity_ on the _internet,_ after all, and if she couldn't handle people posting "PPOR" or "kill yourself rich skank" at her every day, then she didn't deserve to one day rule all of Paris with no checks on her power or influence. It was like those peasants at school, all of them hiding their love and admiration for Chloe while they indulged their jealousy for everything great in her life.

But today had revealed a new, third faction of haters that were really ticking her off. They were questioning if it was _appropriate_ for her to be making _proclamations_ about Ladybug's love life _online without permission_ , and even speculating that Chloe's detailed public discussion of kissing Ladybug might actually be putting the _superhero_ in some kind of _danger._

Stupid people. What was the internet for, if not broadcasting one's most private experiences to a million anonymous strangers for a chance of fleeting attention? Ladybug was a celebrity, just like Chloe, and surely knew how to play the game.

"Um," Adrien's voice came through the phone, "hello? Did we lose the connection?"

Oh, right, the poor boy was desperately waiting for her. "Adrikins! I've been trying to reach you all day! I wanted to let you know that you were right, and I'm so sorry, but you're going to have to settle for Marinette."

His voice didn't come back immediately. "Hello? Is this a wrong number?"

"What? No! This is Chloe and you're Adrien, right?"

"Um, yes, but I don't have the foggiest idea what you're talking about. What's going on with Marinette?"

"Ugh, seriously, don't you _remember?_ You were upset because you realized that I'm totally into Ladybug and Marinette and sure enough it turned out to be true and I bet you saw the posts I made about my wonderful date with Ladybug and I'm sorry you had to learn about it that way but _honestly_ it's your fault for not answering your phone all day and I can't be expected to just sit on the news that the two biggest stars of Paris are in a committed relationship just because you were taking another five-hour shower but that's okay because I'm going to do you a favor and just limit my affections to Ladybug and you can take Marinette since I'm sure the girl will just be so heartbroken that the crush she's been harboring for me and antagonizing me over will be unrequited but you two can be heartbroken together and grow closer and get married. Or something."

Chloe waited for Adrien's exuberant thanks for watching out for him.

She kept waiting.

She checked to make sure the call hadn't dropped.

"Adrikins? Are you on mute?"

"Uh, sorry, Chloe," his voice came back. "I just- I've had a long day, and I'm not really in the mood to hear about you getting back into writing fanfiction about your friends-"

"It's real," she protested, rising from her chair. "Ladybug came to my suite and we made out! It's all over the internet (because I put it there)!"

"Uh, look, Chloe, that sounds like a fun if fairly contrived story, but-"

And that's when a flash of pink light caught Chloe's attention. She turned towards the source to find someone standing on her balcony, waving from behind the glass doors. At first, she thought Ladybug might have come back in a more comfortable outfit with some flowers, a box of chocolates, and a tripod for Chloe's camera, but no, there was too much pink and black for it to be Ladybug.

Chloe stepped towards the balcony, her phone forgotten in her hand once again.

The person out there waved again. It looked so familiar-

-and then Chloe noticed the _pigtails_ -

-that body language-

-all that pink-

Marinette had come to see her.

Via the balcony?!

And, not to put too fine a point on it, but instead of bringing flowers, chocolates, and audio-visual equipment, she was decked out in something like what Adrien's father might throw together after a week-long bender in a dungeon.

Marinette was wearing a black dress done up with fake pink buttons on the front that made it look like a chef's jacket, with a fluffy black pastry-chef's hat sitting floppily on her head. From beneath a tacky hot pink belt with a Ladybug-iced cookie as the buckle, a puffy skirt with far too much pink lace on the edges flared out. The stockings were, in the grand tradition of Marinette's idea of a sophisticated fashion statement, black with little pink hearts all over them. And the less said about the pink go-go boots, the better.

It certainly wasn't making her look healthy, either, with her skin bleached bone white. Well, except for her face. There, a big black heart-shaped mask covered most of her features and made her blue eyes stand out even more than usual.

Chloe rolled her eyes. All in all, getting akumatized just made Marinette look like she had gone twelve rounds with a Hot Topic store and lost, the poor dumb sexy beast.

That's when Marinette reached to her belt-buckle and removed the red-and-black polka-dotted iced cookie. It grew in size in her hand, and then began spinning, and then Marinette was cutting through Chloe's glass sliding door with a buzz saw.

It was very loud.

Chloe decided that it was time to be terrified for her life.

She put her phone back up to her face. "Hi, Adrikins, just to let you know, I changed my mind. I'm keeping Marinette, too. You should see how _hot_ she looks as an akuma. She and Ladybug will just have to work something out after Ladybug saves my life. Also, could you see about sending Ladybug here to do that life-saving? I'm going to busy running for my life. Tootles!" She ended the call over Adrien's squawk.

Marinette finished her cutting, and the center of the glass door fell out in the shape of a pig-tailed girl in a poofy skirt. She stepped through into the bedroom, and as she moved, Chloe noticed that the black dress was covered in black embroidery, visible only when the light hit it in a certain way. It was hard to tell the exact pattern; one moment it looked like hearts, the next muffins, the next-

Marinette grinned and said, "Hello, lover."

Okay, akumatization reason confirmed. Marinette was clearly heartbroken over Chloe getting to first base with Ladybug and proclaiming it to the entire world. No doubt she had been sobbing over Chloe's posts, perhaps stuffing her face with bread or cake or whatever to console herself, as the spawn of bakers no doubt did all the time, and then a demon butterfly had shown up in the latest expression of Hawk Moth's (lovelorn?) obsession with Chloe.

With that matter settled, she threw her phone at Marinette's face and ran.

But Marinette caught the phone, crushed it in one hand, and then she was sliding over to cut off the exit. Chloe stopped short before she could collide with her demon-lover-stalker, coming close to enough to nearly touch Marinette's face-

Maybe it was just the lighting, but-

-that didn't seem like a _mask_ on Marinette's skin. Yes, it was a different color from the rest of her, but-

-it didn't seem to have any surface to it. No texture. No shape. It was just-

-just nothing.

A void in the shape of a heart.

And it was from out of that nothingness that Marinette's eyes were glowing like twin blue torches.

She rested her hand right in the middle of Chloe's chest. Over her heart. "I think we both know why I'm here, hm?"

Chloe tried to laugh it off. "Um, maybe you misunderstood my post. See, I'm not in an _exclusive_ relationship with Ladybug-"

Marinette blinked. It was like little blue traffic signals blinking off and in the night. (Did traffic lights come in blue? Chloe had never actually looked out the window of her limo while it was moving.) "Relationship? _Post?_ "

"Oh, yeah, it's, like, all over the internet. I'm going totally viral. There's a flamewar on the Ladyblog about it. But of course Alya is so jealous she's not backing me up-"

"Chloe~~~," Marinette cooed.

Once Chloe got past the warm shudder caused by having Marinette croon her name _that_ way, she said, "Yes?"

"Do you really love Ladybug?"

Chloe nodded. She loved Ladybug's fierceness, loved her confidence, loved her yo-yo, loved those impossibly slick tights-

Marinette smiled. "Really, really?"

Chloe said, "Yes. I love her. I just figured it out today, but- yes. Um, but maybe you could join in?"

Marinette's smile got toothy. "Oh, could I?" She leaned forward to whisper in Chloe's ear, "What an ironic little offer."

"Sure! "Chloe took a long step back and made her face do something like a smile. Not only was that kind of creepy, Marinette was one of those poor dumb people who didn't know what 'ironic' meant. It was kind of cute, really. "You go on home, I'll check my planner, and we'll schedule a date just as soon as you no longer look like Satan's Little Baker. Okay?"

Marinette tilted her head to the side, making her hat flop in the same direction. On someone else, it might have been cute, but this tilt was a _bit_ too far. It just looked she had fallen for the old adage and almost forgot to take her head with her before running out of the house, but remembered at the last minute and jammed in on without making all the proper connections. "I want your heart. Will you give it to me?" 

Chloe shuddered again, this time in a very ‘don't kill me and use my blood in a hot-tub' way. "You're in the running. I promise."

"Patty cake."

Chloe blinked. "What?"

Marinette straightened her head and sang, "Patty cake."

The lights in the whole suite all suddenly went out.

Marinette's eyes started glowing. "Baker's man."

Every window and mirror in the suite shattered.

Marinette clapped her hands. "Bake me a cake as fast as you can."

Chloe groaned. She had just learned that having nursery rhymes sung at her in a spooky minor key was _not_ among her turn-ons. "Yeah, real cute. I'm just going to start running now, okay?"

"Roll it."

Chloe dodged around Marinette and dashed for the door.

"Pat it."

Chloe burst into the hallway to find that it was only lit by the emergency lights. Someone had been watching too many haunted house movies.

"And mark it with a C."

Chloe raced to the elevators and slapped the button.

"Then put it in the oven..."

The elevator dinged.

"...for Chloe..."

The doors slid open-

-and Marinette was standing there with her glowing eyes. "...and **ME.** "

Chloe skidded to a stop. "How did you get in here? I left you in the bedroom."

Marinette lifted her hands up and wiggled her fingers. "Maaa~aaagic."

In the shadowy emergency lighting, the embroidery on her dress looked different. The shapes now seemed like-

-like _skulls._

Chloe's legs went shaky. This was _not_ how she expected to be celebrating her first successful seduction! She was going to die because she was too much of a sexy beast for the girls of Paris to handle, and now the only internet headlines she would inspiring would be disgusted discussions of how many places her body parts would eventually be found in! That was _not_ what Daddy had raised her to do with her life (or death, as it were)!

Where was Ladybug?!

(Somehow, a 'dramatic irony' breeze wafted through the closed hallway to give Chloe goose-pimples. It probably came through the windows Spooky Goth Marinette had shattered.)

But, with the thought of Ladybug came strength. Hadn't Chloe been terrified of talking to the one, true love of her life this afternoon? Hadn't she managed it so well, slippery incidents with the chair aside, that Ladybug had been struck by a case of nerves and fled? Hadn't Chloe somehow found the strength to kiss her hero and love and idol and future wife and hold back excited giggles until after she got the news all over the internet?

Yeah, baby!

Chloe was strong! Chloe was special! Chloe's daddy was the mayor and surely being born to political royalty wasn't just _random chance!_

She could deal with this!

So she took her fear, beat it up in a dark alley, took its lunch money, used the lunch money to buy bubblegum, gave the bubblegum to (an imaginary) Sabrina because bubblegum was gross stuff for peasants, and then posted about it all over social media so that her victim's shame would continue on after the bruises had healed! Metaphorically!

Chloe reached out and slapped Marinette hard enough to turn her head.

Marinette sputtered. "Wh- what was that for?"

Chloe looked down the bridge of her immaculate nose at the latest akuma to terrorize her. "I think you've trying way too hard."

Marinette drew back. "What?"

Chloe put her fists on her hips. "Totally. Listen, sweet-cheeks, I don't know if you've been really paying attention, but I am the most accomplished akuma-dodger in, like, the world. I've had akumas try to throw me off the Eiffel Tower, like, eighteen times. I get chased around this whole hotel twice a week. All of my shopping trips somehow end up with an akuma coming after me, and I don't know why because I'm giving so much business to those slow, stupid salespeople. Like, every other time I go out to eat, I end up not tipping my waiter because they tried to kill me before the final course. Not that I ever tip, really."

Chloe stuck her tongue out at Marinette before continuing, "Everyone in our class has chased me with giant hair-dryers and flying scissors and stinking perfume and slime and tentacles and bubbles and neon weevils and everything. You? You're trying to intimidate me, but this whole creepypasta thing just isn't cutting it."

"I-" Marinette frowned. "I thought I had this homicidal-sexy thing going on."

Chloe barked a laugh. "Oh, please. _I_ was homicidal-sexy as Antibug. You flew up to my balcony to cut your way into my bedroom with some kind of buzz saw, but fyi? The sliding door was unlocked, genius. And now you're getting all up in my business and pawing me and whispering in my ear and who exactly do you think fantasizes about this garbage?" Chloe put her hand on Marinette's chest and pushed the akumatized girl back out of her personal space. "If you want to court me, you come back and do it properly. Like Ladybug."

The elevator dinged again and the door closed, cutting off Chloe's view of Marinette.

Hey, it had worked! She'd defeated an akuma all by herself!

The elevator dinged again, and the door opened to reveal Marinette jamming the open-button with a finger.

Chloe reached in and slapped it away. "You're ignoring my very clear communications about what I want, and that is _not_ attractive."

Ding. The door closed again.

A red-and-black cookie-buzz-saw burst through the door, and the pieces fell back to reveal Marinette standing there looking hurt where her face wasn't given over to an infinitely deep shadow of death. "But- But I'm a bad guy now! I'm supposed to cross boundaries you're not comfortable with!"

Chloe snorted. "Akuma expert here, remember? None of them - not even the gross monster Mylene turned into - went for _jump scares._ That's the lowest form of horror in the business! I, for one, am insulted. You're Marinette friggin' Dupain-Cheng, for Daddy's sake! You should be the scariest akuma ever!"

Marinette licked her lips. "Chloe?"

"Yes?"

"My name is Heart Baker."

"That's- that's clever?"

~~Marinette~~ Heart Baker shrank her buzz saw and put it back on her belt. "And I _am_ the scariest akuma ever. Give me your heart."

Then she jumped out and jammed her hands straight into Chloe's chest.

WAAAAAAAHHHHH!

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH," Chloe screeched!

Great, she had ticked off the akuma and now she was going to bleed all over the carpet and-

-and-

Chloe wasn't bleeding.

Yay?

Instead, Heart Baker's grasp was somehow occupying the same space as Chloe's chest without actually ripping into it. Chloe felt a chill where her attacker's hands seemed to be, a little drill of cold sensation boring its way through flesh and blood and bone. Heart Baker was rooting around as if looking for something, and then there was pressure and Chloe was _aware of her heart trying to beat-_

Heart Baker pulled her hands out to reveal that she was holding a cookie.

Chloe tried to breathe. It didn't work.

Heart Baker frowned at the cookie. "It's burned."

Chloe tried to talk, but she had no air in her lungs.

Heart Baker bent the cookie, breaking it in half. "And it's all mushy and undercooked inside!"

Chloe needed to breathe NEEDED TO BREATH _NEEDED TO BREATHE-_

Heart Baker grinned with all of her teeth and, judging by the count, a few she had borrowed from someone else. "But I'm still just so hungry. I need more power. So I'm going to eat it anyway."

Air-

And then a pair of strong arms lifted Chloe up at the same time that a blur of motion smacked Heart Baker right in the face.

Yay!

Air now please?

As Chloe was carried away - and ooh, it had to be Ladybug because it was a _bridal carry_ and a romantic rescue was just the thing to help get over having necessary organs removed by creepypasta supervillains - she saw the cookie halves fall from Heart Baker's hand and disappear when they struck the floor.

All of the sudden, Chloe could breathe and move again. So, of course, she threw her arms around her rescuer, shoved her face towards where she expected her rescuer's face to be, and smashed their lips together.

So, of course, the rescuer turned out to be a very surprised Cat Noir.

And he tasted like shampoo and Camembert.

Ew.

As he carried her back into her suite and out the broken doors to the balcony, Cat Noir said, "Oh, not _you_ , too! My love life is such a mess right now."

Chloe tried to think of a witty retort worthy of Ladybug. But when she opened her mouth, she just kind of threw up on Cat Noir's costume.

* * *

Hawk Moth opened a two-way connection to Heart Baker. "Did Cat Noir just run away?"

Heart Baker giggled. "I guess I spooked him."

"And what about Ladybug? Is there any sign of her?" Either Cat Noir was once again acting as a distraction and Ladybug was about to jump in and smack a fool, or Ladybug was delayed and Cat Noir was stalling. "Don't forget to check above you. Ladybug watches too many Spider-Man cartoons."

"I don't see Ladybug anywhere," Heart Baker said.

DOOM, came a sound somewhere from the depths of Hawk Moth's layer.

The plumbing must be acting up again. It had been making that noise ever since his butterfly corrupted the bread-pun-name-girl. "We'll just have to draw Ladybug out." Hawk Moth checked his watch. Maybe he'd pop out for some dinner. He could just about murder a stir fry. "How about you find some more hearts that can give the affection you deserve and the power you crave? That will draw the heroes out."

"That," Heart Baker intoned, "is an idea I just _love._ "

Yes, stir fry, then the ultimate defeat of Ladybug and Cat Noir. With a minion _this_ enthusiastic, it would be no problem.

Even if she was a creepy little chit. Seriously, he was thinking of sending Chloe a fruit basket as an apology.

* * *

Among the many new things that Chloe had learned today, it was that being carried by a superhero across the moonlight roofs of Paris could actually become _awkward._

There was the initial rush of being rescued where it was all romance and appreciation for having a pulse and maybe some exciting puking, then it became a little uncomfortable and one started to wonder if superheroes ever presented dry-cleaning bills to the civilians they rescued (not that Chloe couldn't afford it, but it was the principle of the thing), and then a final phase where things had lasted so long that the ‘rescue' had technically become a kidnapping. Chloe was somewhere between phases two and three, which apparently had been settled as a suburb by commuting awkwardness.

So she said, "Sorry about your suit. But seriously, it was like kissing my Daddy if he was made of Camembert. Why do you taste like stinky cheese, anyway?"

Cat Noir grimaced as he hopped them over a gap between buildings. "I have no idea! I don't even eat the stuff!"

"Well, then stop brushing your teeth with it."

That's when Cat Noir dropped her.

Chloe landed on an outdoor lounge chair.

She looked around, and realized that they were on a cramped little rooftop hangout. A few potted plants tried to add some cheer and color to the pathetic space, and there was a skylight in the floor right beside the chair. There was nothing to really recommend the place for someone like Chloe, who had her own penthouse that sometimes wasn't being invaded by supervillains. Hm, maybe a security system was in order-

Well, okay, this little balcony was free of creepypasta akumas. That was a very important feature to her right now. "Where are we?"

Cat Noir was wiping at his costume. "Marinette's place. We need Ladybug to purify her akuma, but if we can figure out what got her corrupted and where the akuma might be hiding, we'll have the advantage for the next round! Then My Lady can save the day as she always does."

Chloe liked the sound of that plan, not the least because she just started imagining Creepy Goth Marinette wrestling with Ladybug and was it getting warm out here? She fanned herself as she hopped to her feet. "We're looking for clues! We're like detectives!"

Cat Noir grinned at her. "Exactly! Like Batman!"

"And young gayish Sherlock Holmes!"

"Um, sure."

Chloe looked around even closer. So this was where Marinette spent her time, eh? "Well, I certainly can't go on a date with her here. It's so small, where would all the servants stand?"

"Um-" Cat Noir cycled through several expressions on his face, but since all of them were covered with a mask, Chloe decided to ignore them. "Since when are you attracted to Marinette? You- Adrien said something about a consolation prize-"

"You're probably too inexperienced to understand, but my Adrikins is very smart about matters of the heart." Cat Noir made several more funny faces, and Chloe thought that was very rude of him. "I thought I just hated Marinette because she's a twiggy little loser of low birth and lower manners, but Adrien figured out that instead I had a psychology!"

"A- a psychology?"

"Yeah, you know, one of those things where your brain knows more than your mind? I thought I hated Marinette, but it turned out that I actually kind of wanted to smooch her. And Ladybug, too!" Chloe noticed that one of the potted plants seemed disturbed. It was out of line with the rest, and the soil in the pot was uneven. "Oh, hey, look, that dirt is all messy! Maybe it's, like, a clue!"

Cat Noir was silent for a long moment. "Good catch. You investigate, while I take a look at stuff that might actually be suspicious!"

"Got it!" She picked up a nearby watering can and tried to use the spout to nudge the dirt aside.

The bad news was that Chloe nudged just a little too hard, so the pot teetered on its perch and then fell to the floor, shattering.

The good news was that Marinette was already akumatized, so Chloe didn't have to worry about having just created another homicidal magical supervillain! Yay!

The better news that a pair of earrings tumbled out of the dirt as if they had been buried there. There was a prize inside! Chloe was so lucky!

And the best news was that a little red polka-dotted fairy with a bulbous head blinked into existence with a flash right next to the earrings.

Wait, what?

The fairy looked at Chloe. Then it looked at Cat Noir. Then it held up its cute little hands and said, "None of this is my fault!"

Chloe decided to scream.

Weirdly, Cat Noir did, too.


	8. Pigtails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heart Baker gets take-out. Everyone else talks about how to take her out.

Nathaniel Kurtzberg (aka The Evillustrator, aka The Quiet One, aka Comic Book Freak-Boy, aka Ooh Look At Him Blushing) stepped into his room to find a girl lounging on his bed. And then he let out a relieved sigh when he realized she was an akumatized monster here to turn him into a zombie or something.

Then he realized it was _Marinette_ , and went back to struggling to breathe through the crushing awareness of being a gentle soul with such vulnerable feelings.

"Hell~ooo!" The Creature That Was Once Marinette gave a smile so sharp it was amazing she didn't cut her lips on it. "I think this is where one of us is supposed to make a joke about drawing French girls."

Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.

It had finally happened. Marinette had been akumatized, and now the world was going to be destroyed.

Nathaniel was not usually this terrified of the magical supervillains who rampaged through Paris. He couldn't be, considering how many he had encountered. His whole class had now been evilized (right? Marinette was the last holdout? Or was there another-) as well as half the teaching staff and three quarters of his neighbors. At this point, being afraid of akuma was like being afraid of rainy weather; yes, it was inconvenient, but walking around in terror of it wasn't going to get anything done. You just took an umbrella with you and wore an old pair of shoes.

(Broken-in sneakers were better for terrorized running, after all, and if that failed, an umbrella made an adequate weapon.)

But this was _Marinette._ Sometimes, Nathaniel had nightmares about what she would be like as akuma. (Not the dreams of her he would have hoped for, really, but that probably came from the types of comic books he read.) He himself was a shy, quiet, introverted, nerdy artist type. He knew this. He embraced this. He had even planned on an artistic career fueled by the angst of expecting to die alone and unkissed. (Everyone knew that happy, content, or just mildly annoyed artists never accomplished anything. Yes, even in the comic book industry.)

And yet one (Chloe and a) magical butterfly later, he had been terrorizing people and fighting superheroes and dropping in on Marinette _in her bedroom_ to ask her to _go on a date with him_. If he could be transformed so completely, then there was no limit to the changes that could be wrought!

And Marinette was _nice._ She was the nicest person in the whole school. The only reason he didn't consider her the nicest person in all of Paris was that he didn't know _everyone_ in Paris. Marinette was kindness personified, practically carved (by one very talented sculptor, rawr) out of empathy.

She was the first to discover that Ivan only asked for lunch money if he intended to pay it back, that Juleka could actually use her mouth to form words when she concentrated, that Kim's pet goldfish were not being raised to take part in some kind of aquatic fighting ring, that Nino knew what 'cinematography' was (and confirmed it had nothing to do with being a deejay), and that Alya had moments where she kind of came across as almost sane.

Marinette was the bright light of the class, one of those new LED kinds that simulated a warm glow while maintaining the long life and low power draw of a normal LED!

So, naturally, Nathaniel had always assumed that if she was ever akumatized, she'd become some kind of monster made of scissors or a witch with skin covered in creepy stitches, intent on re-enacting scenes from horror movies named after construction hardware.

He was only _slightly_ relieved to see her wearing a floppy hat and a dress styled like a baker's jacket (but with the kind of poofy skirt that didn't usually mix well with industrial ovens). _Slightly,_ because she seemed to be missing a heart-shaped chunk of reality in the center of her face, and as an artist, Nathaniel was more than capable of parsing a visual metaphor that blatant.

Also, while he had been standing there ruminating on how dangerous this situation was, all the paper around his room had crawled up the walls to reveal sloppy ink drawings of this akumatized Marinette eating odd-shaped dripping things. Naturally, the Marinettes were all drawn with spiky teeth. Marinette was not, primarily, an illustrator, but she knew the core principles.

Nathaniel's legs started shaking. "Uh- uh- Marinette-"

She sat up on his bed. "My name is Heart Baker."

Nathaniel allowed himself a brief, unkind thought for Hawk Moth. "H- H- Heart B- Baker- please d- don't hurt m- me?"

"Hurt a boy who feels so strongly for me?" She slid off his bed with far more zig-zagging motion than was strictly necessary and got to her feet. The unnecessary horizontal movement, mostly in the skirt-area, continued as she stepped up to him to run her hands through his hair. "I want you to give me your heart. And just in case the context isn't making it clear, that's not a metaphor."

He nodded. (He could guess what the drippy things were in the drawings, now.)

Heart Baker brought one of her hands down to caress his lips. "Aren't you scared? Don't you want to run?"

He nodded. (As an artist, he was generally against running, but was a bigger believer in not allowing himself to be cannibalized.)

She giggled. "You're not very good at running, then. I bet you could make it, oh, maybe three blocks south and then one and a half blocks east, to that neat massage parlor. Yes, that's about as far and as fast as you could run before I caught you."

He nodded. (He didn't know when she became so good at math, but decided to take her word for it. He tried sending the 'Flee! Flee while we can!' signal to his legs, only to be met with the biological equivalent of radio silence as they continued to tremble.)

Heart Baker slid her left foot out of its pink go-go boot and lifted it to tickle his knee. "Could it be that you _want_ to give me your heart? Literally or metaphorically?"

He shook his head.

And it was true. Normally, he very much would want to pledge his undying devotion to Marinette, even if there was never of a chance of him actually doing such a thing. But _this_ Creature That Was Once Marinette? This was all wrong.

She was still wearing her hair in _pigtails_ that poked out from beneath her black hat.

Nathaniel didn't have a pigtail fetish, not really. He had tried drawing Marinette in different hairstyles and had quite liked the results, thank you. But he was an artist, a student of comic books, and knew how to communicate characterization with visual shorthand. Pigtails were for girls who were not yet adults, not yet mature.

He was more than willing to watch from afar as Marinette grew from the cutest girl in the school to the most beautiful woman in the world. He understood, theoretically, that she would eventually get more wiggle in her motion, would become a lot harder to draw properly without learning more about female adult musculature. That was fine. That was more than fine.

But this Marinette - this _Heart Baker_ \- was a Marinette who still wore her hair in pigtails and got stammery around Adrien and blushed when Kim told _those_ kinds of jokes. And yet Hawk Moth's powers had her slithering over Nathaniel's bed and walking like she was trying to throw out a hip and tickling his knee with her toes and _oh mercy he could feel the stitch in her stocking even through his jeans_.

Nathaniel knew he was being assaulted by a monster, a mix of a wonderful teenage girl and Hawk Moth's idea of a seductress. (Which, apparently, took a lot of influence from Goth Lolita style, the perv, and mixed it with a healthy dose of 'The Thing That Came From Hell And Ate The Protagonists.') It was tasteless on so many levels that Nathaniel would actually have to do his Physics homework to understand the damage it was doing to the fabric of reality.

And knowing that Hawk Moth was in control of Heart Baker was the most terrifying thing of all.

Heart Baker sighed. "Si~lly boy. Theo wouldn't run, either. I guess I'll just go ahead and accept your love."

Then she grabbed his neck, threw him to floor, and plopped herself down on his stomach.

Nathaniel squealed. She was a lot heavier than he expected. Must be all the carbs in her diet.

Heart Baker leaned down so her complete lack of a nose was almost touching his very real one. "Give me your he~a~rt Your cute little artistic heart. I know you like me, you adorable pathetic loser. Maybe you'll enjoy what comes next."

Nathaniel raised his eyebrows.

Heart Baker winked. "Yeah, probably not."

And then her hands were in his chest.

His scream was all too brief before he ran out of air. The world went dark-

"Ooh! A tomato clafoutis! Yummy!"

And then she proceeded to eat it. He could hear her chewing, could feel her blunt little _teeth_ pressing on the void in his chest-

-his flesh and blood and bone crackled and hardened-

And then he felt nothing at all.

Heart Baker said, "Come on. We have more work to do."

Nathaniel obeyed. He rose and followed her out of his room.

As they walked, he heard her take a deep sniff of the air. "Mmmmm, I love the smell of fresh gingerbread."

* * *

"Plagg."

"Tikki."

And with that exchange completed, silence reigned within the little drawer with an iron fist and a comprehensive tax plan.

To avoid meeting the gaze of his counterpart, Plagg looked around. The drawer was open just a crack, letting in the light from Marinette's bedroom just enough to illuminate the folded sweater he was sitting on. It had a design on it, a face with a blond hair and a big smile, and underneath that were stitched the words, "FUTURE HUSBAND YAY."

Plagg couldn't help glancing back at Tikki, who shrugged and said, "At least she never wore it in public. This is Marinette's Doom Drawer. She puts things here that she won't throw out but would never admit to making. So, moving on to other matters..." Tikki trailed off without completing the sentence.

Uh, oh.

Tikki _never_ left a sentence incomplete. It went against the whole 'artificial spiritual expression of the creation force' thing. Either she was running low on sugar or-

A trap! Plagg had let himself be distracted by the Marinette's pathetic idea of a mating call, and now Tikki had drawn him into a conversation. But he wouldn't give in so easily! Sure, his inaction had kind of led to the cookie-girl going goo-goo in the gaga for Hawk Moth. And also Adrien figuring out that his forever-girl-in-magical-tights-seriously-Tikki-she's-fifteen-leave-a-little-room-in-the-seat was the girl who sometimes babbled bad Yiddish at him in class. But if Plagg didn't fess up, the Guardian wouldn't have anything more than speculation to go on. Adrien was a good kid, and wouldn't rat out a friend! Sure, Plagg might have to pay for it in Camembert, but at least he'd still be able to _eat_ afterward.

"Well." Plagg stood up. "Good talk. We should do this again sometime. Now, as you know I'm a very responsible kwami and my Cat Noir sounds like he's trying to turn himself inside out just by breathing, so-"

" _Plagg,_ " Tikki's voice cut in. "You can't get out of this. You know the rules. Not only has one of our Chosen been corrupted, but her identity has been compromised. The situation is dire, but until we know where to find her, we have time to handle our other duties."

Plagg backed away. "No, no, this really isn't necessary, I'm sure, and maybe some good old fashioned random searching will find your Chosen, so-"

"PLAGG YOU WILL GIVE ME A PERFORMANCE REVIEW RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME I WILL CUDDLE YOU IN FRONT OF ADRIEN!!"

"NO DON'T NOT THE CUDDLING NOT THE- wait, you want _me_ to give _you_ a performance review?!" This had to be a trick. Maybe Hawk Moth had corrupted Tikki, too, when he had tarted up Marinette. (As far as Plagg was concerned, a tart was a kind of pastry with filling. Marinette becoming an evil magical pastry chef was a natural situation in which to create a new colloquialism.) Maybe this was a sting operation from the Guardian to get Plagg to confess. Maybe Adrien was still mad about that thousand-dollar cheese order from Amazon and was playing a very insensitive practical joke. Maybe-

Tikki bowed her head. "I don't think there is anything I could have done to prevent this, but the fact remains that my Chosen is 'in the wind' right now."

Plagg waved the thought away. "Unless her farts are super nasty, I don't think Adrien will care that much. He's almost starting to get used to the smell of Camembert and-"

"What? No! I mean she's- it's human spy talk for Marinette being out there beyond our help with all of our security at risk! And standard operating procedure states that I need to be given a performance review by the investigating kwami." Tikki nodded at him. "That's you."

Plagg knew the procedures. He had spent enough time trying to circumvent them, after all, especially after that little _misunderstanding_ with the Chosen they now called 'Jack the Ripper.' But he was having trouble achieving the reversed perspective required to see _himself_ as the authority figure here. It was like trying to touch his tail with his tongue when there was a delicious piece of Camembert in front of him- physically possible but not even remotely realistic.

So he moved on to his fallback strategy- when in doubt, default to laziness.

"Well, uh, after considerable deliberation, I find the defendant not guilty. Hooray! Good job, Tikki!" Plagg held up a paw for a high-five.

Tikki left him hangin'. "Plagg, you didn't even ask any questions. And you're not allowed to deliver a verdict. You need to collect information for presentation to the Guardian. And you need to be very thorough in order to discover any possible fault in my performance."

Plagg frowned. "But back up there on the balcony you said none of this was your fault."

"And that's true. But you need to impartially collect the facts so that the Guardian can eventually agree with me."

"Oh." He was pretty sure it didn't work that way when Pollen was the one investigating things. But he had always suspected that Pollen had been railroading him. "Okay. Questions, huh?" Plagg thought back over this whole mess. What point wasn't he already clear on? (Besides most of it.) "Um, what was your girl trying to say up on the balcony? Before my guy tried to ruin her life by telling her to mate with the alter-ego he thought was in love with her?"

Tikki blinked. "Adrien thought 'Ladybug' was in love with Marinette? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

Plagg narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. "Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here! What are you hiding? Who else is in on it? I already have testimony from the others! The only way to save yourself is telling me the complete truth!"

Whoops, he was channeling a bit too much Pollen, there. Time to dial it back.

Tikki, thankfully, didn't seem to notice. She threw her arms up and said, "Marinette convinced herself that 'Cat Noir' was crushing on her. She perceived that as a threat to a potential romance with Adrien, so she tried to turn him down. And she was very good about it and tried to be gentle!"

Plagg blinked. "Wait. The cookie-girl thought that 'Cat Noir' is in love with her outside the tights? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard!"

Tikki nodded.

Huh, he had gotten to the bottom of things pretty quickly. He was the best kwami investigator ever! "Well, I think I have everything I need. I'll be sure to tell the Guardian the whole ridiculous thing. For now, I put you on parole to help us take out Marinette."

Tikki hopped over to him. "Thank you! Sugary drinks all around!"

"Cheese for everyone!"

They hugged. Since Adrien wasn't around, Plagg even cuddled a bit.

Then Tikki yanked herself away. "Wait. What do you mean by 'take out' Marinette?"

"Well I'm not going to buy her dinner. That's human spy talk for ending her pathetically brief mortal existence, most likely using some kind of violence."

Tikki smacked him. "You can't kill Marinette!"

Plagg retreated back over to the FUTURE HUSBAND YAY sweater and rubbed his head. "It's not like the world will miss someone who makes stupid stuff like this! Besides, she's in the wind. It's standard operating procedure."

"No it isn't!"

"No?"

"NO."

"Oh." Plagg shrugged. "Well, I never really paid attention to the human side of that stuff. I'll take your word for it."

Tikki's eye twitched, and she took a step forward-

"Now," Plagg said quickly, "we need to figure out what we're telling Adrien. And then what we're doing with the Chloe-fiend. Did you know she threw up on the Cat Noir suit?"

"Ew!"

"I know!"

* * *

It was decided that while Plagg recharged with some cheese stolen from the venerated Dupain-Chengs refrigerator, Tikki would make herself useful by applying her expertise to the teenage boy sitting on the floor in Marinette's bedroom having a nervous breakdown.

After all, she had so much experience talking a teenage girl out of spontaneously combusting. Boys had to be easier.

Right?

"Hello, Adrien." Tikki gave him her biggest, most reassuring smile. "I'm Tikki! I'm a demon who Marinette captured to do her homework for her."

Adrien stopped hyperventilating and turned to stare at her. "No, you're not. You're Ladybug's kwami! Marinette's-"

Tikki giggled. "Yes, you're right, of course. I thought a little humor would help. How are you feeling?"

Adrien looked down at his hands. "Stunned. Stupid. Awed. Humiliated. Guilty. Ecstatic. Terrified. And I think I need to pee."

"Okay, wow, you're very honest." Tikki, as expected, would have to use all her experience with handling teenage superheroes to deal with this. And she had lots of experience. Why, just her partnership with Paris of Troy alone offered so many applicable lessons, and this time she might even avoid a decade long war! "So you've realized that Ladybug is Marinette. And, logically, they can't actually be dating. Because they're the same person."

Adrien groaned and slumped back to sprawl on the floor. "I know! I just- well, it would make me feel a lot better if you told me that some magical glamour or something was in effect! I actually thought that Ladybug was _crushing_ on Marinette but they both look so alike-"

"Well, I'm not going to say there _isn't_ a glamour in effect." Tikki winked at him.

Adrien sighed with obvious relief.

He seemed to have missed that she hadn't actually confirm anything. Just like a human, really. Hopefully, it would work on Marinette, too.

Abruptly, Adrien sat up. "We need to save her! Marinette! Ladybug! Both!"

Tikki nodded. Trust a _boy_ to gravitate to the need for action, when given the chance to talk through his feelings. She had been counting on it, really. "Yes. And for that, we need a Cat Noir who can focus on what needs to be done, and not any little mistakes that might or might not have led to this situation. Can you do that?"

"Yes! For Ladybug! For Marinette!"

Oh, good. And Tikki didn't even have to imply that romance could be forthcoming for a job well done. That put Adrien in the top one percent of teenage male Black Cats, easily. But being the best of the best didn't guarantee _perfection_ \- "And you're not going to get distracted by your feelings for Ladybug, right?"

"No!" Adrien hopped to his feet. "If Ladybug's outrageously tight costume didn't distract me before now, a poofy skirt and a baker's hat isn't going to distract me now! For Ladybug! And Marinette!"

Tikki blinked. "That's not quite what I- wait, what do you mean outrageously tight? You're the one running around in-"

And then the trap-door on the other side of the room creaked as it started to lift-

Adrien hissed, "Claws out!"

And one moaning Plagg later, Tikki peeked from behind Cat Noir's left boot to see Tom and Sabine poking their heads into their daughter's room.

It was Sabine who said, "Where is our daughter and why are you yelling in her bedroom?"

Tikki raised her arms and started tapping against Cat Noir's heel in the pattern of the 'say you need to evacuate civilians because of an imminent danger' code. Surely, Plagg had taught him that one.

Cat Noir said, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-"

Tikki started to get a bad feeling about this.

Cat Noir said, "Marinette has been akumatized and I came here to look for clues to save her like-" He glanced around. "-her, uh, Adrien Agreste poster collection? _Wow,_ she has posters of m- uh, right, look for clues! Is- is that okay?"

Tikki smashed her head against Cat Noir's heel in a clear 'you moron' code. If there was _one_ emergency kwami tap-code that Plagg might have taught him, that was a pretty safe bet.

"Well, okay," Tom said. Tikki looked up in surprise. That had really worked?! Well, on the other hand, there was no actual magical glamours in place, and neither Tom nor Sabine had realized that Ladybug was her daughter even though they iced cookies with reproductions of the superhero's face every Friday.

Sabine added, "Take as much time as you need, but don't go in her Doom Drawer. Trust me on that one. Try to have my daughter back and purified before dinner!"

"Absolutely! Nice to see you both again! Thank you!"

Two departed parents and one closed trap-door later, Tikki sighed. "Now we need to figure out what to do with the Chloe-fiend."

"You call her the-"

* * *

Chloe had finally figured what was _really_ going on, and she wasn't happy about it.

A red-spotted fairy that hovered near a pair of earrings? Hidden on Marinette's balcony? With Cat Noir hanging out in Marinette's room so that he could talk to the fairy about 'something important please Chloe just wait up here on the balcony OW THAT WAS MY FOOT' where she couldn't eavesdrop? And now Cat Noir coming back up smelling like cheese and with a glazed thousand-kilometer-stare-thing going?

It was obvious.

There was only one possible conclusion.

Ladybug had been cheating on Chloe with _Marinette_ to the point where she was leaving her supersuit in the baker-spawn's home!

(And Cat Noir, the poor fool, realized that the Ladybug he spent so much time hitting on was buggy for the ladies. Surely, that wouldn't lead to good places.)

Well, okay, Chloe wasn't delusional. She was smart. She could separate facts from her own musings. Clearly, this _thing_ between Ladybug and Marinette had been going on for a while, and Chloe herself was technically the home-wrecking witch. But she had done it accidentally, and she was far too nice to be a witch, so really it was still all Ladybug and Marinette's fault.

Especially since Marinette's jealousy, discovering that her spotted lover was stepping out with Chloe, must have gotten her akumatized. These types of things were handled in court, not by accepting magical powers from a supervillain and bumping off the 'other woman.' Marinette was too unsophisticated to know that, surely.

And who knew how Hawk Moth played into this? Yes, _maybe_ he was just rounding out his akumatization of the rest of the class (right? Marinette was the last holdout? Or was there another-) but perhaps he had his own jealousy, his own betrayed feelings when he saw Chloe posting about her date with Ladybug! The guy _did_ disproportionately create monsters that targeted her, after all.

(The Ladyblog had once done a whole post on it. It was where Chloe had learned the world 'disproportionately.' Then she had sued Alya for libel.)

But, really, Chloe was just disappointed in herself. How could she have fallen for hussies like Ladybug and Marinette? Chloe wasn't _that_ type of girl! (Or so she thought. Admittedly, what with just discovering that she liked girls today and having only one date and kiss, she had what Alya might refer to as a 'low statistical sampling.' Chloe reminded herself to sue Alya again as soon as this blew over.) She should have higher standards!

Ladybug's apology was going to have to be _really_ good before she got a second date!

Chloe sealed her vow with a clutched fist and a righteous nod, and then realized that Cat Noir had emerged back up on Marinette's balcony and had been talking to her for a while. "What? Were you saying something? Something important, I mean."

Cat Noir sighed. "I was saying that Marinette is very, very, _very_ dangerous. And, for obvious reasons, we can't count on My Lady to save the day. In fact, we have to be the ones to save _her_ , this time around. We need to keep secret what we found here, protect the Ladybug Miraculous, and defeat Heart Baker."

Chloe nodded. She could handle that. She had no desire to broadcast how she'd been fooled by a hussy in spotted spandex, even if the fact that Ladybug left her spandex lying around in other people's homes was a major security concern. Ooh, Ladybug's apology would have to be epic before Chloe would even think about gracing those soft, sugary lips with the warm touch of her own beneath a twilight sky while a string quartet played in the background-

What was she thinking about again?

"So, I'm taking you somewhere safe," Cat Noir continued, "and you're going to hold onto the earrings for me. Okay?"

Chloe decided to focus on her favorite word in that sentence, 'safe,' and nodded. "Right. Sure. And what is this safe place?"

"According to- uh, the fairy, Marinette is after the hearts of people with romantic connections to her. So she has no reason to go to the most secure place in the entire city- Adrien Agreste's bedroom."

Chloe frowned. Romantic connections to Marinette? Adrikins?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yup, that checked out.

Adrien loved Chloe who was crushing on (but also kind of mad at) Marinette who loved Chloe and Ladybug both and Ladybug loved Chloe and Chloe loved Ladybug, and Adrien was safe by at least one degree from any of that. Sure, Marinette sometimes got hormonal around Adrien, but he was Adrien Flippin' Agreste. He could get dead people hormonal just by smiling shyly at them from across the city. Naturally, if Marinette was seducing Ladybug so thoroughly, she didn't really have any strong feelings for Adrien.

Chloe would be absolutely safe with Ladybug's fairy and earrings by hiding in Adrien's bedroom. And she might even get to hang out with Adrien and finally settle this tawdry love-triangle while Cat Noir did all the grunt work.

Chloe smiled. Everything was going to be just fine.

Cat Noir had to catch her to keep her from getting blown over the balcony's railing at the strength of the 'dramatic irony gust' that shook the bakery at just that moment.

At least he was good for something, besides dropping her off with her Adrikins.


	9. Vibe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heart Baker's been playing a different game than everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bonus chapter at the end of the story that takes place before this one, if you want to read events in order. Jump to Chapter 13 and then back here.

Nino's DJ-sense was tingling.

This did not, as much as he would have enjoyed it, mean he could sense when someone was laying down some sick beats in the vicinity. Nor did it let him find fellow masters of the turntable like some kind of Awesome Person radar, or even let him detect when someone had a really great playlist on his or her phone. No, this was something more fundamental. A DJ needed to feel the mood, to keep track of the current beat, to know when to speed things up or slow things down. Use the waveforms, Luke.

So, basically, what a DJ-sense did was make him really, really good at reading the room. Now, he was doing his homework alone in his familiar bedroom-slash-audio-visual-studio, so in this case it wasn't about _literally_ reading the room or otherwise he would actually understand what his Physics textbook was failing to explain to him. No, right now, it was in the form of that prickly feeling on the back of the scalp that always came when the world was about to go down in flames.

(In this case, DJ-sense was kind of like spider-sense, except no one had to get bitten by a radioactive venomous arachnid followed shortly by getting sued by a multi-national entertainment corporation. Since Nino had a _thing_ about spiders and corporate overlords both, he found this to be a pretty sweet deal.)

Fortunately, he had a playlist for that. He queued it up on his phone and propped the device up on his desk. Then he sat back in his chair and spun around as he tried to discern the nature of the coming doom, as one does.

So, what was wrong?

Well, Paris was under regular attack by a supervillain who liked purple butterflies. That was always a concern, of course, but hardly world-ending unless the dynamic had somehow changed. And Nino was fairly sure that if Ladybug and Cat Noir were engaged in the final do-or-die, fate-of-the-world-at-stake, third-movie-in-the-trilogy battle, his girlfriend would have been live-blogging it. And also texting him constantly to get online and join the chatroom if he wanted to be a supportive boyfriend.

So no, he was fairly sure that the swarms of Hell weren't about to descend on the city quite yet.

But what else could be wrong? Some teacher could have just gotten an idea for a project with randomly assigned groups. Chloe might have hit upon an actual working scheme to turn Paris into a breakaway nation with herself as dictator for life. Google might have finally released a mind-reading plugin that would detect how users _really_ felt about 'Ladynoir' and would automatically add those thoughts to the comments field.

But no, Nino felt that he was probably safe from all that for at least the next twenty-four hours.

So it was probably about Adrien.

Nino had last seen his best bud running off on a daring quest to win true love or at least permission to date. (Nino was still fuzzy on the details, such as how all the cheese fit into things.) Nino suspected that the root of the problem was Adrien's father, and not just for the usual Freudian reasons. Adrien was one of the nicest, brightest people who Nino had ever encountered, and just to prove that the universe liked a balance, Gabriel Agreste was a light-sucking black hole of anti-niceness who thought that the world would be a better place without all this 'humanity' crap in it.

So yeah, if the world was ending, it probably had to do with Adrien's dad.

And Adrien was Nino's best bud.

Nino knew what he had to do.

He took his phone, paused the 'End of the World Yeaaaah Baby' playlist, and called Adrien.

The phone rang.

The phone rang some more.

Ring-ring, ring-ring.

Hm, that wasn't a bad beat-

Click.

"I'm sorry," a computer-lady finally answered, "but the voice-mail of 'HI THIS IS ADRIEN AND I-' is full. Please try again later. Thank you."

Full? How does a personal voice-mail get full?

Nino unpaused his music and started composing an eloquent text: 'd00d ur msgs r full lolwut how it g0 w luv stuf?' For good measure, he sent a follow-up message: 'd00d'

He had just hit SEND, his head bobbing to the tune of how 'the world will turn to flowing pink vapor stew,' when Marinette said, "I really like pink, but don't you have something a little more _romantic?_ "

Nino looked up. A second ago he had been alone in his room, but now leaning against his desk was something that looked like an acid-fueled (not that Nino had ever taken acid; he was into that whole body-as-a-temple-except-for-when-I-want-McDonalds thing) re-creation of Marinette's four-minute Goth phase from back in fifth grade.

He sent another quick message: 'nvm m tots went akuma wut did you d00’

And there was no doubt that she was an akuma, which hurt Nino because he considered her an important friend. Also he couldn't help but be a bit jealous that here was yet _another_ of Hawk Moth's minions with a better look than The Bubbler. Baker look, black and pink colors, black embroidery that morphed between croissants and leering skulls, bright Ladybug cookie belt buckle (um?), ivory skin, and a freaky shadow void mask- it wouldn't be winning any awards, but it had a theme and managed to be kind of scary. Meanwhile, Nino's own girlfriend's blog still listed him as the least stylish akuma, and a part of him was really hurt by that.

But, most importantly, Nino had found his answer to the question of the status of Adrien's love life. Either Marinette _really_ didn't go for how Adrien was proposing they use all that cheese, or Adrien's complicated life had predictably complicated things.

From his spot on the floor, Nino said, "So, what's your code name or whatever?"

He was rewarded with a smile that was pure bleached sugar. "Heart Baker! And thank you for asking. Everyone calls me 'Marinette' at first but that is _not_ my name. It's really inconsiderate."

"I get you." Nino decided to risk getting to his feet. "So, um, hi?"

Heart Baker gave a little curtsy. "It's my pleasure to be here." Then she started pacing in a slow circle around him. "You're being very calm about having a _monster_ in your room. And I _am _a monster, you know."__

Nino gave a half-shrug. "Like, all of our class (but Adrien) has been akumatized. I run across supervillains while waiting in line to buy lunch every other day. As long as you're being nice, I'll keep it cool."

"Niiii~iiiice," cooed Heart Baker. She hugged herself and gave a little squirm that shouldn't have been possible for someone with a rigid skeleton. "I'm very nice, aren't I?"

That's when Nino's lamps started blinking on and off. The blinds on the windows were closed against the night sky, so this had the effect of making all of reality came and go with the light. It was a full strobe effect, which Nino was quite familiar with, except instead of clubbing dancers, the flashes were revealing disconnected glimpses of Heart Baker's continued circling.

Somehow, her expression was changing with every strobe- smiles, kissy faces, awkward tongue motions, etc. Only her eyes, blue glows in the darkness of the heart-void of her face, remained consistently visible as the lights flickered and her expressions flipped from flirtatious face to flirtatious face.

Except every so often she'd be grinning with a mouthful of needle-teeth and that didn't seem flirty _at all._

Nino decided that maybe she wasn't a very nice akuma. He started edging towards the door.

That's when his phone started playing music again, except instead of any of the jams he had loaded, it sounded like an old record-player broadcasting a tinny version of Marinette's voice repeating, "What are little girls made of? Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice. That's what little girls are made of."

Heart Baker shifted her stalking to cut Nino off from the door and shook a finger at him coquettishly.

Nino backed away and gulped _croak_ etishly. His retreat was quickly sabotaged by what should have been the most reliable ally a teenager could count on: a bedroom wall.

"Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice," his phone continued to sing in Marinette's faded voice.

Heart Baker stepped forward, twiddling her fingers together in an artificial mockery of the nervousness she usually showed around Adrien. "Nino. Will you give me your heart? It would really make me oh so happy."

What?

Was she-

Was she _coming onto him?!_

The strobing light revealed another quick razor-tooth smile.

But despite it all, Nino found himself saying, "I- I- I'm- um, flattered, y- you know, but I- I have a girlfriend. Sorry."

His phone continued chanting, "What are little girls made of? Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice!" It was, Nino was realizing, a fairly repetitive little nursery rhyme.

And then the carpet under his feet started sliding towards the spooky akuma girl.

Nino did his best Moonwalk impression, but he wasn't the King of Pop. He wasn't even a Viscount of Pop. If anything, he was an Illiterate Tenant Farmer of Pop With a Sick Cow And Four Missing Chickens. He stumbled as the carpet slipped away, smacked against the wall behind him, and slid down to the floor.

Heart Baker stepped smoothly over the last of the carpet, which then burst into smoke behind her that became a swarm of screeching bats. (After a moment of providing Heart Baker with an epic background, the bats decided to knock off early and get a drink.) Then she crouched down and put her hands on the floor and now she was _crawling_ towards Nino. "Your 'girlfriend' isn't here right now, is she? You were all alone until I came into your life."

Nino scoot-slid along the wall towards the door. "I was actually in the middle of doing my homework, if you want to know. Maybe you could let me finish my Physics and _then_ you can bake me into a pie or whatever it is you do?"

"Physics? Not-" Heart Baker crawled closer, and Nino had to shift his legs away to keep her from touching him. "-chemistry?"

"..............nnnnnno, no chem homework tonight. Just physics. Oh, and history, but I 'forgot' that book in my locker."

"Aw, are you sure?" She continued crawling. "I was making a play on words with 'chemistry.' See, it also means-"

"Explaining the joke does not make it funny!" Nino practically sit-hopped out of the way of her next attempted grope. "I'm in a relationship right now, thank you, and I don't appreciate this!"

"But you liked someone else, first. Didn't you? A cute little thing with blue eyes and pigtails. Alya was just your consolation prize. We all know which girl really lives in your f~antasies."

Ah.

That.

Okay, yes, that was a thing that had happened. Nino had been new to the strange, wild world that was the front of the classroom, having previously lurked in the back where the power of good headphones and iTunes could protect him from attention and the grading curve alike. But this year he had been called forward to the front row, just one famous blond model boy's worth of a diagonal away from where Marinette wound up sitting. They had been in classes together for years, and he had joined most of the male population of the student body in appreciating Marinette's student body, but this year she had somehow acquired a new kind of fire, and Nino had a (literal) front-row seat to the spectacle.

So yeah, Nino had started crushing on her in short order.

But that was then, before a disastrous date to the zoo. (What a good thing everyone involved had learned their lessons about assumptions and poor communication, and would never let that kind of thing cause trouble again!) Before a supervillain whose activities included morphing into an angry dinosaur. Before two hours spent locked in a cage alone with Alya.

According to the 'How To Survive An Akuma Encounter FAQ' on the Ladyblog, written by Nino's girlfriend herself, the most dangerous thing he could do right now was get the akumatized rampager mad at him. And yet Nino felt compelled to say, "No, I'm totally over you. I'm really into Alya, now. We have a vibe, you know?"

Heart Baker frowned. "But when it comes to which girl you find prettier - which girl you like to ima~gine - there's only one winner."

Nino nodded. "Alya."

"You never wonder," Heart Baker purred, "what I'd look like in an itsy bitsy bathing suit?"

"...our parents have belonged to the same swim club since we were five. I've seen all your bathing suits. And all your sandals. And that ratty pink towel you won't throw away because you like the cartoon cat sewn into it."

"You never eye me in the hallway?" Heart Baker was scowling now. "Even when I'm wearing shorts?"

"I'd be side-eyeing pretty hard now but I'm still doing a terrified stare so you'll have to wait on that."

Heart Baker smacked the floor right by his knee. "We all know you love my excited little butt-wiggle! You _look!_ Admit it! I've seen you!"

"Well, yeah." The thought finally brought a smirk to Nino's face. "Alya and I agree that we could both appreciate the sight and still be in a happy relationship together."

Heart Baker's jaw dropped.

Nino and Alya had been locked up in that cage together for hours, and of course ~~Chloe~~ some people liked to insinuate tawdry things about how they emerged with newfound interest in each other, but Nino knew the truth. What had happened in that cage was that Alya eventually got bothered by the silence, Nino was too embarrassed about everything to hold much of a conversation, and so Alya had _started singing._ She hadn't been very good, and her repertoire was an unholy mix of the Billboard Top Ten and Disney musicals, but she _sang_ , and she _did it with passion._ And then after an hour she'd gotten frustrated and started kicking the door. Again. And Nino had thought, _Oh, that's where Marinette learned how to do it._ And he'd never looked back. He blushed now at the very thought of that first vision of Alya's true fire.

So he shrugged at Heart Baker's shock. "Hey, what can I say? All's fair in love and akumas."

And that's when Nino yanked her floppy chef's hat down over her face, shoved her away, and dashed for the door.

He couldn't help throwing out a, "Yoink," as he left her in his dust. The classics had to be respected.

Too bad he opened his bedroom door to find another monster blocking the way out.

The figure in the doorway was as tall as him and shaped suspiciously like Nathaniel from school, but that's where its similarities to a human being ended. The dark, crispy, porous, cookie-like material that made up the whole of the creature was decidedly not human, unless Paris was becoming even more diverse than Nino thought.

The smell of gingerbread filled the air.

The worst part of the creature was its face. The details would have been lost to the flat brown cookie coloring had they not been highlighted with white frosting. That made it all too easy to see the expression of terrified, silent screaming that was frozen on gingerbread-Nathaniel's face.

The creature grabbed for Nino.

He shrieked like a girl, ducked like a duck, and dodged a deejay.

Heart Baker called out, "Oo~ooh, he's running." She sounded far too excited about it, and in all the wrong ways. "I knew _you_ wouldn't let me down!"

It was said that when life closed a door, it also opened a window. Nino didn't know about that, nor whether horrible uncanny-value cookie-monsters counted, but he nevertheless ran over to the closest window. He threw aside the blinds as he heard a crunching sound approaching like an overdone cookie being chewed-

Nino yanked open the window and jump-crawled his way through it. Thankfully, the fire-escape just outside was considerate enough to break his fall. Too bad the fire-escape didn't warn him about the three more gingerbread monsters waiting in the alley below, all of them with frosted fear frozen on their faces.

They were standing to cut off his access to the street.

Nino wondered how many horror movies Marinette had been watching, because she was _on point._

Sadly, he couldn't take any comfort in the genre-homage that was his terrified fleeing. He tore down alleyways, empty side streets, climbed over at least one garbage dumpster, and somehow parkour'd his way over a brick wall (alas that no one was standing by taking a video). Every time he thought he'd soon make it to a major thoroughfare or apartment building or park or _something_ with _people_ who could maybe _help_ , he encountered a set of lunging, crunching Gingerbread Boys who blocked his way. He began to suspect that Heart Baker was playing with him-

-when he stumbled out from between two dark buildings into a cul-de-sac. And right in front of him was a house that shone with light and warmth and human presence, not to mention a neon sign that proclaimed, 'GENUINE CHINESE MASSAGE VERY GOOD FOR HEALTH 2-FOR-1 SPECIAL CUSTOMERS MUST BE OVER 18 (IT'S A LEGAL THING)'.

Nino had enough time to laugh with relief when Heart Baker tackled him from behind to send them both rolling and tumbling and crashing right through the front door of the massage parlor.

Ow.

Somehow, he'd managed to hold on to his glasses, although they were just barely hanging on, somewhat like his sanity. He pushed them back into place to find Heart Baker standing over him in a hallway foyer, glancing around the place with utter delight. "Nino, look! What a lovely massage parlor I have randomly happened to tumble into with no planning or deliberate action on my part!"

Nino frowned. He wouldn't have thought Marinette this likely to be wowed by tasteful Asian-inspired decor. She saw enough of it, after all.

And for some reason, she no longer seemed to care about him. She stepped away, pushing open the nearest door to reveal what seemed to be a massage room. A professional part of Nino's mind noticed the gramophone in the corner, while the rest of his mind was saying, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU FOOL?! RUN NOW WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME AND DO YOU THINK WHOEVER LIVES HERE WILL SELL US THE GRAMOPHONE!!!!!!!!'

But Nino had barely gotten to his feet when more Gingerbread boys showed up to block the exit, the jerks. And yet they weren't attacking-

Heart Baker looked back at Nino, _winked,_ and called out, "Whoever lives or works here, I feel like it's only fair to warn you that I'm a magical terrorist who eats hearts! I'm _really_ scary. And also heckuva hot! I have this 'evil baker' theme going because _my parents are bakers_. I guess I'm very _lucky_ that way!"

Nino frowned. "Did you hit your head in that tackle? Should I hit your head again to defeat you? I need a clue because I'm a little lost."

Heart Baker held up a finger in front of her lips.

It wasn't even the slightest bit teasing or erotic. It was a genuine Shhhhh'ing. Nino had just been Shh'd by a Marinette-monster.

Then a door on the far side of the massage room burst open to reveal a little old Chinese man in a terrible floral-print shirt. He was carrying a clay pot of something, with reassuringly mysterious Chinese characters painted on the side.

The man took one look at Marinette and nodded. "I will free you from evil."

Then he flung the pot's purple, viscous contents at Heart Baker.

They landed on the akuma girl with a splat.

Nino lacked all context for the weird fever-dream he had stumbled onto. He glanced back at the Gingerbread Boys, Nathaniel and someone with a vaguely-familiar little soulpatch frosted on its chin. Gingerbread Nathaniel shook its head at him.

Meanwhile, Heart Baker was standing in the center of the massage room with weird slime all over her, holding her hands away from her body. "Why am I dripping with goo?"

Nino felt a little relief that she was just as confused as he was.

* * *

Hawk Moth tapped at the side of his mask. "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me? ...can you hear me but you're on mute so I can't hear you? Heart Baker?"

He scowled. Sure, just when his creepy little minion was about to get the last of the power she needed, _something_ had happened. It wasn't that Heart Baker had been defeated; he'd have felt that. This was just a cessation. He'd never lost his ability to see and hear through his akuma before. He'd barely gotten a glimpse of that random old man before-

He frowned. "Dark wings, fold."

And so Hawk Moth went away, leaving just the human beneath and the kwami who powered him. "Yes, master?"

"Nooroo, what is going on?"

The kwami's doleful eyes sharpened, just a little. "Do you want the truth, master?"

"I always want the truth."

Nooroo's wings fluttered. "You've crossed a threshold that has been a long time coming."

"What? What do you mean? What did I do? Was it the stir-fry I had for dinner? It did taste a little funny-"

"No, master. It's the girl. And what it is you've done-"

"........yes?" He felt a little bit of a chill, the remnants of the cool 'dramatic-irony winds' that had been getting in through the cracks in the lair _all evening._

Nooroo blinked. "You done screwed yourself, pops."

* * *

In the random massage parlor of the slime-throwing old Chinese man, an epic confrontation was taking place.

And Nino was getting the sense that he was missing some context.

The old man pointed at Heart Baker. "That concoction channels positive energy. It has blocked Hawk Moth's ability to see through your eyes and hear through your ears. The secrets of this place are now protected from him. We can work on restoring you to your proper form."

Nino felt like he had stumbled from one genre-flick to another. When did the weird Horror Thriller that had been his evening, up to now, become Cheap Urban Fantasy With Exploitative References To Vague Chinese Mysticism?

Heart Baker snorted. "I was expecting a magic net woven from yak hair or an amulet or a helmet or something." She burst into laughter. "Still, I _knew_ I could count on you, Master Fu!" She ran her hands over her head and face, spreading the purple jelly-stuff that already seemed to be drying on her and her clothes.

The embroidered skulls now looked like they were stained with blood, which would no doubt please what remained of Marinette's preference to consistency.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to have my Gingerbread Boy army hit you with sticks and burn this place to the ground. Okay? Chuu~!!" And then she was suddenly standing in front of Nino again without any transition or motion. "But first we have to take care of you." She grabbed his neck as the two Gingerbread boys ran past them towards the old Chinese guy.

(There was a call of something like "Wayzz" which Nino could only presume was Chinese for, "Hey, what's up, Gingerbread monsters?")

"So," Heart Baker said, "since you were so helpful. I'm going to be gen~tle with you."

Nino gulped. "Really?"

She shoved him against the wall and pressed herself against him. "No."

Her hands snaked in between them, and then they moved and her fingers were cold _in his lungs_ and the air was freezing solid where she explored.

Heart Baker scowled. "That's weird. Your heart is harder to find than the others."

Nino tried to say something snappy and defiant, but the closest he could manage was an impression of a goldfish dying on dry land, so he went with that.

"Ah," Heart Baker squealed cutely. "There it is! Oh, but it's so slippery! Why won't you give me your heart, Nino?"

If she needed to be told, she'd never really know.

It made Nino a little sad for his friend.

She laid her head on his shoulder as she continued to dig. "I think I have it, now. I just need to pull it out slowly. Carefully. Can you feel yourself dying? You're getting so cold. I'm going to have to bake you for an extra-long time. Ahhh~~~ Here! It! Comes!"

And suddenly Nino was filled with emptiness so deep that he was completely lost within himself.

At least Heart Baker's cold fingers were no longer in his chest. And there was real warmth in her voice when she said, "Is this a chebakia?! I've always wanted to try one! Nino, you're the best friend who ever lusted for me!"

That was no consolation when she started chewing.


	10. Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wayzz sets the kids straight.

Wayzz had never before regretted devoting himself to the way of pacifism. Granted, he usually relied on his Chosen to actually clobber people-

He hovered in front of his injured master and held up a hand. "I warn you. If you proceed to walk the path of violence, your life will be forever stained with its consequences." There! That was probably close enough to a threat - without actually promising anything, so clever - that the attackers would back off.

 ~~Marinette's~~ Heart Baker's two Gingerbread Boys stared at him. Their frozen, icing-drawn expression appeared terrified, which made Wayzz feel a little better, even if they always looked like that.

Despite their apparent terror, they raised the broken bits of furniture that they had been using as weapons.

Behind Wayzz, Master Fu gave a groan that was half 'Ow, I have been hit many times with sticks and I probably have broken bones' and half 'I really threw out my back when I punched that one assailant in his stupid face.' After nearly two hundred years, the Turtle Kwami had gotten to know his master's cries of pain quite well.

Wayzz held his position between the monsters and his human. "You're not going to go away peacefully, are you?"

"Are you kicking me out, little kwami?" Heart Baker stepped back into the room, followed by a third Gingerbread Boy who bore a strong resemblance to the bespectacled lad she had chased here to Master Fu's parlor. Now that her latest victim had been turned into a gingerbread-monster, Wayzz noticed that Heart Baker was no longer sashaying or even smiling. She was all business. "Well, before I go- Nino, do you know what would make me oh so very happy? If you steal that gramophone and throw it in the Seine somewhere. Everyone else, how about we burn this place to the ground? That sounds fun!"

Wayzz tried to zip over to the gramophone, intent on somehow protecting the hiding place for the dormant Miraculouses (he figured the details could be worked out as he went), but he was smacked out of the air by something hard, wooden, and altogether very similar to the leg of the chair in the waiting room.

Wayzz shook his head and looked up from the ground. Ah, it _was_ a chair leg, and a Gingerbread Boy had swung it. It had been an ugly chair, anyway.

The Gingerbreads raised their sticks again-

-the third ran out of the building with the gramophone-

-the wind whistled against the swinging sticks-

-Wayzz cringed-

-and Cat Noir crashed through the window in a flying leap and tackled the two Gingerbread Boys to the ground.

"Hooray!" said Wayzz.

"Ooh, so much lea~ther," cooed Heart Baker, but she made no move to intervene.

Cat Noir back-flipped off the Gingerbread Boys and grinned. "I didn't know that akumas could have the power to raise the _bread._ " He deployed his staff and fended off the Gingerbread Boys' retaliation, then swept their legs out from under them and batted them straight out of their airborne tumbling through the broken window. "I guess you guys are good _roll_ models for villains everywhere." 

Wayzz's enthusiasm was immediately sucked down into the black hole of the boy's punning and crushed into an infinitely small mass. No wonder Master Fu never invited this moron over.

Oh! The Master!

Wayzz flew down to where Fu was curled up on the floor. "Master, are you okay? Do you require Eastern Medicine? Or perhaps some Western Medicine? Or some tea?"

Master Fu opened his eyes with what seemed to be some effort. "Wayzz. That- that was worst beating I've had since the last soccer game we attended. "

"Yes, master. They are worse than hooligans."

"The akumatized Marinette ordered her minions to beat me."

"Yes, master. She is being very rude."

Master Fu gave a little snort, and then winced. "I am too injured to fight. Please, help Cat Noir. Hawk Moth cannot advise Marinette or spy through her now, but she is still infected with Evil. And I shudder to think what she has done with the Ladybug Miraculous-"

"Oh!" Wayzz saw a way to be helpful! How fortunate! "I can find out about that for you! Wait here!" He zoomed around-

-just in time to see a giant spotted-iced-cookie-buzzsaw clash against a silver staff.

Oh. Right. Superhero fight. That was a thing happening in his house.

Sparks flew as the evil buzzsaw tried and failed to cut through Cat Noir's righteous staff, lighting up the faces of the warrior teenagers. They held onto their weapons, fighting for dominance against each other, neither one yielding.

Oh!

Sparks!

The humans were attracted to each other, which is often described in metaphor as 'sparks flying!' Wayzz had thought of a pun! What fun! He would have to tell the master later. He was sure it would provide much amusement once no lives were in danger.

For now, Wayzz had a mission. He floated over right next to Heart Baker, just out of reach of the sparks (ha, such a clever play on words!) and said, "Excuse me. Could you tell me what happened to the Ladybug Miraculous? The Guardian is worried."

Cat Noir looked at him with wide eyes! "You- _yikes!_ " He ducked to avoid a swipe of Heart Baker's buzzsaw. "You _are_ a kwami! Um, you can tell 'the Guardian' (because apparently I don't get to know this stuff) that it's safe!"

Heart Baker froze in the middle of setting up another attempt to decapitate Cat Noir. "It is?"

Cat Noir actually brushed a hand through his hair nervously. "Yeah. Um, sorry, My Lady. But those earrings just don't go with your costume right now."

Heart Baker cocked a hip. "Thank you for noticing. But, uh, you found them?"

"Well, I had some help, but yes. The flower pot, right?"

Heart Baker blinked. Then a slow smirk crawled across her face. " _Kitty,_ I never thought you bold enough to search a lady's _private_ things. What _else_ did you _paw_ through?"

Cat Noir blushed.

Wayzz wondered if the 'paw' counted as a pun.

Then Heart Baker sprang forward with an "Ah~a," sending Wayzz bobbing on the ether-currents, and pressed her free hand against Cat Noir's chest. "Give me your heart, little kitten."

"Noooooo!" Cat Noir stumbled backwards, but Heart Baker stayed with him clutching the bell on his collar.

Wayzz righted his tumble-

-too late-

-her smirk became a toothy grin as she pressed with her hand and-

-something went POP and she bounced back a few steps. "Ow. What was that?"

Wayzz looked at the bit of smoke wafting away from where she had just been touching Cat Noir. "Ah, I understand! The suit protected him. How fortunate!"

Cat Noir sagged in relief.

And Heart Baker, amazingly, giggled. "I can think of, like, thirty-seven different lewd jokes to make right now."

Cat Noir gave a laugh. "I know, right? Protection." His cheeks started growing red.

Heart Baker didn't seem to be able to top giggling. "And performance."

"Stamina." Cat Noir was giggling now, too. "I can't believe I'm making these kinds of jokes with you."

"Silly kitty!" She gasped. "Oh, shooting blanks!"

"Ooh, good one! And-"

Wayzz left them to their off-color humor and flew over to Fu. "Master! Cat Noir says that the Ladybug Miraculous is safe! Also, the children seem to be flirting, despite the situation. I strongly suspect this is not a new thing for them."

The master forced his eyes open again. "And what about the Black Cat Miraculous?"

Wayzz was brought up short. "Isn't Cat Noir wearing it?"

"Yes, Wayzz. And is Cat Noir safe right now?"

Oh. Wayzz turned around to check on the two giggling magical warriors.

Except it seemed that they had finished their giggling exchange of bad sex jokes and were now both on the floor, Cat Noir kicking frantically while Heart Baker pinned him and clumsily unzipped the front of his costume.

Wayzz turned back to Master Fu. "The situation seems it has begun to go poorly, master. I shall try to render assistance. Please wait here and try not to die."

He flew back over to the battle, zooming to Heart Baker's face, right in front of the heart-shaped void out of which her blue eyes were shining. "Young lady! Please stop this!"

Heart Baker glanced at him, and Cat Noir used the opportunity to twist enough to yank his zipper out of her grasp. Heart Baker grabbed for it again as she said, "H~i, Wayzz. How's it- (Ow, don't kick me there!) How's it going? Do you (Stop squirming, kit~ten!) have something to say?"

"I do!" He summoned his most stern glare. "If you take your partner's heart and Miraculous, Tikki will be most disappointed in you, not to mention your parents. Consider _that._ "

"Okay." Heart Baker closed her eyes for a moment, and then flashed the kind of smile that usually took a pack of wolves and a spare saber-tooth tiger. "All done!"

And with a triumphant laugh, she gave one last yank at the zipper and exposed Cat Noir's full, smooth chest. (Wayzz wondered if he waxed.) She grasped towards his heart, but the boy curled his legs and shoved his knees into her stomach.

Heart Baker grunted, but she was she was not thrown off. Her hand was just short of Cat Noir's chest.

Oh, dear. If trying to invoke The Shame Of Tikki had failed, then truly this girl's soul was forever tarnished. Wayzz had once seen Tikki guilt Genghis Kahn into writing a letter to his mother, and that was _while_ he was under the influence of The Feared Fritillary. Poor Marinette. They'd probably have to kill her, stake her heart, and bury her head several kilometers away from her body. So messy.

But for now, she seemed to be winning.

Wayzz slid himself right underneath that reaching evil hand and propped himself like a nude god holding up a globe, except he was of course wearing his shell, so unlike most gods and all the other kwami, he was not at all naked. (Except to other turtles, but of course that didn't count.)

Heart Baker growled. "Hn- can't quite- you know, there are lots more fun things we can all be doing. Would you boys back down if I offered kisses?"

Cat Noir looked up at her. "Marinette, I- I don't suppose I could say something really sweet and compelling that could get you to shrug off the akuma's influence because of your pure heart and boundless love?"

"My name is Heart Baker." She stuck her tongue out at him. "And if it's boundless love you want, how about you give me your heart and your Miraculous?"

Cat Noir sighed. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

Heart Baker relented a little, allowing Wayzz to stand up straighter as he pushed her hand back. She said, "If you give me your heart, Mr Shredded, I'll let you call me whatever you want. After all, you have _double_ the love for me as everyone else, right?"

"Um," Cat Noir said, "what?"

Wayzz looked up at her. "I, too, am confused? Is that more ribald humor? Tikki will be so disappointed."

"What?" Heart Baker snorted. "No! I'm talking about how Mister Cute Kitty Butt here will chase anything with a pair of pigtails!"

Wayzz glanced back at Cat Noir, who shrugged as best he could while holding up a feral magical baker girl. "I have no idea what you're talking about, My Lady. I'd like you even if you went bald."

"Oh, sure, that's why you've been stalking 'Marinette' and peeping at me!"

Wayzz gasped. "You peeped?! That is a true abuse of-"

" _No,_ " Cat Noir gasped. "No, no, no no no no no! All my stalking was purely for public observation! I peeped on no one! Well, except for Chloe, but it was an accident, and she should _really_ close her shades when she's cosplaying."

Heart Baker shuddered. "I'll give you that one. But just because you didn't peep doesn't justify love-sick stalking!"

"I didn't!"

Wayzz pushed Heart Baker's hand up a little higher and arched a hairless eyebrow at the boy.

Cat Noir nodded. "Seriously! No love-sick stalking! I was following Marinette because I was trying to protect her and figure her out!"

"Yeah, sure." Heart Baker lunged as she spoke, putting more pressure on Wayzz. "Like there's some big mystery."

Wayzz nodded. "I think the 'peeping' theory is the most likely."

"And going to Adrien," Heat Baker continued, her voice trembling a little, "and getting him to break my heart! Why did you do that, you worthless stray? Did you want me for yourself?! Were you going to show up in your tight, tight leather and try to console me after I said I wanted to stay friends?!"

"No, I-"

"Did you want _Adrien_ for yourself?" Heart Baker made a little choking sound. "That's sooo~ hot!"

Cat Noir snarled. " _I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT LADYBUG FALLING IN LOVE WITH MARINETTE INSTEAD OF ME!!_ "

Wayzz needed a moment to process that. "But- Marinette _is_ Ladybug."

"Well, yeah, sure, I know that _now._ "

Heart Baker groaned. "Oh my akuma, are you friggin' serious?! You thought- but- I- she- they- _WHY?!_ "

Wayzz had to agree. This was the dumbest thing he had ever heard, and he had been watching TV for five whole years now.

Cat Noir scowled. "You know what? Forget it. I'm not talking about this with _you._ You're an evil baker who's turning boys into gingerbread minions! (Thanks for leaving a freshly baked scent-trail from Nino's place, by the way.) You want to dive into the complicated dynamics of my relationship with My Lady, you can stop trying to rip my heart out of its chest! So there!"

Wayzz was disappointed, but the boy had a point. Arguing with an akuma was futile.

Heart Baker, surprisingly, seemed to agree. She hummed for a moment, and then nodded. "Yeah. That's fair. And, honestly? I was just chatting you up to get into your suit, anyway."

And then she stopped straining. She pulled her hand away and sat back.

And with nothing holding him down, Wayzz went zooming up like a rocket to smack into the ceiling.

_Ow._

Fortunately, he had a good shell.

Unfortunately, his shell was stuck in the plaster.

Disastrously, he had a bird's eye view as Heart Baker reached into Cat Noir's unprotected chest. "You're so warm, kiii~iiitty. You must have a looooot of love in there. Will you give me your heart?"

"Guh," said Cat Noir.

Wayzz strained his flying powers, but all he could do was rock back and forth in his crater.

"Erk," said Cat Noir.

Wayzz looked for his master, but Fu was still curled up with his injuries.

"Ulp," said Cat Noir, "hhhh......"

And then Heart Baker was standing up with a small wedding cake in her hands. It was three tiers and pure white, with little Ladybug and Cat Noir figures standing at the top under an arch made of purple butterflies.

And Heart Baker actually seemed subdued as she gazed at it. "Oh, kitty."

"..." said Cat Noir.

Heart Baker sniffled. "I knew you wanted me, but- but this- _oh, kitty._ "

"..." said Cat Noir.

Wayzz could see the glistening black tears that fell from Heart Baker's glowing, floating eyes. They smoked as they splashed on the floor.

"Yes," she breathed. "Yes. I accept your heart, and everything it means. I do!" She sank to her knees besides the dying hero.

Wayzz called out, "Help!"

"..." said Cat Noir.

Then Heart Baker smashed her face into the cake, and Wayzz could hear the wet sounds of gluttonous consumption.

"..." said Cat Noir.

Then he said nothing.

Heart Baker stood up again, the cake gone, except for the frosting smeared all around her grinning mouth. She moved over to Cat Noir's still body and sat down on him, then touched her chin with a finger, scooping up some of the frosting. Wayzz could only watch as she used it to draw a heart on the boy's slack face.

"I love you, Cat Noir. Come find me, once you're done bak~ing. There's one more heart I want to take personally, and then we'll go find my earrings. And then- and then I'll never be without love again. I will have it all." She reached for Cat Noir's hand-

-the one with the _ring_ on it-

"No," Wayzz moaned.

She slid the Black Cat Miraculous off his finger. "With this ring, I thee wed, my brave black kitty with the cute butt. Kitty, kitty, kitt~eh." She put it on her own hand, giggled, and held it to her chest. "This is the happiest day of my life!"

And then in a flash of pink light and splattered whipped cream, she was gone.

And in a flash of green light and the silence of a tomb, Cat Noir was replaced by Adrien Agreste.

Oh, dear. Wayzz seemed to be the last one standing. Not that being stuck in a ceiling by his shell was standing, really, but he was still conscious, which was more than he could say for the other two humans here. That was not bad, considering it was his first superhero fight and he was technically a pacifist. Too bad the world was doomed, now.

So it was up to him to finish things, then.

Adrien's body began turning brown, and there was a sound like the crunching of overdone cookies.

"I summon Emergency Mode," Wayzz said.

And then, with an unpleasant twisting sensation, his physical form went away.

It was similar to when he empowered his Chosen, becoming a very stylish (if he did say so himself, and he even got a very complimentary write-up in Ye Old Eighteenth-Century Fashion) green armored supersuit and a set of super abilities, except that process merely strolled nonchalantly past the laws of physics while whistling in a very, very innocent manner to proclaim, 'What? Me? Oh, no, I'm just adhering to the conservation of energy here, why do you ask?'

Emergency Mode was more like chloroforming the laws of physics, stealing its clothes, stealing its car, dumping the unconscious body in the river, and going for a joyride to a country with lax gambling laws. Except, at the end, _you_ were the one who woke up with the horrible headache and a weird taste on the tongue.

Wayzz was reduced to a kind of sticky energy that held together in a cluster. He could now easily move out of the hole in the ceiling, and floated his incorporeal self down to the nearly-gingerbread body of Adrien Agreste.

Then he floated _into_ the body of Adrien Agreste.

Specifically, he floated to the heart, where, although the bundle of muscles was still in place, a certain spirit was missing. No doubt it could be found in whatever unholy pocket dimension was serving as Heart Baker's tummy right now. (A little known bonus effect of being akumatized was that it made it very easy to lose weight. And also dress like a vampire.) And, in the absence of that spirit, Wayzz substituted himself.

Wayzz was now, functionally, Adrien's heart.

(Wake up, Adrien,) he said.

The first thing to come back was the beating of Adrien's physical heart. Then the boy started breathing again. Then he sat up suddenly and went, "Waaaah!"

(That was very loud,) Wayzz said. (But you are not a gingerbread zombie, so I think we can call this encounter a tie.)

"Um, sure!" Adrien looked around. "Isn't that the turtle kwami's voice? Where are you?"

(Technically, I am now infinitely present across all of physical space. And space is very, very big, so that's a lot of infinite. More practically, though, I am taking the place of the 'heart' that the akumatized Ladybug devoured as a wedding cake. So now you are alive again! You are welcome, of course.)

"Oh. Thank you. That's very kind of- _WHERE IS MY RING?!_ "

(I regret to inform you,) Wayzz began gently, (that Heart Baker is currently wearing it. On the wrong finger, I might add. She is very uncouth.)

"But- but Plagg-"

(He is safe. Until she finds the Ladybug earrings, anyway, and gains the ability to rewrite reality. But I'm sure you hid them very well. For now, we have to get to your home. Heart Baker's next victim is Adrien Agreste. I am confident that while she searches for a boy who's not home, we can get to the Ladybug Miraculous and get you some new superpowers. Naturally, we can't use Master Fu's Miraculous, because I'm too busy keeping you alive.)

Adrien was quiet for a long moment.

Too quiet.

(Adrien?)

"Um, you probably didn't feel it, what with you acting as my heart right now, but a very chill, ironic breeze just blew through the window I broke. So, about where I hid that Miraculous..."

Wayzz was very glad he was incorporeal. He wasn't sure his regular body was expressive enough to convey the horror he felt. (You left the earrings in your bedroom, didn't you?)

"...maybe?"


	11. Void

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'll never believe how this goes down.

Gabriel Agreste was a man who thought all his problems could be solved by walls.

But then, a zombie army was currently attempting to storm his mansion, so he could perhaps be forgiven a certain fortress mentality.

He had been in his home office, paging through a tome that was, on certain levels, not unlike a user's manual, albeit written by someone who was skeptical of this newfangled 'the world is round' business. He had been trying to figure out how an ancient Chinese sage would phrase 'Signal Not Found' when the security system started wailing like a minimum-wage employee. The monitors revealed the veritable army of cookified teenage boys attempting to trespass on his property.

Gabriel took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose.

This garbage again.

This was why he liked walls. Walls kept the riffraff out. Walls separated segments of his life that should never, _ever_ mix. Walls blocked off unpaid interns who might one day realize that they were more likely to succeed in an armed revolution than be offered a job. Walls kept away grief. Walls made sure he and Adrien could continue to function. Walls hid things.

Walls, it also seemed, needed to be attached to ceilings if they were going to keep mind-controlled Gingerbread Boys from scaling them and running all over the lawn. Sigh.

Gabriel put his book aside and triggered a full lockdown. More walls sprang into action, nice shiny metal walls selected for a certain level of polish that would go exquisitely with the decor, because if you were rich enough to be able to afford this many walls, you were also rich enough to make sure they looked good. And there was _no_ excuse for lacking style.

Ever.

No, not even that one.

With the cookie-zombies shut out until either Ladybug could resolve the issue or a certain supervillain could get things back on track, Gabriel reached for his book again and continued his research.

Then a thought struck.

Why were the Gingerbread Boys attacking _here?_

And what was the point in sending such an ineffective army against a very effective, recently upgraded, ridiculously expensive, but adequately stylish security system?

Gabriel hated questions he couldn't safely stick behind walls

And then he looked at the _internal_ security monitors, specifically the one in Adrien's room, and was soon leaping out of his chair.

Walls were nice, but right now he was really feeling doorways.

* * *

In retrospect, Chloe could understand the confusion, even though this was _totally_ not what it looked like.

It started when she had been left in the bedroom of her Adrikins while Cat Noir went off to do his (remarkably inefficient) superhero thing. For some reason Adrien wasn't home (and _of course_ the boy wasn't answering his phone still because apparently turning the ringer on was beyond the guy who had the highest grade average in class), and Chloe was left alone with Ladybug's magic earrings. She had tried talking to the red spotted magic fairy thing, but the creature had hissed something about a 'fiend' and went all twisty and shrinky to hide in the earrings, so she hid the earrings in the Adrien's funky-smelling mini-fridge.

And that left Chloe alone. In a two-story bedroom. Chloe had never liked Adrien's bedroom. Knowing that her friend had a room that could enclose her entire penthouse apartment filled her with a kind of existential dread, especially after she ate dairy. And one entire wall of the ridiculous place as given over to windows. And Chloe was still wearing the robe she had used to successfully win the heart of Ladybug.

So, naturally, she had gotten a little chilled, because heaven forbid Gabriel Agreste heat the place he worked so hard to make look like a friggin' ice palace.

So, naturally, she had commandeered some of Adrien's clothes, because they were good friends who shared everything except romantic partners because get your own, Adrien.

So, naturally, she had dug around his closet for a larger shirt that would accommodate the female form, because shirts that tight were far too desperate and the cute over-sized look was definitely _in_.

So, naturally, she had eschewed longer pants because Adrien had several inches on her in height and she could hardly run from an evil goth Marinette if she was tripping on her own cuffs, right?

So, _naturally,_ she kind of wound up hanging around in Adrien's bedroom wearing one of his shirts big enough to cover up that she was wearing pants.

And then Heart Baker had unnaturally teleported into the center of the room.

Naturally.

The evil baker in a poofy skirt and printed stockings - yes, the one with the chunk of her face missing because no fashion disaster was so bad that it couldn't be made worse by sacrificing necessary body parts - looked Chloe up and down (and up and down again, ha!) and scowled.

It was a familiar scowl, but that was no comfort. It was an 'Aw, is Marinette upset that a coffee got dumped on her new bag and then I took the bag and flushed it down a toilet and then when the toilet backed up I blamed her for it and later threw Alya's homework in the puddle?' kind of scowl, one that despite Marinette's usual peaceful nature always got Chloe to request a bodyguard for the weekend. Even cute little poodles sometimes remembered that they had teeth, after all. And back in pre-school, Marinette had once been lectured for biting.

Chloe held up her hands with a slow care that usually accompanied telling Daddy that she had no idea where his credit card was. "Seriously, not what it looks like! Adrikins isn't even here!"

Heart Baker continued to scowl as she held up a hand with all her fingers outstretched.

She lowered them one by one (saving the middle for last, the barbarian), and when she had a closed fist, the mansion's security system went into full shouty-blinky-emergency mode. Sheets of metal slid down over all the windows and doors, because apparently the world needed to balance out Chloe's successful seduction of the hottest girl in red polka-dotted tights by making every other aspect of her life a complete disaster.

"There," Heart Baker growled. "With _that_ done-" She walked over and slapped Chloe. "You work fast. Let me guess, Adrien is in the shower?"

Chloe put a hand on her stinging cheek. The little demoness had just _slapped_ her! All the fear fled from her (and it there was quite a bit of it, so it needed a few moments) and a righteous anger replaced it. She was Chloe Bourgeois, the mayor's daughter! She could not be slapped! She was a slapper of humanity, not a slappee! (Hm, 'slappee' sound like a tasty snack. Note to self: copyright that and make someone pay a ridiculous amount to buy it from her.) She wouldn't stand for this, not from anyone!

"You _slapped_ me!"

"Yeah? You don't think you deserve it for stealing Adrien away from me just because I tried to take your heart and eat it?" Heart Baker's face scrunched with fury, collapsing the void-heart on her face into a rather aerodynamic and _very sharp_ arrowhead. " **DO TELL.** "

The walls rattled from the bass and force of those last words. Chloe backed away and bumped against Adrien's desk hard enough to knock the keyboard and mouse to the floor. She couldn't take her eyes off the approaching (with such a sexy stalk; too bad the ragamuffin couldn't use that power for good instead of evil) Heart Baker, so she fumbled her hands across the desk in search of something that could be used as a weapon.

Where was that smelly Cat Noir when he was needed?

Then Chloe's hands encountered something that wasn't thin air, so she immediately grabbed and threw it with all her might and- wait, it had felt kind of soft and light, not like a weapon at all-

And so Adrien's collectible (never worn) Ladybug boxers landed right on Heart Baker's head.

 

 

 

 

Oops.

 

 

 

 

Heart Baker plucked the boxers off her head and gave them the evil eye. (More evil than usual, that is.) "Not what it looks like, huh?" She tossed them away and removed the iced Ladybug cookie from her belt. "Adrien can't give me his heart if you already have it."

The cookie grew, and its edges thinned. No cookie had any business looking that sharp. Chloe expected to have confectionary nightmares for years. "L- look, there's been a misunderstanding. Actually, several misunderstandings. _Actually,_ wow, now that I think about it, I think we've reached some kind of- what do you call? A critical mass? Is that what makes things explode? Anyway, there's a _lot_ of misunderstandings. So if we just stop and talk about this like reasonable people, maybe get Cat Noir here, too, to help out-"

Heart Baker laughed like she had just successfully gotten an innocent party in trouble for a clogged toilet. It sounded awful. "Oho, Adrien _and_ Cat Noir?! Chloe~! Leave some for the rest of us." And then she winked. "Actually, I'm just tea~sing you. Cat Noir is already mine, forever. See?" And then she held up her left hand, revealing a ring on her pinkie finger.

Depending on the light of the flashing security system, it sometimes looked black and sometimes looked silver. Either way, there was a distinct unstylish cat theme to the shape.

Wow, it really was true that you couldn't find good help these days, for both butlers and superheroes.

Chloe smiled nervously. "Um, congratulations? So if you have the cat boy, you don't really need Adrien, right? Um-"

" **ALL THE LOVE WILL BE MINE. I WILL BATHE IN THE LOVE OF THE LEGIONS.** "

"Um- I'm not sure if the love of the legions is good for skin, but-"

"Adrien won't get over you if I take your heart. Boys get so _attached._ If I want his heart, I think he needs to see you _detached._ "

"Detached?" Chloe smiled. "You want me to break up with him? Because I can totally do that if you go away and maybe find me a phone that can actually connect with that boy and then-"

"I mean," Heart Baker said as the giant cookie began spinning with the sound of an industrial saw, "he'll find an detached arm in one place, a detached leg in another, maybe your detached head right here on his desk..."

Chloe was out of options. She'd have to use her _secret weapon._ She put on a sultry expression (which was basically her salty expression but with a few letters shifted around) and said, "Are you sure you want to damage-"

She stuck out a leg like she had seen hitchhikers do on television and used her hands to make a full-body gesture towards herself.

"-this?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heart Baker burst out laughing.

What?

Chloe crossed her arms. "Are you making fun of me?"

Heart Baker gestured that she needed a minute.

Chloe waited.

Heart Baker laughed.

Chloe waited.

Heart Baker was still laughing.

Chloe tapped her foot.

Heart Baker gestured her sincere apologies while she continued to cackle.

Chloe huffed.

Heart Baker sank to the floor, still laughing.

Chloe was just about to walk over and kick the little homicidal tart when Heart Baker snapped back up to her feet as though jerked by strings and lurched forward to loom right in Chloe's face with the cookie buzzsaw held high. "Someone's going to pieces~~~~"

And that's when the metal wall slid up from over the door and a heroic figure with a rapier burst into the room!

Yay!

Chloe was saved!

-by _Gabriel Agreste?!_

He looked around, keeping his rapier up. "Why isn't Adrien here?"

Heart Baker lowered the buzzsaw and shrugged. "You know, I was wondering the same thing. For some reason this skank is wearing his clothes-"

Gabriel's head whipped around to stare at Chloe.

She groaned. " _So_ not what it looks like! Don't you follow me online? I'm dating Ladybug now."

Gabriel blinked. ".................well, be that as it may, I came here to find my son-"

Chloe scooted over behind the adult with the sword before anyone else could move. "Heart Baker is looking for him, too! Go get her!"

Gabriel glanced back at her and rolled his eyes. (Jerk!) "As I was going to say: but since I'm already here, I might as well finish this."

And then he lunged and rammed his sword straight into Heart Baker's chest.

Chloe gasped. Then she clapped.

Heart Baker went, "Gurglharrrghk!"

Gabriel kept going, ramming the sword straight through her body and out the back, practically carrying her along to slam into the sofa in the center of the room. At last he let go of the sword, leaving the akuma pinned to the furniture.

Heart Baker lifted her head, looked to Chloe, and coughed. "I am stabbed! Always remember- how much- I- I lov- loved the idea of eating your heart in front of you- ack!" And then the blue eyes that had been glowing in the heart—shaped void winked out, and her head lolled to the side.

"There," Gabriel said. "That should take care of that. Now, I believe the akuma is in the giant cookie that doesn't match the rest of her outfit."

Chloe gasped! Of course! She rushed over to the cookie and reached for it-

-and nearly lost her favorite fingers when it started spinning.

Ah.

Round 2.

Chloe, not being anywhere near as dumb as people said online, dove for cover.

The cookie buzzsaw floated into the air like a UFO from the planet Evilaientopia and then started swooping around. It dove at Chloe as she crouched behind Adrien's rank mini-fridge, buzzed by Gabriel as he did a combat roll out of the way (where do fashion designers learn combat rolls?!), and then it arced around to hover above Heart Baker.

Then it turned vertical.

Then it dropped.

Then Chloe discovered that there was such a thing as a sight so horrifying that she was powerless to close her eyes against it. She tried, even silently threatening her eyelids that if they didn't get their act together she'd make them go without any eyeshadow for a _week_ , but they remained locked open and so she was forced to endure the sight of Heart Baker being cut clean in half from head to poofy skirt.

The only saving grace of the sight was that there was no blood. Just devil's food cake (of course, sigh) and _lots and lots_ of chocolate pudding.

When Heart Baker was neatly bisected, both halves fell away from the sword that no longer pinned them-

-glowing blue eyes burst into being, one in each of the two half-hearts-

-and both sides of Heart Baker balanced on one foot and _grinned._ The side on the left said, "Double the cuties..." and the side on the right finished, "...double the fun!" Both looked at Gabriel and sang together, "I don't suppose Adrien has a twin fantasy?"

Chloe watched (from a safe distance) as Gabriel took a step back. "I don't discuss such things with my son, but if you'll excuse me, there's something I left in my office that I need right now. Why don't you play with the Bourgeois girl and I'll be right back?"

Both Heart Baker Halves said, "Oh, Chloe~"

And then Gabriel turned and ran for the door.

Chloe's jaw dropped. He was abandoning her?! That was- well, okay, that was totally something Gabriel Agreste would do. But that didn't make it right!

Except the lights chose that moment to blink, and suddenly Heart Baker - whole again - was standing in front of Gabriel, making him skid to a stop.

Chloe resisted the urge to cheer. She had to remember that the akuma was the _bad_ one.

Heart Baker put her hands on her hips. "Just kidding. You can't leave without giving me your heart."

Gabriel snorted. "I have no feelings for you (aside from a detached sense of disgust for what a creepy little chit you are), so I'm very certain that your powers (whatever they may be, because why would I know?) won't work on me."

Chloe said, "Booooo! Take his heart!" Then she quickly covered her mouth when she remembered whose side she was supposed to be on.

Heart Baker tapped her lips with a finger. "You know, you're right. Any heart you ever had burned to a crisp and blew away on the winds long ago. But you want to know a secret?"

Chloe very much did not want to hear a secret. While Heart Baker was focused on Gabriel, she opened the mini-fridge just a crack, retrieved the Ladybug earrings, and slipped them into her (borrowed) pocket.

Gabriel tried to retreat, but Heart Baker snapped her arms out with the speed of a hyperactive snake after too much sugar and grabbed Gabriel's tie.

Then Heart Baker said, "I don't have a heart, either. See? It's written right on my face."

Chloe couldn't help looking back at the monster, and the black void in the shape of a heart in the center of the leering face. It seemed so impossibly deep, such that the blue eyes within were both close and terribly far away.

There was something like a momentary flare, perhaps a sparkle, from deep in that shadowed void.

And then Gabriel was being pulled forward, rising and tumbling and _crumpling_ and twisting and _he screamed and screamed and screamed_ and the screaming didn't stop even when his whole body had collapsed into jumbled line no thicker than a jump-rope and it snaked into the shadow at the center of Heart Baker's face and _he screamed the whole time_ and then he was gone and silence reigned.

Heart Baker opened her mouth and let loose with a belch that echoed for eons.

And then she sang, "Chloe~! Where's my little naughty awful bully who everyone hates even while they admire her legs~"

And then the lights blinked again, and Heart Baker was crouched right on top of the mini-fridge.

Chloe froze.

Heart Baker reached out with a finger to stroke Chloe's chin. "Can I keep your legs, after I'm done showing them to Adrien?"

Chloe was going to die. No superheroes were coming to save her. Adrikins had probably abandoned her for the seductive embrace of a life with a phone on Airplane Mode. Gabriel Agreste was- um, not here anymore. Daddy was too far away to hear her screeches. And Ladybug, wherever she was, had no powers or weird little fairy creatures.

Chloe realized that she was going to die. She was hitting the depths of her despair.

But in those depths, down in the shadows, was a floor. And yes, there was dust all over that floor, but it was a _hard_ floor, and to her own amazement, Chloe realized that it was possible to bounce off of it. She couldn't be saved, but like a poisonous snake about to be stepped on, she could at least sink her fangs into the heel and hope that Big Pharma was overpricing the anti-toxin.

So she looked Heart Baker in the eyes and sneered. "I can't believe that of all the akumas I've had to deal with, I'm going to be killed by one that can't even maintain a consistent theme."

Heart Baker's eyebrows scrunched together. "What? But my theme is perfect! I'm an evil baker, and I turn Hearts into baked goods, and-"

"Then what," Chloe interrupted, "is with the horror routine? This is the second time you've done this! I bet you've been doing it all night! What does spooking people have to do with hearts _or_ baking? Even your parents' bakery isn't that scary, and I've seen what you guys pay in property taxes!"

Heart Baker's jaw dropped.

She blinked.

And then two black tears ran down her cheeks. " _Because love is scary!!_ "

Chloe let that roll around in her head. "It is? But love is _good!_ "

Heart Baker wiped at her eyes. "It's terrifying! Every time I tried to tell Adrien how I felt about him, it was like I was going to _die!_ And when I came over to talk to you about knowing my secret identity, you were wearing that robe and slipping off the chairs and kissing me and _I was practically shaking!_ Nothing I can do is as scary as love!"

Chloe had to nod. It made sense. She could remember how rattled she had been while dolling herself up for Ladybug back at the penthou-

Wait.

 _Ladybug_ had come to the penthouse. Chloe had kissed _Ladybug._

But Heart Baker was _Marinette._ They couldn't be the same person because Ladybug had left her magic earrings on Marinette's bal-

 

 

 

 

-con-

 

 

 

 

-y

 

 

 

 

_Oh._

 

 

 

 

Oh, _no._

 

 

 

 

Okay. Okay! Chloe could handle this. So the girl she had loathed for so long was also her hero. Okay. Fine. Right.

It was a good thing Chloe had spent so much of tonight stressed and scared out of her mind. She had no more emotion to give to this situation. Well, except self-recriminations, embarrassment, and endless amounts of regret for how she had treated Marinette specifically and humanity as a whole. But Chloe had never been one for disliking herself, so she just pushed all that stuff aside.

She reached out and wiped Heart Baker's tears. They were sticky like syrup. It was gross, and Chloe tried to shake her hand clean behind her back. "There, there. Love _is_ scary. I'm sorry what I said about your theme."

Heart Baker sniffled. "Thanks."

Chloe took Heart Baker's hands in her own. "No problem. You know, I feel like we've reached a new understanding. Here, let me get you one of Adrien's hankies."

"O-" Heart Baker cleared her throat. "Okay. Thanks. I'll make sure it's quick when I cut you up and leave your body parts around."

Chloe let go of Heart Baker's hands and stood up. "Sounds good. I'm just going to walk over here and runawayreallyfastwithyourringbye (hahaImadeawittyrejoinder)!!!" She clutched the Cat Noir ring she had slipped off Heart Baker's finger and ran for the door.

She remembered what had happened to Gabriel Agreste, and so closed her eyes as she approached the open doorway. When she bumped into a warm body, she couldn't help but go, "WAAAAH!"

And Adrien said, "WAAAH! WHY ARE WE SCREAM- oh, is that my ring? Thanks!"

Wait, Adrikins?

 _His_ ring?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chloe looked up at her oldest friend who now that she thought about it had always really worked black leather, and with her mind so fried, the only thing she could think to say was, "Why do you have a heart drawn on your face in icing?"

* * *

(Oh, I'm sorry,) Wayzz said from his position in Adrien's heart where one usually kept a 'soul.' (Heart Baker drew it on your face while you were clinically dead. I am not sure if she meant it as a prank or sign of affection. Nor do I know if she even knows the different between those two.)

Adrien slipped the Black Cat Miraculous on his hand. "It will go away when I transform. Plagg, cl-"

And then he shoved the nice blonde girl stepped away just before Heart Baker tackled Adrien to the ground and wound up laying on top of him.

She looked down at Adrien and frowned. "Sorry, I was aiming for Chloe...... wait, Adrien? How did you get Cat Noir's icing heart on your fa- ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh, cookies, we've been very silly, haven't we?"

Adrien answered, "Claws out!"

The pure energy that Wayzz currently was resonated with Plagg's specific lifehum as the Black Cat magic went to work, giving Adrien superpowers, a super-staff, a super-suit (which Plagg _really_ should have made a _little_ more roomy in the seat), and the ability to destroy anything with a touch.

[Oh, hey,] Plagg's lifehum said. [How's it going, Wayzz?]

As Cat Noir proceeded to do epic battle against Heart Baker, unaware of the second kwami's consciousness, Wayzz turned his attention to his colleague. (I am quite well. Thank you for asking. The akumatized Ladybug did nothing unpleasant to your ring?)

Cat Noir and Heart Baker proceeded to perpetrate a running duel with staff and cookie-saw.

[I think she licked it once.] Plagg's confused tone was audible even though not a word of this conversation was actually using sound. [I'm not sure if I'm flattered or insulted.]

Paintings were knocked off the wall as Heart Baker and Cat Noir wrestled their way through Gabriel Agreste's office.

(I am very sorry for you,) Wayzz said. (I myself have seen my home invaded, my master beaten with sticks by what appear to be monsters made of ginger-heavy cookie material, and my body converted to energy to keep your Chosen alive.) He was very excited to use passive-aggressiveness for the first time in his millennia of existence.

But, of course, he should have known better than to try it with Plagg. [Sounds fun. Oh, and thanks for keeping my boy alive. I'm too cool to care, but Tikki would get in real trouble if her Chosen destroys the world.]

Cat Noir and Heart Baker were both grinding their teeth together as they clashed in the most intense Dance Dance Revolution competition in all of human history.

(Oh,) said Wayzz, thrilled to be able to add sarcasm to his repertoire so soon after the passive-aggressiveness, (and I know how _fond_ you are of Tikki.)

Not far from the smoking remains of Adrien's arcade machines, Heart Baker threw out a closed fist at the same time that Cat Noir deployed two fingers representing scissors. He grabbed his ears in despair as Heart Baker laughed.

[Well, Tikki's kind of stuck up, but I try to look after her. The world is so cruel to you goody-goody types.]

Wayzz decided that for the sake of his sanity, he should return his attention to Cat Noir's fight with Heart Baker and stop trying to have a sane conversation with _Plagg_. They still had no idea what had happened to Nooroo, and while 'in the nefarious control of a real jerk-face' was the most likely scenario, they couldn't yet rule out that Nooroo had been driven insane from all that time he spent hanging out with Plagg back in the nineteenth century.

And so Wayzz focused back on the physical world just in time for Cat Noir's head to be splashed back into a gold-plated toilet bowl.

Oh.

They were losing, then. That was disappointing, after such a dramatic and heroic return to the field of battle.

Cat Noir bubbled for long moments before Heart Baker yanked his head back above water by the hair. "Kitty, kitty, are you sorry yet? Do want to apologize yet?"

Cat Noir coughed. "Apologize for what? I think I've been treating you very nicely, considering how mean you've been to my friends."

His head was stuffed back in the toilet bowl for several seconds, and when Heart Baker pulled him out, she shrieked, "You've been lying to me and driving me crazy! You stalked me and tried to seduce me as Cat Noir, and when I told you I wanted to be friends because I was in love with Adrien, you used your civilian identity to break my heart! How could you follow me around for days and think that I wanted to date myself?! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Wayzz said, (I find her accusations quite hypocritical.)

"Yeah," Cat Noir added. " _You're_ one to talk, My Lady."

"Hey! I stalked Adrien for _love!_ Not some weird jealousy-lust-martyr complex-combo!"

"No, I meant- Wait, you _stalked_ me?"

Heart Baker shoved his head back in the toilet.

(We need to end this,) Wayzz decided. (She's toying with you, Cat Noir, but as soon as she gets serious she'll go for the ring again.)

[Nooooo!] Plagg sounded panicked. [Don't let her lick me again! It made me feel funny inside!]

(Plagg agrees with me,) Wayzz conveyed as Cat Noir continued to blow bubbles.

[Cataclysm her head off!]

(Plagg says you should unleash the Power of Destruction upon her.)

[Take that creepy stupid cookie girl down!]

(Plagg says that it is always sad when a Chosen is lost, but alas, circumstances require us to consider even the most extreme options.)

[We'll tell Tikki it was an accident.]

(Plagg says Tikki will surely understand, given that we have no Ladybug to purify the akuma, even if we were to defeat her.)

[ _Oh swiss!!_ If we can't de-evilize the butterfly then it will multiply and make an army of Heart Bakers and I don't know if the world can handle that much unrepressed teenage hormones!]

(Plagg expresses his sympathies for what you must do.)

[Yeah, that too.]

Cat Noir was pulled out of the toilet bowl again, and he sputtered before gasping, "Can't do it- can't lose her-"

Heart Baker let go of him, letting him slump into a sitting position beside the gold-plated toilet, and plopped herself down in his lap. "Kitty, kitty. I don't want to lose you, either. We're married now, remember? I ate your heart. Just give me the ring, and we can be happy."

Cat Noir coughed and clenched his fists. "No- gotta protect-"

"Oh, you silly kitty." Heart Baker stood up, grabbed his tail, and dragged him out of the bathroom. "I guess we're going to have to do this the horrible way! Tee hee!"

Wayzz's fear grew as Cat Noir was dragged out, dripping all the way, into the main hall of the Agreste Mansion. The boy made a valiant effort at resistance, at least up until his head started bouncing off the grand staircase. The mansion echoed with the sounds of destruction, and Gingerbread Boys emerged from every parlor, passage, and ping-pong room to become an audience for their foul, giggling master.

Heart Baker dropped Cat Noir into the center of the hall and leaned over him. "Give me your cutesy~ little~ ring~, kitty."

Cat Noir coughed, clutched his ring-hand to his chest, and heroically intoned, "Nu-uh."

Heart Baker licked her lips. "I know who you are now, little tail-butt. I know what you hope for. I know what makes you sad. And I know what you love. Nino?"

Wayzz was confused. Wasn't Cat Noir's name 'Adrien?' Who was 'Nino?' Had the whole mistaken-identity 'thing' that these 'kids' had going reached a new 'level' of 'stupid?' And could that be exploited to somehow open a wormhole into a universe where things were much more child-friendly, and rare were the plot-points that carried over from adventure to adventure?

Then one of the Gingerbread Boys stepped forward, the bespectacled lad who had been chased into Master Fu's home and later threw the other Miraculouses into the river. The one Cat Noir had arrived to save.

Oh. Right. Villains loved to do this type thing. It was one of the major reasons Wayzz could not stand their company, even when they served tea.

Heart Baker stalked over the the Gingerbread Nino and wrapped herself around him like a crooked poster slapped on a lamppost to advertise a movie that came out two years ago. "You know what would make me ecstatic, Nino? If you lit yourself on fire while your best friend watched, and burned until you were just a little black brick of a cookie. Ooh~ and then the other Boys could all stomp and stomp and _stomp_ until even your crumbs are reduced to nothing but black dust. Oh, I'd just _love it_ if you remained conscious the whole time so that you experienced every single moment of exquisite agony. And you want my love, don't you, Nino?"

She looked over at Cat Noir.

He said, rather futilely, "Don't!"

Wayzz did not expect the request to be honored.

Heart Baker took her arm from around the Gingerbread Boy's shoulder, reached into her floppy chef's hat, and pulled out a book of matches and a can of kerosene. "Nino, make me happy~ please."

And Cat Noir _leapt-_

There was a blur of motion with pink highlights, a collision of bodies, and by the time Wayzz was able to make sense of any of it, Heart Baker and Cat Noir were entangled, their legs locked around each other and their bodies straining and their arms overlapping and _Cat Noir couldn't move and Heart Baker was slowly pulling the ring off his finger._

Around them, the Gingerbread Boys gathered to form an over-baked wall that blocked out all the light.

Darkness had fallen on the fight.

Wayzz couldn't even bring himself to appreciate the metaphor _or_ the rhyme. Things were just too tense, and he felt a strong need for some tea, even though he currently had no physical body with which to drink it. No wonder he and the master left this business to teenagers who weren't even old enough to buy cigarettes. He advised, (Unless you unleash Destruction, it is over.)

Heart Baker moved the ring closer to the end of his finger, chanting, "Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty-"

Cat Noir pulled his hand free of her grasp with the strength born of the kind of last-ditch heroism that waited for the most dramatic moment just because it liked to stress people out, and the ring spun around the tip of his finger. "Cataclysm."

The ring fell back into place.

Heart Baker's floating blue eyes went wide.

Cat Noir's destructo-finger hovered in front of her face.

Heart Baker grinned. "Do it, kitty. Or else I'll takes the Miraculouses and wish to have all the love in the world for myself. Either way, I'll never leave your heart."

Cat Noir whimpered. The destructo-finger bubbled with Kaos energy.

Wayzz, however, couldn't let this tragic confrontation between soulmates end in death without clarifying something: (You call it the 'destructo-finger?' Really?)

Plagg's sigh was heavy enough to almost be real. [Teenagers. What can you do?]

* * *

Chloe was making a heroic last stand alone in a dark coat-closet when all the superhero sounds quieted. Was it over?

Something in her pocket vibrated, and Ladybug's fairy thing popped out to say, "It's not over."

Chloe hadn't been this disappointed since that website selling Ladybug wigs was slapped with a cease-and-desist order and shut down. "Oh. I don't suppose there are any other superheroes we can call, then?"

Ladybug's fairy sighed. "There aren't. I can sense Wayzz inside Cat Noir, so we can't count on the Guardian."

That was too bad. Chloe liked the sound of a 'Guardian.' Guarding things was usually good. But, obviously, this person had not done their job. Hopefully, his pay would be docked for this.

The fairy continued, "And, amazingly, you actually did something good and fairly competent by getting the ring back to Cat Noir."

Chloe felt a lump growing in her throat. No one had ever called her competent, before. Not even Daddy. "Thank you!"

"So, since we don't have any other choice at this point, and I'm probably going to get a horrible review if we even survive, and it's not like you can possibly screw things up worse, I would like you to do something for me."

Chloe tried to parse all of that and decided that it came out to additional compliments. She was starting to like this fairy. "What do you need?"

"Put the earrings on."

Chloe usually preferred her accessories to be more golden and pricey, but she was already dressed like a hobo in Adrien's designer clothes, so she complied. The earrings went on smoothly. "Now what?"

"Say two words."

And then the fairy enunciated them very, very clearly.

Chloe repeated, **_"Spots on!"_**

And then the light of creation filled the coat-closet.

'Creation,' it turned out, was bright pink.

* * *

Cat Noir, for some reason, was not using his Cataclysm on Heart Baker's face.

Wayzz worried that he had gone into Emergency Mode and brought the boy back to life for nothing. (Is there a problem? Besides your obvious hesitancy to 'destroy' the woman you love? I used 'destroy' instead of 'kill' out of sensitivity for your feelings.)

Cat Noir muttered, "I have an idea."

(Oh?)

"How do you destroy a void?"

Heart Baker's face loomed above, and surely Cat Noir had a very close-up view of the heart-shaped emptiness in the center. As she tried to force the Cataclysm-powered destructo-finger away from her, she blinked. "Are you talking to me?"

Wayzz felt Cat Noir smile. "Among others. So, do you know the answer? How do you destroy a void?"

Heart Baker snorted. "You can't. You can only fill it up."

"Exactly."

And then he stuck his Cataclysm right into the empty heart in her face.

Wayzz heard, on the sub-ethereal plane where Plagg's consciousness was currently stored in a kind of dream-state, something that could be roughly transcribed as, [WHAAAWWWAAAAWWWAAAAAWWWAAAAAWAAAA!!] The number was A's was subject to some dispute, but that was the general gist.

A second later, Wayzz, serving as the spiritual equivalent of Cat Noir's heart, felt the same thing. It was a _ripping_ , a searching kind of hunger with an urgency born of starvation. Even he, currently perpetrating something like 'pick a card, any card' on the Conservation of Energy, was nearly overwhelmed and drained dry by it. He feared that soon he wouldn't be able to keep Cat Noir alive-

"Give it to me," the boy mumbled. "I can handle it."

He could? Even without tea? But how-

And then Wayzz recognized the hunger. It wasn't for food, not even for tea.

It was for _love._

That's how you filled a void in the shape of a heart.

_You filled it with love._

And as Wayzz passed the burden on to Cat Noir - on to _Adrien_ \- an overwhelming flood of love was directed into the void.

All of the love that Adrien and Cat Noir had for Marinette and Ladybug and Heart Baker filled up the empty heart, and where once there had been infinite emptiness, there was now infinite creation.

Creation, as it turned out, was bright pink.

The shadow in the center of Heart Baker's face exploded with that pink light. It was like someone had taken a beacon, hooked it up to one of those suspect prototype generators that always had exposed wiring and Tesla coils, and tried to turn it into a laser by sheer wattage. The light burst out of Heart Baker's face with enough force to send her flying backwards amidst a blossom of fireworks, and the Gingerbread Boys standing around her were knocked back on their feet.

At that moment, a closet door in the corner of the hall burst open, and Ladybug herself stalked out twirling her yo-yo. The red and black, polka-dotted costume stretched to reveal a figure that was all power and confidence, and a sadistic smirk stretched beneath the mask.

Truly, this was a superhero.

(But wait,) Wayzz said, (I thought Marinette was Ladyb-)

"Yoo-hoo! Adrikins!" Ladybug waved. "Look, I'm subbing for a superhero! I'm the Miraculous Chloebug!"

Oh, right. The blonde. Come to think of it, this Ladybug did not have the expected dark pigtails. Now how had Wayzz missed something that obvious? Little masks around a human's eyes really made noticing their hair _difficult._

Still, Wayzz was grateful that he had a moment to ponder the matter as Ladybug and Cat Noir proceeded to get to work.

The 'Chloebug' attacked the Gingerbread Boys, easily dodging their fumbling attacks as she used her yo-yo to trip and restrain and swing them all about. It was almost like this girl had been practicing for just such an occasion. She didn't even seem hampered by the ridiculous tights she was wearing. What was with Tikki and Plagg that they liked to create such clingy suits? Surely, those two deserved each other.

Speaking of strange people who deserved each other, Cat Noir approached Heart Baker.

* * *

~~Chloe~~ The Miraculous Chloebug had never felt better in her entire life. Even the scary, scream-faced Gingerbread Boys couldn't frighten her. Chloe could outleap them, outrun them, and of course out-pretty them. But then, that last part was a fairly normal state of affairs for her.

She bopped Gingerbread Nino over the head and kicked him across the room. "That's for taking up so much of Adrien's time!"

She shoved Gingerbread Nathaniel so hard he went flying up to the top of the hall's big staircase. "That's for drawing me as a monster with a giant mouth that time!"

She jump-kicked a Gingerbread Boy she didn't recognize. "You probably deserved that for crushing on Marinette instead of me!"

But no, as fun as it was beating up people for past grievances, that wasn't what being a hero was all about. And right now, the world needed a hero, not a fashionable political heiress with gorgeous hair and great legs who was better than everyone else! Even though she was totally better than everyone else.

She reached up into the sky, just as she had seen Ladybug do so many times both in person and on the videos on the Ladyblog. She idly wished that Alya was around to film and post footage of all this, if just so that she'd be able to see gifsets on tumblr of herself in this costume. "Lucky charm!"

There was a light, and then a spotted spatula fell into her hand.

Chloebug examined it. What was she supposed to do with this? She vaguely recalled that something like the thing was supposed to be used in kitchen work, but she had never actually been in a kitchen aside to yell at cooks and once she sabotaged a chef she hated, so she wasn't sure what she was meant to do with it.

Another Gingerbread Boy rushed at her with icky outstretched arms, so Chloebug threw the spatula at his head, knocking him off his feet.

Eh, close enough.

* * *

Wayzz cheered, (Woo! Go Cat Noir! We are the first number and she is not!) as the boy confronted Heart Baker.

Even with the fountain of concussive pink light shooting from her face like fireworks, she was struggling to strike a defensive pose with her cookie-buzzsaw. She swung it as Cat Noir approached, but he easily deflected it by backhanding the flat of the cookie-blade.

It flew out of Heart Baker's grasp like a pizza thrown by an easily startled Italian, and Cat Noir caught and brought it down to snap on his rising knee in a single motion.

The giant cookie cracked in half, and a black butterfly emerged.

And so the war was won. Wayzz added another, (Woo!)

Heart Baker collapsed, her black baker dress fading into a white t-shirt and pink jeans, her alabaster skin warming up to the point where she no longer looked like a misplaced corpse, and her face returning to a whole state. She collapsed with a groan.

And then a grown man in a very stylish suit indeed popped out of one of her nostrils.

"F- Gabriel Agreste," Cat Noir exclaimed, "who I am not at all related to!"

(Oh, good.) Wayzz had to share his relief. (For a second I thought something _weird_ was happening.)

Gabriel Agreste stumbled to his feet and looked around. "Cat Noir. I see that you have defeated the akuma. You have my thanks."

"Of course! Ladybug and I will always be here to help."

Gabriel Agreste's eyes narrowed. "Ladybug. Yes. Is it me, or does she look a little different?"

(Cat Noir,) Wayzz put in, (you are a good person, but I encourage you to perpetrate a falsehood right now.)

[Tell him to lie,] Plagg added.

(Yes, Plagg, I was just doing that.)

[Well, excuse me for not being a thesaurus.]

(Of course not. You resemble a cat in physical form. You are nothing like a dinosaur.)

[You know how weird your half of this conversation must sound to Adrien, right? He can't hear me.]

Cat Noir shook his head as if trying to clear it. "Ladybug? Different? I don't know what you mean."

"Yoo-hoo, Ad- er, Cat Noir! I need some help over here!" On the other side of the room, the freed akuma butterfly was flapping around the hall while the ersatz Ladybug was attempting to swing her yo-yo at it. Apparently, clotheslining a Gingerbread Boy was easier than catching an akuma, as her latest attempt bounced the yo-yo off a wall to conk herself in the head. "Ow!"

Cat Noir winced. "Um, don't worry, I'm sure she'll get it eventually. We won't let the akuma multiply and create an army of Heart Bakers."

"An army of Heart Bakers?" Gabriel Agreste shuddered. "Excuse me, I need to go do something in my office. Because that is a thing I do, abandoning people to go do important business things. I am a very cold an inconsiderate person, that way."

"Er-"

But before Cat Noir could say anything, Gabriel Agreste practically ran up the stairs to the second floor, and then the sound of slamming doors echoed through the mansion.

Several seconds later, the flapping akuma dropped out of the air like a rock. It sat unmoving on the floor.

"Ha!" Chloebug carefully positioned her yo-yo above it, and snapped it into the purification chamber. "Time to de-evilize the _poop_ out of this ugly thing!"

Wayzz laughed. (This friend of yours is a very good superhero. She is even developing catchphrases on her first time out! And quite witty, too! 'Poop.' Ha, ha! It is funny because humans don't normally reference their waste material!)

"Right," Cat Noir mumbled. For some reason he did not seem as appreciative.

Chloebug's yo-yo popped open and the purified white akuma emerged to fly away. She made a gesture at it. "And don't come back, little butterfly!"

Then she picked up her Lucky Charm spatula. "Miraculous Chloebug! Yeah! I hope someone makes an action figure out of me!"

(What is an 'action figure?' Is that some kind of award?)

Cat Noir mumbled, "I'll explain later."

The healing wave of magic burst out of the yo-yo and flowed all over the mansion. Damage was repaired, Gingerbread Boys were restored to humanity and then whisked back to their homes, and Wayzz felt a human heart return to its proper place in Adrien's body.

Wayzz reached out with his incorporeal form. (And I so I bring this Emergency Mode to an end.) He pressed himself between a few quarks to slip out of Adrien's body, and let the physical world get its grimy paws back on him. A handsome, green shelled form coalesced around his energies, and Wayzz was once more a regular kwami.

A regular kwami with a killer hangover. "Owwwww."

* * *

The Miraculous Chloebug (she fully intended to copyright that as soon as she got back home) nodded with approval as all the little magic ladybugs restored reality to its proper place. It was better than having a butler.

There was one last thing to take care of. She turned to where Marinette was blinking her way back to consciousness on the floor. Now, how exactly should she handle this? Perhaps she'd go over, plant one on Marinette's lips, and say, 'I love you, Ladybug.' Or maybe she could stand over Marinette, strike a sexy pose, and go, 'I always knew I looked good in tight clothes, but I should have noticed how well you could work it, too.' Or maybe she'd just point at Marinette and screech, 'AHHH YOU'RE LADYBUG PLEASE FORGET THE TIME I DIPPED YOUR PIGTAIL IN THE BLUE PAINT AND WROTE A DIRTY WORD WITH IT ON THE BACK OF KIM'S HEAD.'

While Chloebug considered, ~~Adrien~~ Cat Noir walked over to Marinette and helped her up with a, "Are you okay, My Lady?"

Marinette groaned. "Oh, no. I was akumatized, wasn't I? How- how bad was it?"

Chloebug didn't trust herself to speak.

"Eh," Cat Noir said, "on a scale of, like, one to ten?"

Marinette looked to him and nodded.

Cat Noir winced. "No more than a 37."

Pf. Leave to Adrikins to be too nice and lowball it.


	12. Marinette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All stories have endings. Most aren't this silly.

"My, my," said the Guardian. "That sounds like quite the adventure. And what happened next?"

Plagg glared across the little tea-table table at the witness. As the/a (he didn't like to get denominational about such things) god of destruction, he considered himself to have a very intimidating glare. But he could only assume that he wasn't aiming the thing right, because for some reason it rarely got people to bring him cheese in hopes of staving off his divine wrath. Still, he figured it should be good for intimidating a witness, especially one this dim.

Sitting in the Witness Tea Saucer, Wayzz closed his eyes as he searched his memory. "Well, Cat Noir and Chloebug's Miraculouses were about to run out of power, so they retreated and then reappeared claiming to have conveniently been just out of sight the whole time. Adrien asked his father permission to take Marinette home after her ordeal. Gabriel Agreste said (and I quote), 'Will you taking her home help stabilize her mental state?' And Adrien replied (and I quote), 'Probably.' And then Gabriel Agreste shoved all of the teenagers out of the door and into a limousine. Marinette was returned home, and her parents were upset that it was so late because Cat Noir promised to have her home for dinner."

Plagg could only hope that the Guardian wouldn't add the broken promise to the list of crimes currently being judged. Just in case, he used his paws to motion to Wayzz the kind of rewards that a tattletale could expect. He wished he had bigger claws to make the point clearer, but he just added a little extra fury to the movements to convey the proper amount of danger.

Beside him, Tikki whispered, "Why are you making hugging motions at Wayzz?"

Before Plagg could reply, the Guardian said, "I see. Well, thank you for your testimony, Wayzz. We are all grateful for your help both in defeating Heart Baker and the subsequence investigations. Is there anything else you'd like to add to your testimony?"

"Yes! The Chloe human performed exceptionally in Ladybug's place. She is clearly a girl of great ability and heroism! I recommend adding her to the 'short list' of candidates for a Miraculous."

Tikki groaned. Plagg decided that he didn't need to have an opinion, conveniently enough. It had been a while since he could not care about something. It was nice. He should do it more often.

"I will take that under advisement." Fu stroked his beard. "But I was thinking more about matters related directly to Ladybug and Cat Noir."

"Um-" Wayzz looked over in what seemed to be Plagg's general direction.

Plagg, in turn, made a series of gestures that translated roughly to, 'Clever and violent quip about turtle soup.'

Wayzz blinked. "Assuming that Plagg is not actually having a seizure, then no, Master. I think that covers everything."

"I see. Are you sure?"

"Yes, Master."

"Ah. Strange. I would have expected you to offer some insight into another little security breach-"

Plagg hissed like someone had stepped on his tail. Which Tikki had just done.

* * *

It had been the previous night, while Adrien was taking Marinette home in the manner of the rich and famous, which is to say that he was sitting in the back of the limo with her while the driver did all the real work.

Plagg had been hiding in Adrien's pocket at the time, as was his unfortunate lint-ridden lot in life, and still hadn't gotten a chance to talk to the other two kwami. The substitute Ladybug had passed both Tikki and Wayzz to Marinette while Adrien was doing his escape-and-then-come-back-as-myself thing (with a brief stopover in his bedroom to finally do a little happy dance over learning Ladybug's identity and surviving the process, the nerd), so Plagg was left to try to figure out the plan for damage control by himself. He had gotten as far as identifying Step 1 ("Eat some Camembert and take a nap."), but couldn't find the focus he needed to determine the rest, not with the Chloe-girl babbling non-stop.

She had bummed a ride with the others, and was proving that humans really didn't need oxygen so long as they vented their brains by giving voice to every single thought that crossed their minds.

"So," she was saying, "I figure I'm pretty much redeemed, right? Like, I know now that I might have been just a little excessively mean in the way I went about regularly demonstrating how much better I am than everyone else, but I totally saved the day as a superhero, so that probably evens out, right?"

"Sure, Chloe," Adrien muttered mechanically from her left.

"Whatever, Chloe," Marinette grumbled grumpily from her right.

"Yes, I thought so." Chloe paused just long enough to get Plagg's hopes up for some peace and quiet. "So since I'm redeemed, Ladybug and I are still totally dating, right, Marinette?"

Adrien squeaked.

Marinette groaned. "Dating?! We- I- Any dates scheduled while I was akumatized don't count!"

"No, it was before that, when you-as-Ladybug showed up at my suite and we totally made out-"

Adrien choked.

"That," Marinette bit out, "Was. Not. A. Date. That was me thinking you found out my identity, and you acting like you wanted me to sleep with you in exchange for your silence."

Adrien launched into a coughing fit.

Chloe's voice came back softer: "oh."

"Yeah."

"okay." Chloe's voice brightened again. "Well, I'm redeemed now, but if you still want to do that, I can sacrifice my goodness and give it a try. Maybe I can be an anti-hero, or something, regularly saving Paris but also having a fatal flaw that keeps us in a twisted relationship."

" _No._ "

"Okay, fine, but the offer will still be on the table if you change your mind."

"Noted. Thanks."

"Oh, no problem. I totally owe you for helping me realize that Adrien was never going to satisfy my needs. I know now that I never really thought you were a terrible human being, I was just threatened by an attraction to you that I couldn't identify because I didn't understand myself well enough to tell the difference between hate and sweet, sweet lust. You know, just like in anime."

"Well, congrats."

"Thanks! But I shouldn't get _all_ the credit. (Just most of it.) If not for Adrikins being sad that he'd never have me and pointing out that I have a thing for red tights, I'd-"

"Wh- what?! No," sputtered Adrien, "I never said _you_ like Marinette! I said Ladybug likes Marinette! I thought _Ladybug_ was crushing on Marinette and I was upset because I'm in love with Ladybug!"

"You," began Marinette, and Plagg hissed. Oh, here we go, the last bit of operational security was about to go up in flames- but, honestly, trying to keep track of who knew what at this point would just get confusing. Maybe just letting it all come out would be fine-

"Why," Chloe interrupted, "would you think Ladybug likes Marinette? Ladybug _is_ Marinette, goofus!"

"I KNOW THAT NOW!! But Ladybug was practically drooling over describing how cute and awesome Marinette is-"

"Hey," Marinette squeaked. "I wasn't drooling over myself! I was pretending to be my own friend! (But that isn't creepy because I have real friends.) But what's this about you being in love with-"

-and surely, Tikki would get more blame than Plagg, since it was her Chosen on the chopping block here-

"Ha," interrupted Chloe, "you were talking yourself up to your crush! That's so weird! But I guess trying to seduce Adrikins with your mask on was worth a try, since you're usually all, 'Blargh! Wargh! Wooogy-wooogy-wooogy!' when you're trying to be seductive-"

"She didn't tell _me_ ," grumped Adrien, "she told _Cat Noir._ And don't make fun of her."

"But you _are-_ "

Adrien didn't leap fast enough.

"-Cat Noir _rraagh get your hand off my mouth!_ "

That's when Marinette started screaming.

Well, there it goes. The cat was out of the bag. (As horribly racist as that statement was to Plagg. What kind of a monster puts _cats_ in _bags?_ Was that to help carry them? Was it to keep cats grouped? Was there Camembert in the bag?) Now it was just a matter of dodging the blame.

Over the din, Chloe shouted, "What happened?"

Adrien's voice was harder than that one block of cheddar that Plagg had tried to age for five hundred years: "YOU GAVE AWAY MY SECRET IDENTITY THAT'S WHAT!!"

"Don't be _stupid_ , Adrikins! She already saw you transform!"

" _As Heart Baker!_ People don't remember what happened while they're akumatized!"

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"You didn't- _YOU WERE AKUMATIZED!!_ HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?!"

"Well, obviously, I forgot that I forgot. Duh."

Marinette screamed the whole way home.

* * *

"That," Plagg told the biased little inquisition occurring atop Fu's tea-table, "was not my fault!"

The Guardian barely glanced at him. "Plagg, please, do not interrupt the deposition of the witness."

"Besides," Wayzz added, "it was Tikki who bribed me not to bring that up unprompted, since she wasn't paying attention to the humans' conversation until it was too late, so you have no reason to be defensive."

Plagg blinked.

The Guardian blinked.

Wayzz nodded.

Wow. Plagg had to admit, he was impressed. He should have thought of bribing Wayzz. Obviously, it wouldn't have worked, because Wayzz was a moron, but he approved of Tikki's general deviousness. There might be hope for his counterpart after all.

Beside him on Master Fu's little tea-table, Tikki slumped. "I admit it. I offered to steal some carrot cake for him from the bakery. I know it was wrong, and I'm very ashamed. I throw myself on the mercy of the court."

Plagg muttered, "Suck up." There was hope, but plainly he had a lot of work.

Tikki threw a glare at him.

The Guardian made a sound that wasn't quite a hum. "This isn't a trial. We're just talking and learning things. Very informal. We're all friends here, after all."

"Ha!" Plagg pointed at Fu. "That's what you say! But I know how you Guardians are! It's all tea and Zen junk until a Chosen accidentally sells his partner out to an organized fairy-dust smuggling ring _one time,_ and then the tongue-stretcher comes out! Well, news flash, you deceitful old fogey! No one believes that you're nice! Except maybe Marinette, but she's an idiot-"

"Hey," Tikki squeaked. "Not all the time!"

"Fine, only most of the time. Anyway, I got your number, Fu, and I ain't afraid of you! You need me! Adrien is personally devoted to me, and without Cat Noir, Hawk Moth would have your shnoozies in a grimple. So back off!"

Fu didn't say anything. He just brought to bear the full strength of his gaze.

Oh, swiss, it was like being locked in a freezer! Plagg summoned all his bravery, curled up, cowered, and cried "Don't hurt me I'm sorry I didn't mean it waaaah!"

Fu nodded. "Of course I forgive you. Because I am a very nice old man." He took a sip of tea. "And now I shall declare the punishments!"

"NOOOOOOO!!"

"Plagg and Tikki," the Guardian intoned, "while we did indeed decide that the Chosen should not be aware of each other's true identities, you need to be more flexible when that choice starts doing more harm than good. Getting Ladybug akumatized was probably not the best tactical decision. Also, I feel that you both need to do more to stabilize the extreme tendencies of your humans. To help internalize these lessons, I am going to-"

"OH NO HERE IT COMES," freaked Tikki.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH," added Plagg.

"-ask you to write a twenty-page essay each on teenage psychology and the requisite good parenting strategies."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH," said Plagg, "ANYTHING BUT ESSAY!!!"

Tikki smacked him. "Do you even know what an essay is?"

Plagg froze. The word sounded familiar-

Tikki sighed. "Ask your human."

Oh, sure. Like Plagg was going to bother remembering this whole thing as soon as he got out the door.

* * *

Nino got to school okay, only suffering a minor freak-out when he passed the Dupain-Cheng Patisserie and saw a sign in the window proclaiming half-off all gingerbread treats.

On a more attractive (much more!) and soothing (kinda) note, he found Alya waiting outside the school and scrolling through her phone, no doubt handling the speculation about what Ladybug and Cat Noir had been up to the night before. (And not in the dirty way it sounded. This time.) He knew she wasn't waiting for _him_ , but went over to say hi anyway. "Marinette hasn't shown up yet, I take it?"

Alya winced. "I told her to stay home. Everyone else used getting akumatized as an excuse for a cut-day. But you know our girl."

"Oh, geez, she's going to bring Apology Treats for everyone she turned into a Gingerbread Boy, isn't she?" Nino couldn't help remembering the feel of Heart Baker chewing the pastry his heart became, and dearly hoped that Marinette wasn't going to try throwing a muffin at him by way of apology. He liked her enough not to want to scream in terror in her face.

"That," Alya said, "is what I'm here to nip in the bud. And also be a supportive friend of course. All my social media accounts have been kind of blowing up with every boy in the school either having a nervous breakdown or geeking out about how hot 'Heart Baker' was. Or both. I'm not sure Nathaniel is ever going to be able to look at a girl again, for at least a week."

"Oh." Nino winced. He hoped Marinette wasn't reading that kind offffffff course she was. "Well, my parents already found me a therapist, and after our phone interview he said my sex drive probably hasn't been permanently damaged. So I think most of the other boys will be okay. Probably."

"I didn't ask about your sex drive, Nino. But still, good to know."

Nino blinked and looked at his girlfriend. Had he just heard what he thought he'd heard?

Thankfully, Chloe chose that moment to arrive.

(Wow. _There_ was a phrase Nino never thought he'd have cause to assemble.)

Chloe's signature limo pulled up in front of the school, and the girl herself quickly hopped out, Sabrina right behind her. Chloe waved and flicked her sunglasses up as she approached Alya. "Oh, good, you're here! I wanted to tell you that I'm totally suing Gabriel Agreste to get the security footage of Heart Baker's defeat! The world must see the truth! I'll make sure the Ladyblog gets a copy!"

Alya snorted. "Sure, Chloe. The truth."

Nino said, "What truth?"

"Chloe here has been posting about how she subbed for Ladybug herself and was instrumental in saving Marinette. There's kind of been some fandom drama over it, but so far no one has threatened murder."

Nino tried to bite down a chuckle, but it turned out that teeth were poor guards against amusement. "Huh. I didn't know the Ladyblog accepted fanfic."

He fully expected Chloe to explode at him like a firecracker in a bucket of fertilizer- loud, messy, and more than halfway to an actual bomb - but she just put a finger on his lips to shush him.

"The truth will be known," Chloe whispered. "Then I will forgive your doubts."

Sabrina nodded. "I believe her! Chloe's had lots of practice pretending to be Ladybug! I'm a witness!"

Alya rolled her eyes and, to Nino's gratitude, removed Chloe's finger from his lips. "Sure, Chloe. You get me video proof of you using Ladybug's power to save the day, and I'll post it with my compliments."

"Yes!" Chloe giggled and did something like the kind of dance a chair would do, if a chair could dance, but of course it couldn't, and neither could Chloe. "You can count on me! And since you're being nice and I'm a hero now, I'm going to drop my defamation suit against you! Both of them! Everybody wins! Justice and love for all! Heeya!" The thing she did with her arms nearly decapitated Nino. "Now come on, Sabrina. I need to check the homework you did for me before class because it's probably all wrong."

"Coming, Chloe!"

As they trotted into the school, Nino heard the pair of girls saying:

"And after school, let's play Ladybug'n'Cat Noir again."

"Okay, Chloe!"

"And this time, I'll let _you_ be Ladybug."

"Wow! _Really,_ Chloe? Thank you! This is the best day of my life!"

"And it's just starting. I'm curious how you look in red tights."

Nino decided that he didn't want to know any more than that. In fact, he regretted not getting a receipt for that bit of knowledge so that he could return it for a full refund well before the sixty-day limit.

Amazingly, he and Alya didn't have to wait much longer for Marinette to arrive. And as soon as he saw the recovering magical baker-terrorist, he winced. "Oh, yeah, she's been reading about herself online."

Alya tilted her head. "She has a rag pinned to the front of her blouse that says 'SHAME' in block-lettering. And _of course_ she had a box from the bakery of what are no doubt Apology Treats. How, Nino? How did you let me become friends with her without warning me?"

"Marinette cannot be described. She can only be experienced. Besides, you met her before you met me." What Nino found most distressing, though, was that Marinette was not wearing her regular pigtails. Her hair was hanging loose on her shoulders. Those pigtails were national institutions at this point, and older than the Arc de Triomphe. She probably had to petition the mayor's office to get permission to change them. It was not, in Nino's opinion, a good sign.

But neither, necessarily, was it a bad sign.

"Well," Alya said, "you can give me your muffin or cookie or whatever. I'll make sure not to eat it in front of her."

Nino supposed that was part of the Boyfriend Code: 'What Thou Are Bequeathed By Girls Who Not Twelve Hours Ago Shoved Thou Against A Wall And Rubbed Against Thou Shalt Be Shared With Thine Girl Friend.' It was a code that he was more than happy to obey, today.

Marinette bowed her head as she approached. "Nino, I'm _so_ sorry for terrorizing you. And if I came onto you, I apologize for that, too. Unless you liked it, in which case I'm going to stand aside while Alya beats you up." She moved to open her box-

-Nino involuntarily stepped back, visions of feral chocolate cupcakes dancing through his head-

-and Marinette removed what seemed to be a little round patch from the box. "I know better than to try to give people bakery treats today. I just didn't have another box handy." She held out the patch with a blush. "Here."

Nino took it. It was blue with a black border, and sewn in pink in the center was 'Too Handsome for Hawk Moth: The Marinette Apology Tour.' "Um, did make one for _every boy_ in the school?"

"That's why I just did patches. I thought about throwing together some messenger bags, but I didn't quite have enough material. Maybe I'll do the bags for a second round."

Nino glanced at his girlfriend, giving her a clear 'Yo, Help Me Out Here, My Empathy Is Under-Served By My Communication Abilities' look.

Alya, awesome as she was, seemed to understand despite said communication difficulties, and moved to put her arms around Marinette. "Girl, you know this isn't your fault, right?"

And Marinette, amazingly, giggled. "I know. I appreciate you saying it, but I'm fine."

Nino looked at the Shame Shawl. "Okay. But what about-"

" _So,_ " Marinette immediately cut in, "have either of you seen Adrien this morning? I need to give him a patch, of course, and his dad probably deserves one, too. Did you hear that I was stabbed through the chest by Gabriel Agreste? Chloe told me. Do you know how many aspiring fashion designers would love to be stabbed by that man? I'm so lucky." She gave a happy sigh heavy with desperation.

Nino glanced at Alya. "Adrien hasn't gotten in, yet."

"Oh." Marinette's smile grew wider. It had more than a little Heart Baker in it, although thankfully there were less teeth and cutting edges involved. "Well, I have lots of patches to give out. I better get going." She moved out of Alya's embrace.

Alya let her arms drop to her sides. "Girl, are you _sure_ you're okay?"

"Yes! I mean, I nearly threw up this morning when I tried to have a croissant for breakfast, and then I spent twenty minutes curled up on the floor shuddering, but after that I made myself some eggs and everything was fine. I bet I'm not the only one to have that reaction this morning." Marinette was still smiling. "So, if Adrien isn't around-"

Nino suddenly Got It. "Wait, are you having a _problem_ with Adrien?"

"Nope! Stupid things definitely did not happen between us and there's no awkwardness whatsoever!"

"Really?" Ayla seemed to Get It, too. "So the reason you're blurting out blatant excuses like you expect us not to notice how specific they are-"

" _Ohlookit'sJuleka'sbrother! Hisheartwasapotbrownie! Ineedtosaysorryandgivehimapatchbye!_ "

Marinette moved so fast there was actually a little dust cloud and trail, like in the cartoons. Nino took a picture with his phone, and then leaned against his girlfriend. "I think we're going to have to leave this to my bro to fix."

Alya leaned back against him to form a human arch and sighed. "But we're totally going to shove him in her direction, right?"

"Oh, yeah. No question about that. Adrien couldn't find the awkward relationships in his life with both hands and a GPS."

"Good. So, other than all the trauma, how's life?"

"It's cool. I got an idea, that I can use my interests to try new things. I want to make a music video that's also a short horror film."

"Sounds wicked. Any bakers in it?"

"No, but there might be a soufflé."

Another limo pulled up at the school. Adrien got out and looked around.

Nino grinned and pointed in the direction of Marinette's retreat. When he looked over, Alya was doing the same.

Yeah, things would be fine.

Adrien tossed them a salute and ran.

* * *

Marinette was halfway through handing out her patches, and on her way to homeroom, when she was kidnapped by none other than Adrien Agreste.

She didn't even see him coming. One moment she was walking through the hall, keeping her gaze firmly on the box in her hands that couldn't bring up any embarrassing akumatizations, and then the next minute there were arms around her waist and Adrien was carrying her along at a run. It was so sudden that her Shame Shawl was ripped off and left to flutter like the shreds of her dignity.

She recognized this pace. Cat Noir had run with her in his hands at exactly the same speed.

Sigh.

He didn't put her down until he had brought her to a conveniently large supply-closet that forced them to stand within reach of each other but not so close that any touching was actually necessary. Marinette looked around. She'd never seen this closet before, but that made sense; judging from the dusty stacks of floppy discs, this must have been for computer goods. She usually favored supply closets full of arts stuff, despite the Paint Can Incident.

"This is my favorite closet to change in," Adrien said. "Max is the only other student who knows about it, and he's afraid that one of his artificial intelligences will fall in love with an old Macintosh LC II and elope."

Marinette supposed that was a funny joke for people who knew anything about computers before smartphones. But then, this was also Cat Noir; funny was not guaranteed. "And our kwami are getting debriefed at Fu's, so we're all alone. Let me guess, this is the point where you call me 'My Lady' while we're out of costume and that makes everything all better and then we make out in here until we fall onto one of the shelves and a bunch of HDMI cords falls on us and we giggle?"

"Um, well, it would probably be cords for parallel ports, but I wouldn't be opposed to that general plan." He offered a Cat Noir smile that was ruined by the Adrien Agreste uncertainty in his eyes.

Marinette let her box drop to the floor and planted her face in her hands. She couldn't deal with this. Not today. "Adrien, kitty, what do you want from me?"

"Um?" His voice sounded like it was coming from the far side of comprehension. "Well, if we can't cut right to that making-out thing, I wanted to make sure you're okay. You were doing a lot of screaming last night. Which was totally understandable, considering what Chloe was blurting out! And that comment she made about Heart Baker being a cannibal was completely unwarranted! Bad Chloe! But also you're totally cool with me being Cat Noir, right?"

Marinette peeked through her fingers at him. "I called because I love having you as a friend, and I was just thinking how great a couple you and Ladybug would make. The next time you see her, you should totally ask her to seriously date you with marriage as a long-term goal."

Adrien blinked. Then a smile blossomed on his face so bright and pure and HNNNNG that Marinette nearly jumped him right there. But then his eyebrows came together and frowned. "Wait, you're not calling. You're here. And that sounds familiar. That's- _oh._ "

Marinette lowered her arms and put her hands on her hips. "That's what you said to me last night."

"Yeah."

"After that weird conversation with Cat Noir."

"I know."

"Last night."

"Right."

"Five seconds before I got akumatized."

"I'm sure it was more-"

" _Not the point!_ "

"Granted."

"Adrien, you told me to go f-"

"Hey!" He winced at his own raised voice. "Hey. You're taking it out of context. I thought you and Ladybug were two different people, and that Ladybug was in love with you."

"Exactly!" Marinette was suddenly overcome with a horrible case of sarcasm. She put a big smile on her face, popped a foot behind her, and clasped her hands to her cheek like she had just witnessed Nino giving Alya his favorite earbuds. "Oh, it would just be so hot if My Lady, in her hot, hot, hot red tights made out with that Marinette girl who I otherwise wouldn't look twice at! Marinette's cute and all, but I'd really rather think of her with My (Hot) Lady licking her cheek all hot-like! Hot!"

Adrien's jaw dropped.

Marinette dropped her pose and put on a grin that was all teeth. She started taking slow steps towards Adrien, nearly tripping herself with all swaying she was making her hips do, and put her right hand right on his heart. "Or would you prefer to just leave Marinette out of it? Maybe Ladybug and Heart Baker can get _frisky_ for your amusement? It's not tights, but maybe you like the idea of a cute goth pushing Your Lady down and yanking her heart out in the form of a croissant? Mmmm, so violent."

Adrien said, "Uh."

Marinette sighed and finally gave him an honest smile. "Sorry. I don't mean to scare you. But I just want you to tell me what you want from me. Because I can _do_ it, Adrien. Ladybug isn't a separate personality or a kwami-fusion or anything. She's me with superpowers and tights. And I know you like how I look in those tights. So is that what you want? Or is Heart Baker? Do you want to know a secret?"

Adrien said, "Um?"

Marinette found it so funny she had to giggle. "Heart Baker isn't something Hawk Moth created. Oh, sure, he akumatized me and made me want to harvest the organs of my friends. I don't usually want that unless Chloe is _really_ being cranky. But Heart Baker was all me. That was me trying to give the world what it really wants from me. It wants me dark and sexy. The parts of it that don't want me as Ladybug, anyway. That was _my_ performance. Because you and I really know that akumas aren't monsters made by Hawk Moth. They're just the worst versions of ourselves. So do you want me at my best or my worst? Or both at the same time?"

She brushed her hands through her loose hair. It felt weird not being in pigtails, but it just hadn't seemed worth it this morning.

Adrien stared at her.

Well, she'd said it. She hadn't been sure she'd be able to, but apparently being stuffed in a closet with her love and partner was enough to both loosen her tongue and give her the coherence to make her point. She should have tried locking herself in a closet with Adrien months ago. Sure, he would have rejected her in favor of red tights and situations that required a bossy attitude, but at least she could have confessed to him.

And she really did mean it. It was all true. It had taken a few hours last night to get over the fact that the boy she'd been crushing on since the beginning of the school year was also the goofball who purred when she stretched- a process that involved about an hour of rolling across her bedroom floor alternating between screams, giggles, and curses aimed at the gods of dramatic irony. But once she had pulled herself hand over hand out of the chasm of insanity, she'd figured out the real problem. Sure, she'd be dry-heaving after looking at muffins for a few weeks, but that was nothing compared to knowing what the love of her life _really_ thought about her. She was not sure she wanted to give it to him, but she needed to hear him admit it.

Adrien stared at her, looking so helpless that she wanted to just go ahead and give him the right answer, except she didn't think there _was_ a right answer.

Then his eyes went wide for a moment, and he settled into that Cat Noir smirk that he reserved for those rare moments when she was feeling playful enough to ring his bell.

(The bell on the collar of his costume. Not the euphemistic kind of 'bell' of course. That, really, was the root of the problem.)

Nevertheless, that smirk made her toes curl. Good thing she was wearing sneakers.

"My Lady," he began. He stopped and winked at her. "You asked me to start by calling you that. But, My Lady, you still don't know the whole story."

Marinette blinked. She didn't? Had Chloe somehow left out a humiliating detail? Oh, gosh, Heart Baker had made out with Adrien, hadn't she? That little skank! Stealing Marinette's man like tha- wait...

Adrien broke into her confusion with, "I wasn't, despite the pleasant imagery, turned on by the idea of My Lady falling for Marinette." He clasped his hands behind his back and began stalking around her, the very picture of housecat predatory instincts. "As a matter of fact, I was terrified, because I realized how outclassed I was. For, you see, I already knew that Marinette was cute and smart and heroic and a bright shining light in the lives of all who know her! But I quickly learned that you might also be the single greatest human being alive, although I might be a biased source. I thought Ladybug would be _lucky_ to win your affection."

Marinette tried to process that. She even carried the three and stopped short of dividing by zero. But despite so many hours spent playing Tetris in her youth, she could find no place to slot this new information into her worldview. She was forced to just throw it on top of the stack and pray to the unholy gods of randomly generated sequences.

Adrien sighed and dipped down to wrap his arms around her shoulders, resting his head against hers. "And I, a stupid cat who knew how outclassed I was, could think of nothing to do but try to make the two greatest girls in my life happy by bringing them together. And okay, yes, it was inexcusable that I thought Marinette was crushing on Cat Noir-"

"What?!" Marinette couldn't help but laugh. "Well, to be fair, I thought Cat Noir was crushing on Marinette."

"Well, you weren't wrong. Just because Ladybug wowed me on our first adventure with her righteousness and bravery, and won my heart forever, doesn't mean I couldn't tell that Marinette is _really_ cute. I'm not _dead,_ you know."

Marinette snorted, twirled out of his grip, and tickled his chin. "Keep talking this way, kitty, and we'll keep it that way."

"I'll take that as encouragement and not a veiled threat." Adrien put his hands over his heart. "So yes, once things were clarified in the most obscuring way possible, I tried to use Adrien's friendship with Marinette to make His Lady happy. I can offer no defense besides the panic I'd been in for two days. Also, I don't normally play this card, but I was homeschooled, and I hear you public-school people associate that with poor socialization."

Marinette quirked an eyebrow. "Are you telling me you're _not_ poorly socialized, Mister 'I Think Acting Casual Means Busting Out Random Dance Moves I Saw On Youtube' Cat Noir?"

"I am _very_ poorly socialized." He actually bowed to her. "But don't blame that on my home-schooling. Also, you can blame me for getting you akumatized. And also Chloe, because seriously, she gave away my secret identity. Friends shouldn't do that. I'm not sticking up for her for a while."

It was no Cataclysm destroying a void in the shape of a heart by filling it with love, but it was a winning movie anyway. Marinette's heart was filling to bursting, and she let it out with the single most heated sigh she had ever experienced. "Okay. Fine."

"Okay? Fine?" She thought he was still being cute, but he straightened and stared at her. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"What? No! I'm forgiving you and admitting that what you did wasn't that bad!" The nerve of this boy! "How can I break up with you? We're not even dating!"

"We're not?"

"Well, now we are, obviously."

"So you're breaking up with me!"

"What?"

"You said we're dating, so it's possible for us to break up."

"No, the other way around! We're not dating, so I can't break up with you, and _then_ we're dating."

"We are?"

"Don't you want to?"

"More than anything! Do you?"

"Well, duh! Silly kitty."

"I _am_ a silly kitty, but you were _not_ being very clear. And I think we've established that clarity is going to be a major concern with our relationship."

"Am I being clear now?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

"Great."

They shook on it.

Marinette smiled.

Adrien smiled back.

Marinette blinked. "So, we _are_ dating? Wow, that was easier than I thought it would be."

"Says you. You weren't on the receiving end of that 'Ladybug's-tights-or-Heart-Baker's-aggressiveness' spiel."

"That wasn't a spiel!"

"No?"

"No!" Marinette crossed her arms and glared. "It was a manifesto."

"Manifestly so, it seems."

"What?"

"That was wordplay."

Marinette rolled her eyes, and then quickly swiveled them back around to check out the reaction to her very cute rolling-of-eyes. "And here I thought knowing each other's secret identities when we fight enemies that can turn us evil would be the hardest part of this relationship."

Adrien frowned. "That _is_ going to be a problem. But, you know, I honestly cannot imagine that fighting a brainwashed Ladybug will be worse than fighting Heart Baker. And we managed that. Maybe Chloe can help again."

"Ugh." Marinette winced. She'd forgotten about that with all the other drama. She wasn't sure she'd be able to wear the Ladybug tights again knowing that they'd been stretched all over Chloe. She wondered if Tikki would assent to going through the washing machine. "And here I thought telling your dad about us would be the hardest part of this."

Adrien went pale. "Oh, _swiss._ And we have to tell him, because I absolutely cannot just wait for a brainwashed Ladybug to show up at my home and claim to be dating me. I would be _so_ grounded."

Marinette laughed and stepped forward to wrap her arms around her boyfriend. (She hid to fight the urge to go, "EEEEEEEE," at the thought that _Adrien_ was her _boyfriend,_ and she didn't care what all these whiners said, there was no way it was easier than defeating Heart Baker.) She leaned fully against him, and could feel the beating of his heart in his chest. Could he feel hers in turn? "Hey, look at what we just had to deal with these last twenty-four hours. I can't imagine that even your father can be as much trouble to us as _Hawk Moth._ "

The sound of the school's air conditioning system started up, and air began pouring out of a vent in the ceiling. It wasn't the stuffy, year-old-creme-brulee(-sorry-mom-I-forgot-I-put-it-there)-smelling air that usually came out of the vents around here, though. It was the fresh air of a dramatic irony breeze, which Marinette knew well because she was a superhero with a secret identity and her best friend was an aspiring investigative journalist who thought Lois Lane was a poser.

The breeze blew over them both, and Marinette could feel her loose hair fanning out behind her head.

Adrien's cheeks colored. "I- uh, I like your new look."

And that's when Marinette knew for sure that they were going to be okay. So she went ahead and kissed him.

She couldn't have known that the breeze was wondering if these stupid kids knew how hard it worked for them. But this gig's benefits were good.

* * *

A story has to have an ending.

However, stories are not naturally occurring things. They are constructed, sometimes by poets, sometimes by goofballs on the internet who make up for a lack of wit with inappropriate humor (or, sometimes, the other way around), but always by people. The people decide where the story begins, and where the story ends, and then beat the stuff in the middle into something like the proper shape.

Not everyone agrees on where the ending should be.

For most, the confused matter that so stressed Marinette/Ladybug and Adrien/Cat Noir ended with their first true kiss. It's a logical finishing point, sweet, and child appropriate. People like kisses, in general. They're good fun, and they're symbolic of all kinds of pleasant things.

Plagg had never been one for symbolism. He considered it a scam that tried to convince him to be content with the _idea_ of Camembert, rather than the real thing.

For him, the story ended when Marinette and Adrien got married. It was a beautiful wedding, the perfect accent to their grown, mature, intertwined lives, and none of the other details really matter. At the moment when the groom kissed the bride (because a kiss is too good an ending to deny), he whispered to Tikki, "Okay, _now_ , it's a comedy."

(Tikki whispered back, "Huh?" And Plagg had to explain that was the term used to described stories that ended with weddings, but then she bopped him to quiet him, the jerk.)

But we don't have to listen to Plagg.

So instead, let's end with the wedding _night._ Again, the details aren't important. All we need to now is that it was half as beautiful as the wedding and twice as kinetic.

And it involved wedding cake, three tiers topped by Ladybug and Cat Noir figurines, that had been baked in a real oven using ingredients not taken from anyone's chest cavity.

Because kisses aren't the only things perpetrating symbolism around here.


	13. BONUS CHAPTER: The Haunting of Sabrina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that Sabrina was one of Heart Baker's victims that night...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to do something for halloween and had an idea so here you go.
> 
> it takes place between chapters 8 and 9. so this is chapter 8.5

Sabrina Raincomprix didn't think of herself as a victim. Except when she was being terrorized by a monster, of course, so every other weekday and an average of three times on the weekend. But outside of that easily manageable schedule, she wasn't a victim at all.

She was at her bedroom desk, doing Chloe's history homework for next week, when a drawer on her right creaked open with a dusty moan that sounded like it came from some budget-minded production company's sound-effects library.

Sabrina turned to look at it.

A pair of blue eyes shining from the depths of infinite shadow stared back.

Oh, shoot, was it an akuma day? But there had been one yesterday-

"Sabrina~~~~~~," sang an echoing voice from within the drawer. "Are you ready for a visit from your Angel of the Night?"

Sabrina perked up. "Chloe? Are we playing Phantom of the Opera again?"

"Uh-" The eyes blinked. "Wrong on both accounts. But you do you, sweetie."

Then the eyes rose as a head emerged from the drawer. Sabrina recognized Marinette- and also recognized the bleached skin, heart-shaped void in the center of the face, and ~~adorable~~ tacky themed hat as signs of an ongoing akumatization.

Marinette rose out of a drawer that shouldn't have been able to hold a pair of shoes, never mind a human body, revealing that she was dressed like the villain of some kind of weird 'battle baker'-themed manga by an artist who didn't get out enough. She must have folded herself up quite efficiently to have fit her whole self in that drawer. Certainly, the oddly angled joints that Marinette was now snapping back into place with bony pops were a sign of just how cramped she must have found it. The way she licked her lips with each pop, though, might have meant that she just enjoyed going in and out of tight spaces.

Once again in the more-or-less proper shape of a human being, Marinette primly sat her down on top of Sabrina's desk. She crossed her legs, leaned forward, and said, "So. How are _you_ doing?"

Sabrina's heart skipped a beat right before she screamed in terror.

Yes, she could admit it, Marinette was a very attractive girl. Also a scatter-brain who couldn't make the proper time for good things coming into her life, which was why Sabrina was content to enjoy the scenery and otherwise enable Chloe's righteous attacks on her. Now, _Chloe_ was a classy girl who knew how to properly grace people with the attention they deserved-

As Sabrina's scream trailed off, she noticed that Marinette had picked up her iPad (a gift from Chloe, of course, never mind that it was one of her old ones with a scratch on the screen) and was reading it. "Oh, doing Chloe's homework again?"

Sabrina tried to clear her raw throat. "I- I- I-"

"Here, let me help." Marinette picked up a stylus from the desk and began writing. After a few moments, she made a noise of satisfaction, and turned the pad around to show the results of her work.

She must not know how a tablet stylus was supposed to work, because instead of marks within the interface, the iPad somehow had streaky, liquidy red writing on top of the screen. And all it said was, "All work and no play makes Sabrina a dull girl," over and over and over.

At the top of the screen, over the field where the student's name was supposed to be, Chloe's name had been crossed out and 'Heart Baker' written beside it.

Sabrina tried to find her voice. "H- Hear- Heart-"

"Heart Baker," ~~Marinette~~ Heart Baker said. She slid off the desk and into Sabrina's lap, looking back at the tablet. "Is this next week's homework? You're really working ahead. I w~onder why." She swiped on the screen, smearing her own writing. It smelled of cinnamon, and had a disturbing rusty quality.

Sabrina tried to pull away, but Heart Baker was too heavy in her lap.

Heart Baker's eyes, floating in the darkness of the heart-shaped void in her face, went wide. "Ooooh, you left Instagram open. And it looks like you've been checking out Chloe's updates about her 'date' with Ladybug." She scowled. "I really should have gotten her to delete those posts before trying to devour her heart for unholy power. Oh well, live and learn. If I'm even alive. Hey, Hawk Moth, does akumatization mean I'm undead? ...okay, never mind, we'll talk about it later. Okay. Yeah. Luv ya! Bye! Chu~"

Sabrina focused on what she felt was the most relevant part of that. "Is Chloe okay? You didn't-"

Heart Baker slapped the tablet onto the desk and put a finger on Sabrina's lips to silence her. "Chloe's heart will be mine, little minion. In a way, it already is. Is that why you're working three chapters ahead? Trying to win back that nasty bully's affection from Ladybug? Or are you just trying to distract yourself from an increasing awareness of your own inadequacy?"

If Sabrina wasn't too terrified to form coherent words, she would be expressing how insulted she felt.

She didn't have an ulterior motive for doing Chloe's homework. Why would she? She just liked to show affection to her friend(s). It was how she made sure that her friend(s) understood the love and appreciation she had for them, and establish a bond through which love and appreciation would flow back to her.

But she knew where she stood with her friend(s), because she wasn't an idiot. In fact, she was one of the smartest people in the class.

Sure, Max and Adrien got a lot of attention for their special accomplishments, but theirs was a narrow sort of intelligence. Adrien ate physics for breakfast, but he was always talking about how much time his father made him spend on his academic pursuits. It didn't come naturally to him. Max built self-aware artificial intelligences that could somehow self-program a form of emotion (and Sabrina could only wonder how _that_ wasn't somehow major news and a Nobel Prize in the making), but he actually tried to apply probability to the study of themes in classic literature. The poor boy was just lost outside of the world of numbers and logic-operations.

Sabrina on the other hand? Not only did her grades compare well to both of the boys, but she also managed to fit in doing a _second_ set of homework while carving out enough free time for a healthy social life with her friend(s).

Yes, she used her gifts to show affection to her friend(s) by doing their homework. And taking their tests. And doing all the work in group projects. And completing extra credit assignments in the name of her friend(s) to make up for the wrong answers she sprinkled into their homework and tests to outsmart the 'cheat-scan' algorithms the school used.

It was a very savvy person who wanted Sabrina for a friend.

So, of course, her only friend was Chloe.

Just a friend. Of course. According Chloe's social media accounts, she had just started a relationship with Ladybug. Which was right and proper, because the two of them were the most powerful, prettiest girls in the city.

And Sabrina was a good friend, so she was working ahead on the syllabus in case this new dynamic upset the schedule at all. It was the smart thing to do.

At least, it had been. Right now, the smart thing was probably to get the akuma out of her lap. If only-

"Maybe you should forget about Chloe," Heart Baker said, straightening Sabrina's glasses. "Maybe you could give me your heart instead."

Sabrina swallowed. She was one of the smartest people in the class, and the akuma named _Heart_ Baker had already let slip such phrases as ' _devour her heart for unholy power._ ' It didn't take a genius to make the connection to a certain play on words.

Sabrina tried to wiggle out from beneath the akuma in her lap. "M- M- Maybe i- instead y- you could-"

From behind her came a whisper of, "All work and no play makes Sabrina a dull girl."

Sabrina whipped her head around.

There was nothing there except her bed, her nightstand, her lamp, and all her Jagged Stone posters.

"All work and no play makes Sabrina a dull girl."

It seemed to come from everywhere at once.

"All work and no play makes Sabrina a dull girl."

The lamp flickered.

Then a ghost shaped like Marinette oozed out from under the bed and waved at her.

Sabrina screamed and tried to jump, and somehow Heart Baker's weight was no longer in her lap. She wound up launching herself straight into her desk, crashing down on top of it, and then pair of hands was grabbing her shoulders and spinning her around and pinning her down on the desk.

Heart Baker loomed over her. "Give me your heart."

Sabrina shook her head. "I- I- Chl- Chloe-"

Heart Baker grinned, stretching the shadowy void across her face. "Chloe has abandoned you. Just like that time with the group project. You ran to Marinette's side, then. Come back. We'll have a lot more fun this time, I promise." One hand let go of her shoulder, tracing its way down to the center of Sabrina's chest-

 _Heart_ Baker.

Heart _Baker._

Yeah, this wasn't good.

Sabrina tried to squirm away. "M- Mari- Marinette w- was a- a jerk."

Heart Baker giggled. "Yyyyyyyes. You like jerks, don't you? So long as they're the right kind of jerk~"

It didn't take a genius to catch the inference.

Okay, yes, Sabrina admired Chloe. Chloe was savvy. Chloe was clever. Chloe had her own special expertise, the kind of things that let her dominate the social scene of Paris, which Sabrina knew she herself lacked. Chloe was generous, sometimes, kind of, every now and then. If you didn't expect too much.

Chloe was also _smokin' hot,_ not to put too fine a point on it.

Sabrina was very comfortable with herself and the attractions she felt. She also knew her place in the social hierarchy, and so had done a lot of reading on courtly love, especially the examples that didn't end with legendary kingdoms falling into ruinous civil war while dead monarchs were entombed on fairy islands. She could love from afar, expressing her feelings through such romantic gifts as the correct answers to the trigonometry assignment, no small treasure indeed. Making moves on your upper-class friend(s) was the height of crassness. Especially now that Chloe was _with_ Ladybug.

And so Sabrina 'helped' Chloe by doing her homework for her and keeping track of the day of the week for her and translating Max-speak when it was important and analyzing Adrien's schedule (so that Chloe could ~~ambush~~ invite him for shopping trips) and breaking into Marinette's house to commit larceny when ordered.

Chloe spent a lot of time thinking about Marinette. They had a deep rivalry, so it wasn't a surprise. Sabrina wasn't sure how that rivalry had started, but Chloe thought it was very important, or else she wouldn't spend so much time and energy on it. It was a true rivalry, and couldn't have anything to do with the fact that Marinette was nice and pretty and charming and gave away free cookies. Surely, Chloe could do much better than Marinette. (And had, now! Ladybug was so lucky.) And rivalry as a cover for a secret attraction was the worst kind of cliché; Chloe would never sink to such depths. Therefore, Chloe couldn't be attracted to Marinette, which left her available for someone more appropriate.

Not Sabrina, of course. She knew she wasn't worthy of that.

But she also knew that she deserved more than having her heart devoured by edgelord!Marinette.

So she grabbed her iPad off the desk and slammed it into Heart Baker's face.

Her brief moment of exultation turned to terror as Heart Baker's head popped off and went flying across the room.

Sabrina screamed. Again.

Heart Baker's hands let go of her and felt blindly in the space where the head should be.

Sabrina screamed. Again.

The headless body stumbled around the bedroom, tripping over the deskchair.

Sabrina screamed. Again. Then she slipped her phone (gifted from Chloe, after they released a new phone with better security) out of her pocket and called her father. "Hello, Daddy? Marinette's akumatized and she's in my room and can you please come home and arrest-"

There was a wet pop.

Sabrina turned to look, over her brain's better judgement.

Heart Baker's head was once again on her body, and she was frowning. She reached over and snatched the phone out of Sabrina's hands. "Well, that's disappointing. Probably smart, but disappointing. I was hoping you were the running type." She held the phone up to her mouth and took a bite out of it.

Somehow, chocolatey crumbs fell from broken device. They landed on the floor.

As Heart Baker ate, echoing whispers rose up to fill the room with chants of, "All work and no play makes Sabrina a dull girl."

Then red, rusty streaks began appearing on all the walls, spelling the words out. The handwriting was, of course, atrocious.

All work and no play.

A few more bites finished the phone. Heart Baker licked her lips, and those blue eyes - floating in the void - focused on Sabrina. "Time for dessert."

Sabrina said, "I hope you choke on it."

Heart Baker laughed.

Then she jammed her hands into Sabrina's chest.

It was like a vacuum had suddenly sprang to life where those hands were digging around. All air was leached straight out of Sabrina's lungs, leaving her unable to even get a good dying scream going. It wouldn't have helped, but at least it would have been the expected, appropriate thing to do.

Sabrina collapsed when Heart Baker's hands emerged once again.

Everything was going dark, but she heard Marinette's voice clearly say, "A tub of icing? Ugh, I don't have anything to put it on! Oh, well. I guess I'll just go to the kitchen and get a spoon. Oo~ooh, but it's _strawberry_ flavored! Very _sweet._ "

And then Sabrina smelled gingerbread, for some reason.


End file.
